One liners, short jokes, funny sayings, puns, etal

[moreluck]

IDIOTS & RETAIL....

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card.
She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt.
So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

 

[moreluck]

How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One..........men will screw anything.

 

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Why do men like to watch porno movies backward?

They like the part where the hooker gives the money back

 

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“The chefs argued about the flatbread until they realized it was a naan issue.”

 

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A wife chewed out her husband at the company picnic a while back. "Doesn't it embarrass you that people have seen you go up to the buffet table five times?"
"Not a bit," the husband replied. "I just tell them I'm filling up the plate for you....!"

 

[moreluck]

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

 

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A guy says to the bartender, "A glass of your finest Less, please."
"Less? Never heard of it."
"C'mon, sure you have."
"No, really, we don't stock it. What is it? Some kind of foreign beer?"
"I'm not sure. It was my doctor who mentioned it. He said I should drink Less."

 

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“Some aquatic mammals at the zoo escaped. It was otter chaos.”

 

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Talk about a bad day

 

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When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking. And then I saw her face.

 

[IVE GOTTA PACKAGE 4U]

When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking. And then I saw her face.

Now I'm a believer?

 

[moreluck]

Now I'm a believer?

good one!

 

[IVE GOTTA PACKAGE 4U]

good one!

Once every 1000th post or so. I come up with one.

 

[moreluck]

“After injuring my upper arm and wearing an ice pack, my wife accused me of giving her the cold shoulder.”

 

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One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said,
"I think he said: 'Holy Mackerel! A talking chicken!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

 

[moreluck]

They walk among us!-------------------------------------I stopped at Mc Donald’s and ordered some fries.The girl behind the counter said “would you like some fries with that?”

 

[moreluck]

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria,
when we overheard an admin girl talking about the
sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach.
She drove down in a convertible, but said
she 'didn't think she'd get sunburned
because the car was moving'.
They Walk Among Us!