Jokes

[Operational needs]

A guy and his date are parked out in the country away from town, when they start kissing and fondling each other. Just then, the girl stops and sits up. “What’s the matter?” asks the guy. She replies, “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a prostitute, and I charge $100 for sex.” The man thinks about it for a few seconds, but then reluctantly gets out a $100 bill, pays her, and they have sex. After a cigarette, he just sits in the driver’s seat looking out the window. “Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asks the girl. “Well, I should have mentioned this before,” replies the man, “but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $50."

 

[Operational needs]

A guy rides his new motorbike to his girlfriend’s house for dinner with her parents. His girlfriend informed him that after dinner, the person that speaks first has to do the dishes...Just as the last mouthful is taken, a deafening silence ensued. Not wanting to do the dishes, no one says anything. After an hour, the boyfriend gets bored and starts to fondle his girlfriend’s breasts. Shocked that the parents don't say anything, he goes further… Rips off her clothes and makes passionate love to her right there on the table. Silence….He then grabs the mother and makes even more passionate love to her…More silence… Just then he hears thunder outside and remembered that the bike salesman told him to protect the exhaust from water marks, he needs to rub some Vaseline on the exhaust. As he gets up and takes the Vaseline out of his pocket, the father jumps up shouting…"I’ll do the friend*ckin' dishes!!!

 

[moreluck]

All warranties expire upon payment of invoice.

All work and no play, will make you a manager.

Almost everything in life is easier to get into than to get out of.

Always hire a rich attorney.

Always leave room to add an explanation if it doesn't work out.

Always listen to experts. They'll tell what can't be done and why. Then do it.

Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn!

Always try to stop talking before people stop listening.

Am I good at delegating? You Bet! I always find someone to blame!

 

[moreluck]

[h=1]The Jewish and Chinese Pilots[/h]
Jewish and Chinese Pilots....


A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish captain.
His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together, and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.
Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese.'

'No rike Chinese?' asks the copilot, '....why not?'

'You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why !'

'No, no,' the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese.'
'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese... doesn't matter, you're all alike!'

There's a few minutes of silence.

'I no rike Jews either!' the copilot suddenly announces.

'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain.

'Jews sink Titanic.'
'What? That's insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain, 'It was an iceberg!'
'Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg ...no mattah... all same.'

 

[Operational needs]

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it’s his daughter’s birthday.
He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, “How much for one of those Barbie’s in the display window?”
The salesperson answers, “Which one do you mean, Sir?
We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95″.
The amazed father asks: “It’s what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?”
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: “Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken’s Car, Ken’s House, Ken’s Boat, Ken’s Furniture, Ken’s Computer, one of Ken’s Friends, and a key chain made with Ken’s balls.

 

[Operational needs]

Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend’s house. The man called his wife’s 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The woman called her husband’s 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.

 

[IVE GOTTA PACKAGE 4U]

Man walks into the drugstore...buys a box of condoms......Cashier say you need a bag for that.......................he says no........she aint that ugly!

 

[Operational needs]

Three guys die in a car crash and go to heaven. Before they can enter heaven however they have to answer one question from god. The question is how many times have you cheated on your girlfriend/wife? The first guy answers: quite a lot of times, around 30 times I think. God says “you may enter and you get this brand new Volvo to drive around in heaven.” The second guy answers: 7-8 times. To that g...od replies ” Alright, you may enter and you get this brand new Mercedes to drive around in heaven” The last guy answers “none, I have never cheated on my wife” and god gives him a brand new Ferrari to drive around in heaven.
So the three guys spend their time in heaven driving their brand new cars when suddenly the first two guys, with the Volvo and Mercedes, see the third guy slowly stop and get out of his Ferrari to cry. The first two guys approach the third guys and ask: What’s the matter? Why are you crying? Don’t you like your new car? To that the third guy answers: No it’s not that, I just saw my wife on a bicycle.

 

[moreluck]

Last Wishes......

Morris is on his deathbed, and he knows the end is near. He
is with his nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons. "So", he says to
them;

"Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses."
​

"Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza."
​

"Hymie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center."
​

"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential
buildings downtown." ​

The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips
away, she says , "your husband must have been such a hard working man to have
accumulated all this property".



Sarah replies, "Property? ... the jerk has a paper
route!"

​

 

[moreluck]

1. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch three consecutive times and
still not know what time it is.





2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when
you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't
want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm
font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted
sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest
really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get
out of my own neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more
interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember
the last time I wasn't at least kind-of tired.

