One liners, short jokes, funny sayings, puns, etal
- Thread starter moreluck
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moreluck
golden ticket member
Words to live by...
Notice! Take lettuce from the top of the stack,or heads will roll!
Well, if Jerry Springer isn't educational TV,why does it make me feel so much smarter?
A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothingrubs it in like a computer.
I tried to get in touch with my inner child,but he isn't allowed to talk to strangers.
I have to take my paycheck to the bank.It's too little to go by itself.
I must be following my diet too closely.I keep gaining on it.
Welcome to Megacomputer's 24-hour helpline.If you have been waiting LESS than 24 hours,please remain on the line.
Whenever I'm in a mood to watch the world go by,I just keep to the posted speed limit.
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes,why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Notice! Take lettuce from the top of the stack,or heads will roll!
Well, if Jerry Springer isn't educational TV,why does it make me feel so much smarter?
A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothingrubs it in like a computer.
I tried to get in touch with my inner child,but he isn't allowed to talk to strangers.
I have to take my paycheck to the bank.It's too little to go by itself.
I must be following my diet too closely.I keep gaining on it.
Welcome to Megacomputer's 24-hour helpline.If you have been waiting LESS than 24 hours,please remain on the line.
Whenever I'm in a mood to watch the world go by,I just keep to the posted speed limit.
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes,why do we still have monkeys and apes?
moreluck
golden ticket member
A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.
~ Tex Guinan~
I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.
~Charles de Gaulle~
Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.
~Doug Larson~
There ought to be one day -- just one -- when there is open season on senators.
~Will Rogers~
~ Tex Guinan~
I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.
~Charles de Gaulle~
Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.
~Doug Larson~
There ought to be one day -- just one -- when there is open season on senators.
~Will Rogers~
moreluck
golden ticket member
A couple of puns...
Not too long ago a scientist tried to clone himself.However, his clone was very obnoxious and lewd, while the scientist was well received and respected. Finally fed up with his experiment gone wrong, he threw his clone off the roof of the laboratory; killingthe clone.He was arrested by the local police for... making anobscene clone fall.
--------------------
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when theylit a fire in the craft it sank-proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
Not too long ago a scientist tried to clone himself.However, his clone was very obnoxious and lewd, while the scientist was well received and respected. Finally fed up with his experiment gone wrong, he threw his clone off the roof of the laboratory; killingthe clone.He was arrested by the local police for... making anobscene clone fall.
--------------------
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when theylit a fire in the craft it sank-proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
moreluck
golden ticket member
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it.
~Clarence Darrow~
!
Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you.
~Author unknown~
Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.
~John Quinton~
Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.
~Oscar Ameringer~
I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them.
~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952~
~Clarence Darrow~
!
Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you.
~Author unknown~
Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.
~John Quinton~
Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.
~Oscar Ameringer~
I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them.
~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952~
moreluck
golden ticket member
A group of American tourists was being guided through an ancient castle in Europe.
"This place," the guide told them, "is 600 years old. Not a stone in it has been touched, nothing altered, nothing replaced in all those years."
"Wow," said one woman dryly, "they must have the same landlord I have."
"This place," the guide told them, "is 600 years old. Not a stone in it has been touched, nothing altered, nothing replaced in all those years."
"Wow," said one woman dryly, "they must have the same landlord I have."
moreluck
golden ticket member
Business One-liners ............
Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards.
Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code.
Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.
Logic can never decide what is possible or impossible.
Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny.
Love letters, business contracts, and money due you always arrive three weeks late, whereas junk mail arrives the day it was sent.
Make dust or eat dust.
Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.
Many are called, but few are at their desks.
Many quite distinguished people have bodies similar to yours.
Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards.
Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code.
Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.
Logic can never decide what is possible or impossible.
Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny.
Love letters, business contracts, and money due you always arrive three weeks late, whereas junk mail arrives the day it was sent.
Make dust or eat dust.
Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.
Many are called, but few are at their desks.
Many quite distinguished people have bodies similar to yours.
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