One liners, short jokes, funny sayings, puns, etal

[moreluck]

If people say they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and ask, "To be clear, do you know how reading works?" ~Bridger Winegar~

 

[moreluck]

My friend drives a steamroller. He's a grade guy, a real smooth operator. He has a nice flat, and a level head. He's really into community surface.

 

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My 90-year-old dad was giving a talk at our local library about his World War II experiences. During the question-and-answer period, he was asked, "How did you know the war was over?

"He replied, "When they stopped shooting at me."
-Lynette Combs-

 

[moreluck]

“My wife has a cold. This morning she woke up and had her morning coughy.”

 

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A recent survey done by marriage experts shows that the most common form of marriage proposal these days consists of the words: "You're what?!?"

 

[moreluck]

Men are like a pack of Cards:
A "heart" to love them
A "diamond" to marry them
A "club" to smack them and
A "spade" to bury the body...

 

[moreluck]

Hear about the blonde that bought an AM radio? It took her a month to figure out she could play it at night too.

 

[Future]

“My wife has a cold. This morning she woke up and had her morning coughy.”

 

[moreluck]

Drinking salt water makes you crazy. You'll end up like Frank Costanza: “Salinity now! Salinity now!”

 

[moreluck]

I went online to become a private detective. It was a private detective school online, and I paid online. But then I never heard from them again. I thought to myself, I either got ripped off or this is my first case.

 

[moreluck]

Two lawyers were walking along, negotiating a case.
"Look," said one to the other, "let's be honest with each other."
"Okay, you first," replied the other.
That was the end of the discussion.

 

[moreluck]

 

[moreluck]

Harold and Gertrude had been married for fifty years and played golf together every Saturday.
One day while out on the course, Harold said to Gertrude, "Honey, there has been something bothering me all these years that I'd like to get off my chest before I die. You remember when we were first married and I had that pretty young secretary working for me? Well, I had an affair with her. But it was only one time, that was many years ago and I have been faithful to you ever since."
Gertrude replied, "Harold, there is something bothering me which I need to tell you. Three years before I met you, I had a sex change operation."
Harold was visibly shaken and could only reply, "Honey, how could you have never told me this?...and all these years you've been hitting from the ladies tees!!"

 

[moreluck]

“I put my phone on vibrate. An hour later I finally got a text massage.”

 

[moreluck]

A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says , uno, dos *poof*... He disappeared without a tres.

 

[moreluck]

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

 

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[moreluck]

A blonde walks into a doctor's office and says, "Doc, I'm horribly sick!"
The doctor looks at her and asks, "Flu?"
"No, I drove here."

 

[moreluck]

Q: If you have 13 apples in one hand and 10 oranges in the other, what do you have?
A: Big hands.

 

[moreluck]

The black lacquer stand holding his prized Samurai swords was dusty, so my husband left our cleaning lady a note, reading, "Check out my swords."

That evening, he found the stand just as dusty as before but with this appended to his note: "Nice swords."