One liners, short jokes, funny sayings, puns, etal

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Splenda sales are up because Chuck Norris has no Equal.

 

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Call me a pervert, but I once enjoyed watching a chickpea. Does that make me hummus sexual? (groan)

 

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The racehorse owner was annoyed with the running of his horse at the race.
He turned on the jockey.
"Flaherty, could you not have raced faster?"
"Sure I could have, but you know we're supposed to stay on the horse."

 

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.. A lawyer was cross-examining the doctor about whether or not he had checked the pulse of the deceased before he signed the death certificate. "No," the doctor said. "I did not check his pulse." "And did you listen for a heartbeat?" asked the lawyer. "No I did not," the doctor said. "So," said the lawyer, "when you signed the death certificate, you had not taken steps to make sure he was dead." The doctor said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was in a jar on my desk but, for all I know, he could be out practicing law somewhere."

 

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There are two brothers, aged four and six.
The six year old says "You know, it's about time we started to swear."
The four year old says "OK."
The six year old says "From now on I'll say 'hell' and you say 'ass.'"
The four year old says "OK."
So they go downstairs and their mother says "What would you boys like for breakfast?"
The six year old says "Oh what the hell, I'll have corn flakes."
WHACK!
The kid goes flying across the room.
The mother turns to the four year old and asks "And what would YOU like for breakfast?"
The four year old says "I don't know, but you can bet your ass it's not corn flakes."

 

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Business One-liners ....

When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers.

When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.

When your opponent is down, kick him.

Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first.

Where you stand depends on where you sit.

While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.

Why did the Roman Empire collapse? What is the Latin for office automation?

Why is it that there are so many more horses' asses than there are horses? - G. Gordon Liddy

Why worry about tomorrow? We may not make it through today.

Winning isn't everything, but losing isn't anything.

You're not drunk if you can lay on the floor without holding on.

 

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A Jewish Mother After Hanukkah....

A man received two sweaters for Hanukkah from his mother. The next time he visited her, he made sure to wear one of the two sweaters.
As he entered her home, instead of the expected smile, she said, "What's the matter? You didn't like the other one?"

 

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“The two congressmen disagreed about what sort of pan should be used to cook pancakes. Another example of griddlelock.”

 

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Three old ladies are sitting on a park bench when a flasher comes by and opens his trench coat right in front of them.
The first old lady has a stroke, the second old lady has a stroke, but the third old lady can't reach that far.

 

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A wife reports, My Husband, not happy with my mood swings so hebought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor mymoods. When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad moodit leaves a big frickin' red mark on his forehead.

 

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A college girl was supposed to write a short story in as few words as possible for her English class and the instructions were that it had to include Religion, Sexuality and Mystery.

She was the only one who received an A+ and this is what she wrote:

"Good God, I'm pregnant, I wonder who did it."

 

[oldngray]

 

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We need a 12-step group for compulsive talkers. They could call it 'On Anon Anon'.
-Paula Poundstone-

 

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Whoever named it 'necking' is a poor judge of anatomy. ~Groucho Marx~