One liners, short jokes, funny sayings, puns, etal

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What did the Jewish pedophile say to the children?












Easy on the candy....

 

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Q: What do you call a coven of unattached Wiccans?
A: Craft singles!

 

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While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient,I asked, "How long have you been bed-ridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered....... Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive."
--Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

 

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Q: Why do farmers put bells on cows?
A: Their horns don't work.

 

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“Abrupt appearance of sinkholes is ground breaking news for media men!”

 

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The first-time father, beside himself with excitement over the birth of his first son, was determined to follow all the rules to a T.
"So tell me, Nurse," he asked as his new family headed out the hospital door, "what time should we wake the little guy in the morning?"

 

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A man walks into a bar and sees a good-looking woman sitting on a stool. He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how’s it going?"
She turns to him, looks deep into his eyes and says, "I’ll screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn’t matter."
He says, "No kidding! I'm a lawyer too. What law firm are you with?"

 

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Flying in a plane can be a bumpy ride, even while taxiing on the ground. But it's not the pilot's fault. It's not the airline's fault. It's the asphalt.

 

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One day as Monica Lewinsky was walking along the beach awaiting her Senatetrial testimony, she came upon an ornate bottle that had washed up onshore. Curious, she picked it up, brushed off the sand, and lo and beholda genie popped out.
"Greetings, Miss Lewinsky," the genie said. "Since you have released me,I will grant you one wish."
"Well," Monica replied, "I'm going to be on television alot for a while,and I want to look my best. I wish you would get rid of these lovehandles."
"Your wish is my command," said the genie. A wave of his hands, a puff ofsmoke...
And her ears promptly fell off.

 

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Q: Why do ducks have webbed feet?
A: To stamp out forest fires.
Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?
A: To stamp out burning ducks.

 

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As a mother was bribing her little boy with a quarter so he would behave, she said, "Why do I always have to pay you to be good?
Why can't you be good for nothing like your dad?"

 

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They were looking down into the depths of the Grand Canyon. "Do you know," asked the guide, "that it took millions and millions of years for this great abyss to be carved out?"
"Well, I'll be darned," exclaimed the traveler. "I never knew this was a government job."

 

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Grandpa's Sense Of Humor

None of Tony's grandsons share his corny sense of humor.

When the family is eating lasagna, he says, “Lean over your plate, boys. You’ll get 
less-on-ya.”

He'll tell the ten-year-old, “Don’t yell through the screen; you’ll strain your voice.”

And when he took another grandson to the zoo, he asked, “Do you know why that snake’s not pressed against the glass? He doesn’t want to be a windshield viper.”

He always tells me they’ll probably laugh later.

 

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I just got a fruit juicer because they say juicing adds years to your life. Whta they don't tell you is the years you add juicing, you lose cleaning your juicer.

 

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Q: What did one casket say to the sick casket?
A: "Is that you coughin'?"