Heard Any Good Ones: Archive

[more]

PONDERING:
* When an agnostic dies, does he go to the "great perhaps"?

* Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

* Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?

* If procrastinators had a club, would they ever have a meeting?

* If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?

* If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

* Isn't it strange that the same people who laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously?

* If scientists crossed a chicken with a zebra, would they get a four-legged chicken with its own barcode?

* Who decided "Hotpoint" would be a good name for a company that sells refrigerators?

* How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?

 

[more]

A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked, "How much is 2+2?" The housewife replies, "Four!"
The accountant says, "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures on my spreadsheet one more time."
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the light and asks in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"

 

[anonymous]

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to
tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came
back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One
time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the
pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke
and made a mess"
"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good, "said the teacher.

"Now, Lucy?"
"Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We
had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks
And the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatche
d."
"That was a fine story Lucy.

Johnny do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was
a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out
over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun
and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and
then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy
of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets, then she killed
twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then she killed the
last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, " What kind of moral did your
daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Don't screw with Aunt Karen after she's been drinking."

 

[more]

THINGS YOU LEARN FROM THE MOVIES......

Large loft-style apartments in New York are well within the price range of most people - whether they are employed or not.

At least one of a pair of identical twins is evil.

Should you decide to diffuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.

Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

When you turn out the light and go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

If you are blonde & pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at age 22.

Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down 3 days before their retirement.

All grocery shoping bags contain at least one loaf of French bread.

It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the tower to talk you down.

to be continued....

 

[more]

THINGS YOU LEARN FROM THE MOVIES PT. 2......

Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
The Eiffel tower can be seen from every window in Paris.
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
A detective can only solve a case after he has been suspended from duty.
If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will know all the steps.
Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously every few moments.

 

[magic]

What is the last thing a redneck says before he dies ?

"Hey y'all. Watch this!"

 

[more]

**** MOM'S DICTIONARY ****

AMNESIA: A condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to make love again.

FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him.

GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even though you are raising them all wrong.

OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.

SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.

TWO MINUTE WARNING: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

 

[more]

BLIND GOLF.....

A priest, a doctor and a professional golfer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
GOLFER: What's with these guys? We've been waiting over 15 mins.!
DOCTOR: I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude.
PRIEST: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him. Say, George, what's with that group ahead of us? They are rather slow, aren't they?
GEORGE: Oh yes. That's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight while saving our clubhouse last year. So, we let them play here anytime free of charge.
(SILENCE)

PRIEST: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.
DOCTOR: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.
GOLFER: Why can't these guys play at night???

 

[magic]

REDNECK WEDDING NIGHT.....
This redneck couple get married. They go back to the motel after the ceremony and she changes into a sexy negligee, lies on the bed and says, "Be gentle with me, I'm a virgin."
At this her new husband bursts into tears, pulls on his clothes, jumps into his truck and drives home. He tells his father what happened.
"Son, you done the right thing," says his pop. "If she weren't good enough for her own family, she ain't good enough for ours."

 

[more]

HICK-PHONICS......
Heidi - a greeting
Hire yew - inquiring about one's well being.
Bard - past tense of to borrow as in, My brother
bard my pick-up.
Jawjuh - A state just north of Florida.
Munts - a calendar division.
Ignert - not smart. See: "Arkansas Native."
Ranch - a tool used for tightening bolts.
All - a petroleum based lubricant.
Far - something aflame
Bahs - a supervisor.
Tar - a rubber wheel.
- to stop working.
Farn - not local
Did - not alive.
Bob War - a sharp twisted cable used in fencing.
Haze - a contraction meaning "he is".
Seed - past tense of see.
View - a contraction meaning "have you".
Heavy Dew - a request for action. Usage: "Kin I
heavy dew me a favor?"

 

[more]

Amish Spring Break Activities:

Drink molasses 'til you heave.
Wet bonnet contest.
Stuff as many guys as you can in a buggy.
Buttermilk kegger.
Blow past the Dairy Queen on a really bitchin' Clydesdale.
Get tattoo "Born to raise barns".
Sleep in 'til 6:00 am.
Drive over to Mennonite Country and kick butt.
Churning butter naked.

 

[anon]

THINGS THAT NEVER HAPPENED ON SEINFELD.....

A character dumps his/her girlfriend/boyfriend for a good reason.

Jerry invites Newman over to his apartment.

Jerry dates a woman over a size 12.

The viewer's see the inside of Kramer's apartment.

A character dates someone for a full week and doesn't have sex.

Uncle Leo accuses no one of being anti-Semitic.

Steinbrenner shuts up for a minute and let's George talk.

