One liners, short jokes, funny sayings, puns, etal

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Jordan Rubin: German Porno
I got a German porno movie the other day. It has subtitles, which is great cause, otherwise, I would have had no idea what was going on.

 

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Golf is a game in which you yell "Fore", shoot six, and write down five.

 

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Just burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

 

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The flight attendant on the trip was handing out plastic pilot wings to some kids. As the young man stepped forward, she playfully offered some to him.
He passed, pointing to the Airborne wings on his Army uniform. He explained, “The last time someone gave me wings, I had to jump out of the airplane.”

 

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Memorial Day Every year back in Ohio, we would have yard sales on Memorial Day weekend, so its like Mardi Gras for white trash.

 

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The teacher in Little Johnnys class approached him and directed he go to the principal's office. When he got there, the principle said to him, "Little Johnny, I've had complaints about you from all your teachers. What have you been doing?"
Little Johnny replied, "Nothing, Sir!"
The principal replied, "EXACTLY!"

 

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“The cobbler's tools had a party. A good time was had by awl.”

 

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Husband: "What are you doing?"
Wife: "Nothing."
Husband: "Nothing? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour."
Wife: "I was looking for the expiration date."

 

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An 8 year old girl went to the office with her father on 'Take your kid to work Day'.
As they walked round the office she started crying and getting cranky.
Her father asked what was wrong.
As the staff gathered round she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns you said you worked with?"

 

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Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:
"GOD LOVES YOU WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT!"

 

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Doctor to a woman: "You look exhausted, have you been taking 3 meals a day like I told you?"
Woman replies: "Oh, my... I thought you said 3 males a day."

 

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When ghosts go camping, they sit around the fire and tell Chuck Norris stories.

 

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My wife asked why I spoke so softly in the house.
I said I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed.
I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.

 

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My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. I said, "No, wait! I can change."

 

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I was just born. My father asks my mother, "Do you have a name in mind?"
My mom replies, "No, uhh..."
My dad interrupts, "Noah! Perfect name!"
That's how I got the name Noah.

 

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“The company's performance was so abysmal that it quickly became the joke of Wall Street: a laughing-stock.”

 

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So Moses is up on Mount Sinai and he says to God, "God, do I have a pounding headache!"
And God says, "Here, take these two tablets."

 

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Go braless.....it will pull the wrinkles out of your face.

 

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“A magician got so angry that he hit the man in the juggler and then pulled his hare out.”

 

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Two windmills are in a field. One asks, "What kind of music do you like?"

The other one says, "Well, I’m a big metal fan."