One liners, short jokes, funny sayings, puns, etal

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A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says.
The bartender promptly serves up a beer.
"How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"

 

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At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends.
"The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night!"
An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Honey, if that's all you want, get a TV!"

 

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Out of office message.....

"I'm not in the office right now, but if it's important, tweet me using #youarinterruptingmyvacation."

 

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When my boyfriend plays fantasy football, I play fantasy new boyfriend.

 

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Q: Did you hear abut the hungry clock?
A: It went back four seconds.

 

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Good girls are bad girls that never got caught.

God must love stupid people....He made SO many of them.

 

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During their silver anniversary, a wife reminded her husband: "Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour?"
The husband replied: "Yes, honey, that was the happiest hour of my life."

 

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“My daughter asked me if I was having fun doing the laundry. I replied, 'Loads.'”

 

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“If you can't choose between an angry psychic and a sad psychic, you'll have to find a happy medium.”

 

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Groucho on Groucho.........

* Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.

* I find television very educational. Every time someone switches it on, I go into another room and read a good book.

* I don't care to belong to any club that would have me as a member.

* Die, my dear? Why that's the last thing I'll do.

 

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Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. "Your mother ate us out of house and home."