One liners, short jokes, funny sayings, puns, etal

[moreluck]

AshleyMadison.com, a dating site for married people, had its membership list leaked, including 15,000 government email addresses. That's good news. At least you know those guys showed up for work.

When asked if she "wiped" her server clean, Hillary Clinton responded: "What? With a cloth or something?". Yes. Like maybe that white flag you raised in Benghazi.

~Fred Thompson~

 

[moreluck]

I hate Russian dolls....they're so full of themselves.

I asked my North Korea friend how it was there.....he said he couldn't complain.

My girlfriend started smoking, so I slowed down and applied lubricant.

I haven't talked to my wife in 3 weeks...I didn't want to interrupt her.

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo...I had to put my foot down.

Say what you want about deaf people.

I've spent the past 4 years looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer....but nobody will do it.

 

[moreluck]

One Monday evening a tourist visits a brothel in Paris and, on leaving, is very surprised to be handed 5,000 Euros. The next evening he goes back and the same thing happens. He goes back on the third night, but doesn't get a single cent. Upset, he complains to the concierge.
The concierge says, "Why should we pay you? We don't film on Wednesdays."

 

[moreluck]

After 50 years of wondering why he didn't look like his younger sister or brother, the man finally got up the nerve to ask his mother if he was adopted.
"Yes, you were son," his mother said as she started to cry softly. "but it didn't work out and they brought you back."

 

[moreluck]

 

[moreluck]

George goes to the Birth Registration Office to register his newborn son. The man behind the counter asks the name he wants to give to the boy, and the father replies: "Euro".
The man says that such a name is not acceptable, because it's a currency.
Says George: "What? There weren't any objections when I called my first two sons Mark and Frank."

 

[moreluck]

“It's the barbecue I've always wanted - the grill of my dreams!”

 

[moreluck]

When I was married, my wife used to call me handsome. As a matter of fact, we are now divorced but she STILL calls me handsome.

Every time I have some money, she says, HANDSOME OVER.

 

[moreluck]

 

[moreluck]

One evening, two Alabama State Trooper patrol cars were in hot pursuit of a Chevy Camaro going east on I-20 toward Georgia. When the suspect crossed the Georgia line, the first Trooper pulled over quickly.
The rookie Trooper pulled over right behind him and asked, "Hey Sarge, why did you stop?"
The Sarge replied, "You stupid rookie! That guy's in Georgia now. They're an hour ahead of us, so we'll never catch him."

 

[moreluck]

 

[moreluck]

Mother mouse and a baby mouse were walking along, when all of a sudden, a cat attacked them. The mother mouse goes, "BARK!" and the cat runs away.
"See?" says the mother mouse to her baby. "Now do you see why it's important to learn a foreign language".

 

[moreluck]

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.

"My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.

"Tommy," replied the second.

"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy.

Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."

"Honest?" asked Billy.

"No, just the regular kind," replied Tommy.

 

[moreluck]

 

[moreluck]

Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister.
"Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had a dreadful fight!"

"Calm down, my child," said the minister, "it's not half as bad as you think. Every marriage has to have its first fight!"
"I know, I know!" said Joanna. "But what am I going to do with the body?"

 

[moreluck]

The White House restated President Obama's intention to close Guantanamo terrorist prison by the end of his term. It has air conditioning, two soccer fields, a library, a gym and six guard towers. There is no reason to close it down when it could be converted instantly into a Los Angeles high school.
~Argus Hamilton~

 

[moreluck]

 

[moreluck]

A Baptist, a Catholic, and a Mormon are in the maternity ward. The Baptist says, “One more son and I have a basketball team.” The Catholic says, “That’s nothing, one more kid and I have a baseball team.” The Mormon guy says, “That’s nothing, one more wife and I have a golf course.”

 

[moreluck]

Did you know that Viagara now comes in a nasal spray ??
It's for "Richard"- heads.

 

[moreluck]

I want to take one of those 'English as a second language' courses - just go in and blow everybody away on the first day. ~Craig Anton~