One liners, short jokes, funny sayings, puns, etal
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moreluck
golden ticket member
The new army recruit was given guard duty at 2 a.m. He did his best for a while, but at about 4 a.m. he went to sleep. He awakened to find the officer of the day standing before him.
Remembering the heavy penalty for being asleep on guard duty, this smart young man kept his head bowed for another moment and looked upward and reverently said, "A-a-a-men!"
Remembering the heavy penalty for being asleep on guard duty, this smart young man kept his head bowed for another moment and looked upward and reverently said, "A-a-a-men!"
moreluck
golden ticket member
Joe's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asked, "Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?"
Looking over her carefully, Joe replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five."
"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.
"Hey, wait a minute!" Joe interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet."
Looking over her carefully, Joe replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five."
"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.
"Hey, wait a minute!" Joe interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet."
moreluck
golden ticket member
A man walks into a bar, he sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the barman, "Why are those two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling?"
The barman replies, "It's a competition which we run every night. If you can jump up and touch the meat, you get free drinks for the whole night."
"Great!" says the man, "but what if I can't reach them?"
"Then you have to buy all the drinks for everyone all night," the barman answers.
"Do you want to try?"
"No, but thanks anyway."
"Why not?", asks the barman.
"The steaks are too high."
The barman replies, "It's a competition which we run every night. If you can jump up and touch the meat, you get free drinks for the whole night."
"Great!" says the man, "but what if I can't reach them?"
"Then you have to buy all the drinks for everyone all night," the barman answers.
"Do you want to try?"
"No, but thanks anyway."
"Why not?", asks the barman.
"The steaks are too high."
moreluck
golden ticket member
Played a round of golf with the local course pro for some helpful tips.
After playing the first hole I turned to him for some advice and all he said was "loft".
So after the next 4 holes I asked him again and all he said was "loft"
Now we're done with the round and I asked him why after each hole all he would ever tell me was "loft " ?
To which the pro relies "loft" - "Lack Of
Talent "
After playing the first hole I turned to him for some advice and all he said was "loft".
So after the next 4 holes I asked him again and all he said was "loft"
Now we're done with the round and I asked him why after each hole all he would ever tell me was "loft " ?
To which the pro relies "loft" - "Lack Of
Talent "
moreluck
golden ticket member
A foursome is waiting at the men's tee when another foursome of ladies are hitting from the ladies tee. The ladies are taking their time and when finally the last one is ready to hit the ball she hacks it about 10 feet, goes over to it, hacks it another ten feet and looks up at the men waiting and says apologetically: "I guess all those ing lessons I took this winter didn't help."
One of the men immediately replies: "No, you see there is your problem. You should have been taking golf lessons instead."
ing lessons I took this winter didn't help."One of the men immediately replies: "No, you see there is your problem. You should have been taking golf lessons instead."
A married man was having an affair with his competitor.
One day they both made up a story about having a conference , their passions
overcame them and they took off for her room, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening at around
9:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes
outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless
complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling, I can't lie to you,” the husband said. “I've been having an
affair with my competitor and we had sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't
wake up until Nine o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've
been playing golf!"
One day they both made up a story about having a conference , their passions
overcame them and they took off for her room, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening at around
9:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes
outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless
complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling, I can't lie to you,” the husband said. “I've been having an
affair with my competitor and we had sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't
wake up until Nine o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've
been playing golf!"
moreluck
golden ticket member
A woman phones up her husband at work for a chat.
HIM "I'm sorry dear but I'm up to my neck in work today."
HER "But I've got some good news and some bad news for you dear."
HIM "OK darling, but as I've got no time now, just give me the good news."
HER "Well, the air bag works."
HIM "I'm sorry dear but I'm up to my neck in work today."
HER "But I've got some good news and some bad news for you dear."
HIM "OK darling, but as I've got no time now, just give me the good news."
HER "Well, the air bag works."
moreluck
golden ticket member
"Poor old fool", thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fishing in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he'd humor the old man and asked, "So how many have you caught today?"
The old man replied,"you're the eighth."
The old man replied,"you're the eighth."
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