MrFedEx
Engorged Member
Dear Team Members,
Wow, it sure is nice here. Happy New Year from the Aloha State! Just wanted to touch base with the team and say that I was there with you in spirit over Peak as I lounged on the beach and had Dano rub me down with cocoa butter...yummy. Plus, he always had a nice cool drink with a cute little umbrella in it for me to maintain my extreme chill factor.
I'll be back in Memphis soon, and I've got some great new ideas that will both add to your productivity and job satisfaction.
1. No pay after 10 hours. If you cannot get your job done within this time frame, you work for free until you get all of your stops delivered. The 14-hour rule doesn't apply to FedEx...Mr. Smith is working on a special exemption like the wonderful RLA rule that protects you from unions.
2. No more DEX 08s. If need be, you'll stand by at the recipient until they arrive to accept their precious package. If it's a residential, you need to try at least 10 neighbors before you return later to await their arrival home.
3. All Amazon packages will be delivered first, and so will all Apple packages, all medical packages, and all vital packages. Is that clear?
4. Effective immediately, all stations will start their sorts 30 minutes later. However, SPH goals and expectations will remain the same.
5. When delivering Amazon packages, you must don white gloves and wrap the package with a purple bow, and then place a mint on top of the package before gently placing it on a bed of rose petals on the recipient's porch. All flower, bow, and mint costs will be the responsibility of the employee.
6. The belts at all stations will be modified to go 60 mph, and any missed packages on the sort will result in the employee receiving an OLCC.
7. If you get injured, you are terminated immediately so you can pursue new career opportunities.
8. Each morning, employees will sing the company song, bow towards Memphis for 5 minutes, and then chant the mantra "Work harder, work faster" 100 times. This activity will be off-the-clock, but mandatory. At the end of the ceremony, all employees will file past a picture of Mr. Smith and touch it with great respect and reverence.
9. Your new fuel allotment is 5 gallons per day. Any amount over and above 5 gallons is the responsibility of the employee. All normal wear and tear items such as tires, brakes, headlights, and windshield wipers are also the responsibility of the employee and these costs will be deducted from your weekly check.
10. Effective immediately, your insurance deductibles will rise to $10,000 per person, and you will have a choice of one (1) doctor per state. All travel costs will be the responsibility of the employee and cannot interfere with work hours scheduled.
11. Part-time employees must now work all hours as-directed by management. All school, other work, and child and/or elder care issues are secondary to the mission at FedEx.
12. All corporate officers will receive a $1M bonus for outstanding leadership during Peak 2013 and shall receive another 100,000 stock options.
I have so much more!! But Dano says it's time to cuddle and then we're off to the cabana for some hula lessons!! Aloha, Ground is Good, and Bravo Zulu!!
Book Em' Dano!!
Kona Matt
Wow, it sure is nice here. Happy New Year from the Aloha State! Just wanted to touch base with the team and say that I was there with you in spirit over Peak as I lounged on the beach and had Dano rub me down with cocoa butter...yummy. Plus, he always had a nice cool drink with a cute little umbrella in it for me to maintain my extreme chill factor.
I'll be back in Memphis soon, and I've got some great new ideas that will both add to your productivity and job satisfaction.
1. No pay after 10 hours. If you cannot get your job done within this time frame, you work for free until you get all of your stops delivered. The 14-hour rule doesn't apply to FedEx...Mr. Smith is working on a special exemption like the wonderful RLA rule that protects you from unions.
2. No more DEX 08s. If need be, you'll stand by at the recipient until they arrive to accept their precious package. If it's a residential, you need to try at least 10 neighbors before you return later to await their arrival home.
3. All Amazon packages will be delivered first, and so will all Apple packages, all medical packages, and all vital packages. Is that clear?
4. Effective immediately, all stations will start their sorts 30 minutes later. However, SPH goals and expectations will remain the same.
5. When delivering Amazon packages, you must don white gloves and wrap the package with a purple bow, and then place a mint on top of the package before gently placing it on a bed of rose petals on the recipient's porch. All flower, bow, and mint costs will be the responsibility of the employee.
6. The belts at all stations will be modified to go 60 mph, and any missed packages on the sort will result in the employee receiving an OLCC.
7. If you get injured, you are terminated immediately so you can pursue new career opportunities.
8. Each morning, employees will sing the company song, bow towards Memphis for 5 minutes, and then chant the mantra "Work harder, work faster" 100 times. This activity will be off-the-clock, but mandatory. At the end of the ceremony, all employees will file past a picture of Mr. Smith and touch it with great respect and reverence.
9. Your new fuel allotment is 5 gallons per day. Any amount over and above 5 gallons is the responsibility of the employee. All normal wear and tear items such as tires, brakes, headlights, and windshield wipers are also the responsibility of the employee and these costs will be deducted from your weekly check.
10. Effective immediately, your insurance deductibles will rise to $10,000 per person, and you will have a choice of one (1) doctor per state. All travel costs will be the responsibility of the employee and cannot interfere with work hours scheduled.
11. Part-time employees must now work all hours as-directed by management. All school, other work, and child and/or elder care issues are secondary to the mission at FedEx.
12. All corporate officers will receive a $1M bonus for outstanding leadership during Peak 2013 and shall receive another 100,000 stock options.
I have so much more!! But Dano says it's time to cuddle and then we're off to the cabana for some hula lessons!! Aloha, Ground is Good, and Bravo Zulu!!
Book Em' Dano!!
Kona Matt