George's parents talking quietly.

Kramer knocks before entering Jerry's apartment.

Kramer gets a real job.

Kramer gets evicted for non payment of rent from having no job.

Ten minutes go by and no 2 characters start bickering about something insignificant and stupid.

 

[more]

KIDS BOOKS YOU'LL NEVER SEE:

"You Were an Accident"
"Strangers Have the Best Candy"
"Some Kittens Can Fly"
"The Kid's Guide to Hitchhiking"
"You Are Different & That's Bad"
"Dad's New Wife Timothy"
"Babar Meets the Taxidermist"
"Curious George & the High Voltage Fence"
"Why Can't Mr. Fork & Miss Electrical Outlet be friends?"
"Bi-Curious George"
"Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will"
"Pop! Goes the Hamster....and Other Great Microwave Games"

 

[goldie]

DENNIS MILLER'S ADVICE ON WHAT WOMEN WANT

Nowadays it seems like they want ... other women. No, uhh... some women want zero from a man, and others want lots of zeros from a man.

Let's see, the myth is that women want
Brad Pitt in the bedroom,
Brad Pitt in the kitchen,
Brad Pitt around the house,
Brad Pitt during a game,
Brad Pitt when they're sick,
Brad Pitt in conversation,
the body of Brad Pitt in 'Legends of the Fall' combined with the voice of Brad Pitt, and to top it all off the IQ of Fabio on two bottles of NyQuil.

Another myth is that a woman must be married by a certain age or she'll never find stability. Hey, I've got news for you, ladies looking to men for stability is like going to Crispin Glover for psychoanalysis, all right?

And yet a third myth is that men think that women like guys who are dangerous. As a result, guys will often smoke cigarettes, drink too much, and ride a motorcycle without a helmet. Women don't like guys who are dangerous. Women want us to think that because women are trying to kill us.

Now I'll be the first to admit that men's advice on women is about as reliable as an M-16 in the mud, but this is what I kinda sorta, maybe think women want from men.

ONE-Foreplay is not a privilege; it is a birthright.

TWO-If you take her out to a fancy restaurant, don't try to subtly steer her away from the lobster, Diamond Jim.

THREE-Quit blowing smoke about the sanctity and power they possess as lifegivers and come up with some decent affordable child care. That way, maybe poor single mothers can go to work and get off welfare, and we won't have to listen to any more s in Congress blathering about orphanages.

FOUR-Equal work for equal pay. Look around you at work, guys. Look at say... Carl, the brain-dead jackoff in the cubicle next to you. You could kill Carl, couldn't you, because he's a slacking, worthless, toady idiot. Now imagine making 30 percent less than Carl.

FIVE-This is very important During lovemaking Don't ask, "Who's your daddy?" Even as a joke. All right? It's not funny.

SIX-When her mouth moves, pay attention, words could be coming out. Words are kind of important.

SEVEN-Pass a law that makes it compulsory for all over-the-hill rock stars to have women their own age in their videos.

EIGHT-Don't ask her if it was good for her. You're a big boy now, Clouseau, you should know.

NINE-Don't tell her how to merge and she won't tell you to ask for directions.

TEN-When she catches you cheating on her and cuts off your <FONT COLOR="ff0000">••••</FONT> in your sleep, take it like a man.

So, guys, at the end of the day what women want is this equal pay, fair treatment, respect, patience, sensitivity, passion and a genuine effort at understanding who they really are.

Or if that's too much to ask, how about a big diamond the size of your head?

 

[zippo]

Peapod, in Search of Takeover Offers,
Is Visited by UPS and Grocery Rivals
By DEVON SPURGEON
Staff Reporter of THE WALL STREET JOURNAL


CHICAGO -- Peapod Inc., so pressed for cash it is courting takeover offers, has received visits from representatives of United Parcel Service of America Inc., HomeGrocer.com and Royal Ahold NV of the Netherlands, according to people familiar with the matter.

But no bid has been made for Peapod, the nation's largest online grocer. Earlier this month, the resignation for health reasons of its chief executive, William Malloy, prompted venture capitalists to drop a planned investment of $120 million. That setback forced Peapod to hire investment-banking firm Wasserstein Perella &amp; Co. to explore strategic alternatives, including possibly selling the company.

Officials of UPS, Atlanta, declined to comment, as did those of Peapod rival HomeGrocer, Kirkland, Wash., and European grocery giant Ahold.

Peapod, which has a market capitalization of $57 million, delivers groceries to customers who place their orders online. Its database contains the names, addresses and grocery-preferences of 100,000 customers in eight major markets. That could represent a prize for a traditional grocery company seeking to bolster its fledgling online operation or for such competitors as Webvan Inc., Foster City, Calif., and HomeGrocer.

