One liners, short jokes, funny sayings, puns, etal

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I've never been good at math, but I accepted it from an early age. My teacher would hand me a math test, and I would write, "I'm going to marry someone who can do this."
-Rita Rudner-

 

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A co-worker told John that John's wife was being unfaithful everyday at 1:30 in the afternoon with John's best friend.
Worried and hurt, John ran home at 1:30 to see if this was true.
He came back to the office contented and relieved.
His co-worker asked him how it went.
"Look," said John. "Don't start such terrible rumors! That guy isn't my best friend...I don't even know him."

 

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Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."

 

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“I was nervous before hernia surgery. My stomach was in knots.”

 

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An old-time pastor was riding furiously down the road, hurrying to get to church on time. Suddenly, his horse stumbled and threw him to the ground.
Lying in the dirt, his body wracked with pain, the pastor called out, “All you angels in heaven, help me get up on my horse!”
With extraordinary strength, he leaped onto the horse’s back—and fell off the other side.
From the ground again, he called out, “All right, just half of you angels this time!”

 

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Within two weeks of moving into a new house, the homeowner had to call an electrician, a roofer and a carpenter. One afternoon he returned early from work and saw a plumber's truck in the driveway.
"Lord," he pleaded, looking skyward, "please let her be having an affair."

 

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Politicians are like sperm ... One in a million turns out to be Human!

 

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“My clock radio goes off with alarming frequency.”

 

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A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:
"Born OK the first time"

 

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I used to drink all brands of beer. Now, I am older Budweiser!

 

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“When the perfume factory magnate died it was discovered that he didn't leave his heirs a scent.”

 

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An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man. When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.
"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.
"I had to slap his face three times!"
"You mean he got fresh?"
"No," she answered, "I thought he was dead."

 

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1. What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye deer.
2. What’s the last thing that goes thru a bug’s mind as he hits the windshield? His butt.
3. Knock knock- who’s there? Dwayne. Dwayne who? Dwayne the tub I’m dwounding!
4. The past, present and future walk into a bar. It was tense.
5. What goes “ha ha thump”? A man laughing his head off.
6. What did the grape say when he was pinched? Nothing, he gave a little wine.
7. What’s brown and sticky? A stick!
8. Why are pirates so mean? I don’t know, they just arrrrrrrrr!
9. Why was Tigger looking in the toilet? He was looking for Pooh!
10. What do you get when you throw a piano down a mine shaft? A flat miner.
11. Have you heard about the cannibal that passed his brother in the forest?
12. Who’s there?” … “Control freak. Okay now you say, ‘Control freak who?”
13. What do you call cheese that’s not yours? It’s nacho cheese.
14. What do you get when you put a candle in a suit of armor? A knight light.