Heard Any Good Ones: Archive

F

flimflam

Guest
Arbitrator \ar'-bi-tray-ter\:
A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.

Avoidable \uh-voy'-duh-buhl\:
What a bullfighter tries to do.

Baloney \buh-lo'-nee\:
Where some hemlines fall.

Bernadette \burn'-a-det\:
The act of torching a mortgage.

Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize\:
What a crook sees with.

Counterfeiters \kown-ter-fit-ers\:
Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

Eclipse \e-klips'\:
What an English barber does for a living.

Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\:
A clumsy ophthalmologist.

Heroes \hee'-rhos\:
What a guy in a boat does.

Left Bank \left' bangk'\:
What the robber did when his bag was full of loot.

Misty \mis'-tee\:
How golfers create divots.

Paradox \par'-uh-doks\:
Two physicians.

Parasites \par'-uh-sites\:
What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist\:
A helper on the farm.

Polarize \po'-lur-ize\:
What penguins see with.
 
M

more

Guest
A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his younger cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"

"Sixteen." the boy responded.

His cousin was amazed that he answered so quickly. "How do you know that?"

"Easy," the little boy said, "all you have to do is add it up, like the preacher said: 'Four better, four worse, four richer, four poorer'."
 
M

more

Guest
A Tennessee State Trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-20.

He says to the driver, "Got any ID?"

The driver says, "bout what?"
 
R

roger

Guest
Baseball In Heaven?

Two buddies, Bob and Earl, were two of the biggest baseball fans in
America. For their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball
history in the winter and they poured over every box score during the
baseball season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that the
one that died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was
baseball in heaven.

One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching a Yankee
victory earlier in the evening. Being that he was a big Yankee fan, he
died a happy man.

A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from
beyond.

"Bob is that you?" Earl asked.

"Of course it is me," Bob replied.

"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in
heaven?"

"Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want
to hear first?"

"Tell me the good news first."

"Well, the good news is that, yes, there is baseball in heaven, Earl."

"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"

"You're pitching tomorrow night."
 
M

more

Guest
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He lowers the balloon and spots a man down below.

He shouts down: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "You are in a balloon about 30 feet above this field."

"You must work in the computer field" says the balloonist.

"Yes I do" replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well, what you told me is technically correct, but of no use to anyone."

"You must be in management" replied the man below.

"Yes I am, but how did you know?" asked the balloonist.

"Well," said the man. "You don't know where you are or where you are going, but you expect me to be able to help. You are in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
 
E

ex

Guest
I know that all you adept corporate animals have already internalized all of these little parables, but it is useful to occasionally review them just to ensure that you keep hitting those important fundamentals in your miserabl... I
mean in your fulfilling careers.


Three Corporate Lessons:

Lesson Number One:

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story is: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.


Lesson Number Two:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree, " sighed the turkey, "but I havn't got the energy."
"Well why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
"They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of the dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after about a week, there he was perched at the top of the tree. Soon a farmer spotted the turkey and shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bull:censored2: might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.


Lesson Number Three:

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold that the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and crapped on the bird. As the bird lay there in a pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

The Moral of the story is:
1) Not everyone who craps on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of the crap is your friend.
3) If you're warm and happy in a pile of crap, keep your mouth shut.
 
L

law

Guest
2 versions of the same lawyer joke

VERSION 1

The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing his sins:

1) Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew they
were guilty.

2) Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high.

3) Overcharging fees to many clients.

4) Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a
controversial case.

And the list goes on for quite awhile.

The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. He admits all these
things, but argues, "Wait, I've done some charity in my life also." St.
Peter looks in his book and says,"Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to a
panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy, correct?"

The lawyer gets a smug look on his face and replies, "Yes."

St. Peter turns to the angel next to him and says,
"Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to Hell."

VERSION 2

A New York divorce lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter
asked him, "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"

The lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a
homeless person on the street."

Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment
Gabriel affirmed that this was true.

Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get
you into Heaven."

The lawyer said, "Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless
person a quarter."

Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming
this, too, had been verified.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with
this fellow?"

Gabriel gave the lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,
"Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."
 
W

wrh

Guest
From the Home Office in Wahoo, Nebraska, it's the Top Ten List for, March 14, 2000
Top Ten Items On President Clinton's Resume

10. 1986-89: Body Double for Pillsbury Doughboy.
9. 1973: Voted Yale Law School "Most Weaselly."
8. References available upon subpoena.
7. June 1988: Secretly married Carmen Electra.
6. Career objective: Keeping my fat <FONT COLOR="ff0000">•••</FONT> out of prison.
5. 1997 Winner of the Golden Moonshine Jug for Outstanding Hillbilly Achievement.
4. Executive Director, American Society of Bubbas.
3. 1997: Cruller Tester, Winchell's Donuts.
2. Proud father of over 200 students at Little Rock Junior High.
1. Can lie fluently in seven languages.
 
C

chris

Guest
Let's face it: English is a stupid language.

There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.
We sometimes take English for granted
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea, nor is it a pig.
If writers write, how come fingers don't fing?
If the plural of tooth is teeth Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth?
If the teacher taught, Why didn't the preacher praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables What the heck does a humanitarian eat?
Why do people recite at a play Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and Drive on parkways
How can the weather be as hot as hell on one day And as cold as hell on another?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy Of a language where a house can burn up
as It burns down
And in which you fill in a form By filling it out
And a bell is only heard once it goes!
English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race (Which of course isn't a race
at all)
That is why When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they are invisible
And why it is that when I wind up my watch, It starts But when I wind up this poem
It ends.
 
C

chris

Guest
Three men answered an ad for CIA agents. The ad stated the men were to bring their wives.

The first man was called in for the interview. The Special Agent in charge handed him a gun, then said, "We must have absolute loyalty in this service.
Take your wife in the next room and shoot her."

The man looked shocked. He thought and said "I'm afraid I can't do that. I just got married 2 weeks ago and I still love my wife." He left.

The second man came in and the agent gave him the same pitch. The man, almost in tears said, "Oh no. I can't do that to her, she's about to have a baby."
So he left.

The third man entered and was given the pitch. So he took the gun and his wife into the next room. Soon "bam bam bam bam bam bam!" Then there was noise of a scuffle, furniture being broken, a woman's screams, then nothing.
The man comes back out.

The agents asked, "What went on in there??!!"

The man said: "Some idiot put blanks in the gun so I had to strangle her!"
 
C

chris

Guest
DONATIONS


A Marine colonel on his way home from work at the Pentagon
came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, Wow,
this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving.
He notices a police officer walking back and forth between
the lines of cars. So he rolls down his window and asks,
"Officer, what's the hold up?"
The Officer replies, "The President is just so depressed about
the thought of moving with Hillary to New York that he stopped
his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway and he's threatening
to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says his
family hates him, and he doesn't have the money to pay for the
new house. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him."
"Oh really? How much have you collected so far?"
"So far about 300 gallons, but a lot of folks are still siphoning."
 
E

ergo

Guest
Real Headlines:

March Planned For Next August

Blind Bishop Appointed To See

Lingerie Shipment Hijacked--Thief Gives Police The Slip

L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal By Landslide

Patient At Death's Door--Doctors Pull Him Through

Latin Course To Be Canceled--No Interest Among Students, Et Al.

Diaper Market Bottoms Out

Croupiers On Strike--Management: "No Big Deal"

Stadium Air Conditioning Fails--Fans Protest

Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped

Henshaw Offers Rare Opportunity to Goose Hunters

Women's Movement Called More Broad-Based

Antique Stripper to Display Wares at Store

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

Lawyers Give Poor Free Legal Advice

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Fund Set Up for Beating Victim's Kin

Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

Cancer Society Honors Marlboro Man

Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe Out Literacy

Autos Killing 110 a Day--Let's Resolve to Do Better

20-Year Friendship Ends at Altar

War Dims Hope For Peace

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Half of U.S. High Schools Require Some Study for Graduation

Blind Woman Gets New Kidney from Dad She Hasn't Seen in Years
 
R

rosalie

Guest
YOU KNOW YOU'RE TRAILER TRASH WHEN...

1. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in
front of her kids.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

5. Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired people."

6. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

7. Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey watch this."

8. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

9. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

10. Your junior prom had a daycare.

11. You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen
start your engines."

12. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its
wheels.

14. The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much
gas is in it.

15. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

16. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

17. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the
House of Tattoos.

18. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

19. You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

20. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

21. Your front porch collapses and kills more than five dogs.
 
R

rosalie

Guest
OIL CHANGING INSTRUCTIONS:

Women:
1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Men:
1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts, write check for 50 dollars for oil, filter, oil lift,
hand cleaner and scented tree.
2. Discover that used oil container is full. Instead of taking back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.
12. Clean up.
13. Have another beer while oil is draining.
14. Look for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; poke oil filter with Phillips screwdriver and twist it off.
16. Beer.
17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19. Throw oil lift (AKA kitty litter) on oil spilled during step 18.
20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.
27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.
29. Begin cussing fit.
30. Throw wrench.
31. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December(1992) in the left boob.
32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
33. Beer.
34. Beer.
35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
36. Beer.
37. Lower car from jack stands
38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands
39. Move car back to apply more oil lift (AKA kitty litter) to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
40. Drive car
 
M

more

Guest
TOP 10 BLONDE INVENTIONS.......

10. The water proof towel.
9. Solar powered flashlight.
8. Submarine screen door.
7. A book on how to read.
6. Inflatable dart board.
5. A dictionary index
4. Ejector seat in a helicopter.
3. Powdered water.
2. Pedal-powered wheel chair.
1. Water proof tea bag.
 
W

will

Guest
Thought for the Day:

Life at work is like a tree full of monkeys,
all on different limbs at different levels.
Some monkeys are climbing up, some down.
The monkeys on top look down
and see a tree full of smiling faces.
The monkeys on the bottom look up
and see nothing but :censored2:s.
 
T

theo

Guest
"Throw the (Good) Book at Him!" or (If He Studied His Bible He Wouldn't BE In This Mess in the First Place!)

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of religious service when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!" (..turn from your sin...)

The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. Then the woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar,"Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture at you."

"Scripture?" replied the burglar, "She said she had an ax and two 38s!"
 
T

theo

Guest
Bert took his Saint Bernard to the vet.
"Doctor," he said sadly, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to cut off my dog's tail."
The vet stepped back, "Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing?"
"Because my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make her think she's welcome.
 
M

more

Guest
In the summer of 1900, when my grandmother was a child.........

The average life expectancy in the U.S was 47.

Only 4% of the homes in U.S. had a bathtub.

Only 8% of the homes had a phone.

A 3 min. call from Denver to N.Y. cost $11.00.

There were only 8000 cars in the U.S. and only 144 miles of paved road.

The max. speed limit in most cities was 10 MPH.

Alabama, Miss., Iowa and Tenn. were each more heavily populated than California. CA. was the 21st most populous state in the union.

The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower.

More than 95% of all births took place at home.

Sugar cost 4 cents a pound, eggs 14 cents a doz. and coffee was 15 cents a pound.

Most women only washed their hair once a month and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo.

The population of Las Vegas was 30.

Only 6% of Americans graduated from high school.

There were about 230 reported murders in the U.S. yearly.

Marijuana,heroin and morphine were all available over the counter at corner drugstores.

Coca-Cola contained cocaine instead of caffeine.

Scotch tape, crossword puzzles, canned beer and iced tea hadn't been invented.

Insulin and antibiotics hadn't been discovered yet.

The average wage in the U.S. was 22 cents an hour. The average worker made between $200 &amp; $400 per year.
 
S

sue

Guest
Tracy watched as the cashier rang up her purchases. "Cash, check or charge?" She asked after folding the items Tracy had bought. As she fumbled for her wallet, the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"Do you always carry your TV remote?" The cashier asked.

"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."
 
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