Like other online concerns, Peapod has never earned a penny. In mid-March, Peapod said it had $3 million to cover operating debts of an amount it wouldn't disclose. Peapod officials won't say how much of that $3 million remains.

A statement from Andrew Parkinson, founder and acting CEO, said: "We are working closely with our financial advisers in exploring strategic alternatives for the company but cannot comment on the specifics of the process or on the parties with whom we have spoken regarding a possible interest in the company. I also cannot comment on whether we have received any indications or offers."

Peapod board members are set to meet Friday to discuss their options. Those would include continuing the search for a buyer or finding bridge financing that would allow the company to continue operating in the near term. Another possibility would be to find a new source of venture capital.

At 4 p.m. Wednesday, Peapod was down 12.5 cents at $3.1875 on the Nasdaq Stock Market.

 

[more]

THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND......

* Why it's good to have 5 pair of black shoes.

* The difference between cream, ivory and off-white.

* Crying can be fun.

* FAT CLOTHES.

* A salad, diet Coke and hot fudge sundae make a balanced lunch.

* The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

* Why a phone call between 2 women never lasts under 10 minutes.

* Other women.

 

[goldie]

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become
detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he
shows the first blonde a picture for 5 second and then hides it.

"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first blonde answers,"That's easy, we'll catch him fast because
he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture
shows his profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the
picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her,

"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says,

"Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two??
Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture
of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to
the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks,

"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He
quickly adds "...think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and
says, "Hmmmm...the suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really
doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.

"Well, that's an interesting answer...wait here for a few
minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file
in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

"Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in
fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an
astute observation?"

"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular
glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

 

[goldie]

One night a Delta twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above
New Jersey. There were 5 people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan,
Hillary Clinton, the Pope, and a hippie. Suddenly, an illegal oxygen
generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger
cabin began to fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the pilot
burst into the compartment."Ladies &amp; Gentlemen, I have good news &amp; bad
news.

The bad news is that we're about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is
that there are 4 parachutes &amp; I have one of them." With that, the pilot
threw open the door &amp; jumped from the plane. Michael Jordan was on his
feet in a flash. "Hey guys" he said "I am the world's greatest athlete.
The world needs great athletes. I think the world's greatest athlete
should have a parachute!" With these words, he grabbed one of the
remaining parachutes &amp; hurtled through the door &amp; into the night.
Hillary Clinton rose &amp; said, "Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest woman.
The world needs smart women to lead all you little people, because you
miserable scum do not have the brains to do so. The world's smartest
woman should have a parachute too." She quickly grabbed a pack, and out
she jumped.

The Pope and the hippie looked at one another. Finally the Pope spoke,
"My son, I have lived a satisfying life &amp; have known the bliss of the
True God every day at Mass. You have your life ahead of you; you take the
last parachute &amp; I will go down with the plane," The hippie smiled slowly
and said "Hey, don't worry, Pope. The world's smartest woman just
jumped out wearing my backpack."

 

[more]

RANDY THE ROOSTER....
A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could buy a special rooster - one that could service all of his many hens and when he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied: "I have just the rooster for you. Randy here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!"
The farmer took Randy back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the henhouse though, he gave Randy a little pep talk. "Randy", he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff!" Randy strutted in to the henhouse.
Randy was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was squawking and many feathers flying 'til Randy had finished having his way with each hen. But Randy didn't stop there. He went into the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace.
Then he went to the pighouse where he did the same. The farmer, watching all this with disbelief, cried out "Stop, Randy, you'll kill yourself!" But Randy continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.
Well, the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Randy lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back in his head and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Randy. The farmer walked up to Randy saying, "Oh you poor thing. Look what you did. You've gone and killed yourself! I warned you, my little buddy!"
"Shhhhhh", Randy whispered, "The buzzard"s getting closer."

 

[biff]

Four doctors who hadnt seen each other since their surgical residencies met at a medical seminar. Adjourning for dinner and drinks, they turned their conversation to who makes the best surgical patients:

The first said, for sure, electrical engineers. You open em up, he contended, and everything is color-coded.

Nah, said the second. Its librarians. You open em up and everything is alphabetized.

The third scoffed. Of course not, he said. Its accountants. You open em up and everything is numbered.

Lawyers, said the fourth, with a shake of his head. Its lawyers, you idiots! No heart, no guts, no spine, and the <FONT COLOR="ff0000">•••</FONT> and the brain are interchangeable.