10. Bad decisions make
good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a
moment when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for
the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes
after Blu-ray? I don't want to have to restart my
collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of
Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical
report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some
people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they
call.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with
Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses
begin with Miller Light than Kay.

17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid
Ghetto" routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine
line between boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to
say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or
understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when
an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front.
Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets
dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22.
Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a
pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd
bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7
seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

 

[moreluck]

AMA Insight,

The American Medical Association has weighed in
on Obama's new health care package.

The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the

Dermatologists advised not to make any rash
moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but
the

Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of
nerve.

Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while
the

Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

Pathologists yelled,
"Over my dead body!" while the

Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!"

The
Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the

Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons
decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the

Internists claimed it would be a bitter pill to
swallow.

The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new
face on the matter".

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but
the

Urologists were pissed off at the whole
idea.

Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those
lofty

Cardiologists just didn't have the heart for it

In
the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to
the *******s in Washington.

 

[moreluck]

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Look for the "fresh prints".

Why did Lamar pay Kobe $5 million ?
Because 'Lamar Odom'.

 

[upsgrunt]

A baby boy was born without eyelids and the doctor decided that after the circumcision he would use the discarded skin to create eyelids for the boy. The surgery was a success, but the doctor is fearful that the boy will always be a little cock-eyed.

 

[IVE GOTTA PACKAGE 4U]

A baby boy was born without eyelids and the doctor decided that after the circumcision he would use the discarded skin to create eyelids for the boy. The surgery was a success, but the doctor is fearful that the boy will always be a little cock-eyed.

Quit rubbing your eyes.............you might go blind!.lol

 

[Operational needs]

"That wife of mine is a liar", said the angry husband to his friend sitting next to him at the bar.

"How do you know?" the friend asked.

"She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she'd spent the night with her sister, Shirley."...

"So?" the friend replied.

"So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley!"

 

[Operational needs]

One day a guy is sitting at the bar taking shots. After every shot he looked in his shirt pocket and would order another one. After several shots the bartender says how come every time you take a shot you look in your shirt pocket. He says well I got a picture of my wife in there and when she looks good enough ill go home.

 

[Operational needs]

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best sex in town!"

Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back,

points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-e-et!"

Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!"

Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad, you're drunk!"

 

[moreluck]

Forgot My GlassesFunny

Yesterday my daughter again asked why I didn't do something useful with my time. Talking about my "doing something useful" seemed to be her favorite topic of conversation. She was "only thinking of me" and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys. I did this and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business. I told her that I had joined a parachute club. She said, "Are you nuts? You're almost 75 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?" I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card. She said to me, "Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club." "I'm in trouble again, and I don't know what to do...I signed up for five jumps a week." I told her. She fainted. Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier but sometimes it can be fun.

 

[moreluck]

Top Ten Indicators Your Employer Has Changed
To The Obamacare Health Care
Plan.

(10) Your annual breast
exam is done at Hooters.

(9) Directions to your doctor's office include
"Take a left when you enter the trailer park."

(8) The tongue
depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.

(7) The only proctologist in
the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.

(6) The only item listed under
Preventative Care Coverage is "an apple a day."

(5) Your primary care
physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

(4)
"The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges," is not a
typographical error.

(3) The only expense covered 100%
is..."Embalming."

(2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little
M's on them.

(1) You ask for Viagra and they give you a Popsicle stick
and duct tape.

 

[moreluck]

A Catholic priest and a Rabbi are talking about job prospects:

"Well," says the priest, "there's a good chance that I'll be the next Bishop - maybe within the next couple of years."

"Bishop!" marvels the Rabbi, "very nice. And after that?"

"Oh, I don't know, I suppose it's possible I could become Archbishop… given luck and God's blessing."

"Very nice, very nice; and after Archbishop?"

"Ha! Well, you know, it's Cardinal after that, but it's really very unlikely. In theory, however, I could become a Cardinal."

"Lovely!" responds the Rabbi, "the scarlet would suit your complexion. So what's after Cardinal?"

The priest smiles. "After Cardinal? Well, it's Pope - but I'm hardly likely to become… hmmm, oh I suppose it's just possible. If a Pole why not an Englishman again? Yes, I could just become Pope."

"Splendid! And after Pope?"

The priest looks at him in surprise."After Pope? There's nothing after Pope! I mean, there's just God above the Pope, and I can't become God."

The Rabbi smiles and says, "Why not? One of our boys made it."