One liners, short jokes, funny sayings, puns, etal

[moreluck]

Hillary Needs a Glass of Water.....

The President and Mrs. Clinton were in bed late one night
when Hillary tugged on his elbow and asked, "Bill, are you awake?"
"What do you want?"
"I need a glass of water."
"Are you kidding? I'm the President of the United States.
I'm not getting you a glass of water. I don't get anyone a glass of
water,especially not in the middle of the night!"

"I'll get the water myself, "Hillary said. "I just wanted
you to save
my place."

 

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A man walks into a book store and asks the clerk if she could tell him where the "self-help" area is.
She replied, "Of course I can, but that would defeat the purpose, now wouldn't it?"

 

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A cowboy rides into town on Friday, stays three days and leaves on Friday how does he do it?

The horse's name is Friday

 

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“I don't mind kids playing hopscotch in most places, but my driveway is where I draw the line.”

 

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Q: What the difference between your first and second honeymoon?
A: Niagara and Viagra.

 

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MAN TO PSYCHIATRIST: "You have to help me, Doctor. I'm starting to believe I'm a woman."
PSYCHIATRIST "Why do you think that?"
MAN: "It was something my gynecologist said to me the other day."

 

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Three blondes are walking through a forest

...when they spot tracks on the ground. The first blonde says: "Look, those are deer tracks." The second blonde looks at them and says: "No you're wrong, those tracks obviously belong to wolves." The third blonde thinks for a minute and says: "You're both wrong, these are hog tracks, I'm sure." They were still arguing when the train hit them.

 

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Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician's office. When the exam was over, she shyly began, "My husband wants me to ask you..."
"I know, I know." the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy."
"No, that's not it at all." Brenda confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."

 

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Moral of the story....

A missionary, in Africa, was out taking a walk in the jungle. Suddenly, he heard a noise from the brush in front of him. It was a lion. He started to back up and heard a noise from behind. Sure enough, it was another lion. He looked to his left and then to his right. You guessed it, lions were on both sides. It looked grim, so the missionary sat down where he was and started to read his Bible. Shortly after he started reading, the lions jumped the missionary and ate him.
Moral of the story: Never read between the lions

 

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A little boy walks into his parents' room while they're having sex. The boy asks, "What are you doing?" The mother explains, "Your daddy was full of air, so I was jumping on him to get it out." The boy says, "That's funny. Every time you leave for work, your sister comes and blows him right back up."

 

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What's round and bad tempered? A vicious circle.

 

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[Oh Shoot]

 

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“Time is important to fullbacks. They are always rushing.”

 

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What do you get when you cross a Buddhist and a Druid?
Someone who worships the tree that is not there.

 

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“My small friend always argues that vanilla, chocolate and strawberry are the three best ice cream flavors, I think he has a Neapolitan complex.”

 

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Illegal Scandinavian immigrants aka artificial Swedeners. Immigration to Scandinavia is Oslo process, but there's Norway around it. Don't try to sneak in unless you can a fjord to pay off some skerry-looking folks.

 

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How can you tell which tricycle belongs to the blonde?

It is the one with the kickstand.

 

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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''

 

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You might be a redneck if...

You don't think Jeff's Foxworthy's jokes are funny.

Every time you see a roadsign that says "DIP" you reach in your back pocket.

You've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong table.

You have to throw down a rope ladder to get out of your truck.

You have to hit the dashboard in your truck to get the lights and radio to work.

The tires on your pick-up are taller than your children.

The duct tape on your car seat sticks to your butt when you get out.

You think "dual airbags" refers to your wife and mother-in-law.

Shopping for dinner involves an orange vest.

Your school dress code contains the line "Shoes Optional".