One liners, short jokes, funny sayings, puns, etal

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He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!

 

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Race me to that glass of vegetable juice, and I will beet you to a pulp.

 

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What happened?

A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, magnificent house, big car, the love of beautiful woman, then, POW! It was all gone!"
"What happened?," asked the friend.
"My wife found out..."

 

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First time

A pretty young blonde visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself alone in a small waiting room. She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination. Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and a young doctor strode in.
Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his nude patient up and down carefully and with considerable appreciation.
"Miss Smith," he said finally, "it seems quite obvious to me that until today you have never undergone an eye examination."

 

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“Are people who spend time thinking about one-liners punsive?”

 

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Maurice and Sadie are out eating in the 'Bubbeh-Myseh' restaurant. Whilst Maurice is eating his grilled steak and chips, the waiter comes over to him and asks, "Is everything OK, sir?"
"Well," replies Maurice, "I asked for my steak to be rare, and it was well done."
"Thank you sir," says the waiter, "we always aim to please."

 

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My dog is dyslexic, He thinks he's God.

 

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After a week of agonizing physical training, police academy cadets still hadn’t been admitted to the firing range. “I don’t get it,” huffed one trainee to another as they pounded out yet another five-mile jog. “What do you mean?” “We still don’t know how to protect people and property, but we’re getting real good at running away.”

 

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Q: What's the difference between a voyeur and a thief?
A: A thief snatches your watch.

 

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There's only one type of lettuce, in Romainia.

 

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A seal walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.

The bartender asks the seal, "What's your pleasure?"

The seal replies, "Anything but Canadian Club."

 

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Friends of an old guy hired a lady of the evening for his 90th birthday. She arrives at his door, throws open her coat, and shouts, I'm here to give you super sex!"
The old man thinks a second and says, "I'll take the soup."

(Jane Lynch's favorite joke)

 

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A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Englishmen are waiting.
"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he says.
The two Englishmen just stare at him.
"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?"
The two continue to stare.
"Parlare Italiano?"
No response.
"Hablan ustedes Espanol?"
Still nothing.
The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.
The first Englishman turns to the second and says, "Maybe we should learn a foreign language...."
"Why?" says the other, "That bloke knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."

 

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Did you hear about the redneck who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow?

She can't touch it till she's fourteen.

 

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Obama and Putin were walking out in the countryside, enjoying scenery and the mild fall weather. While on a quiet trail, they came across a sheep. The sheep tried to get away, but it’s head became caught in the wire fencing. The poor critter was stuck.


Putin smiled, walked behind the sheep, dropped his drawers, and had his way with it. When Putin was done, he turned to Obama and said, “Go ahead! It’s your turn!”


Without a second thought, Obama walked over and stuck his head in the wire fencing.

 

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Popes Crossword....

The pope and one of his aides were traveling across the Atlantic on plane, and during the flight, the Pope tried to catch up with one of his crossword puzzles.

Midway through the flight, the Pope leans over to his aid and whispers: "what's a 4-letter word that means 'woman' that ends in unt?"

His aide thinks for awhile and triumphantly says, "I have it. it's Aunt."

"Oh dear", says the pope, "do you have an eraser?"

 

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President George W. Bush decides it is time to do some public relations at a local Washington DC nursing home. The President begins his "tour" down the main hallway and passes by a little old man who doesn't seem to notice him.
Sensing this, President Bush backtracks to the resident and asks, "Do you know who I am?"
The little old man looks up from his walker and says, "No, but if you go to the front desk, they will tell you your name."