One liners, short jokes, funny sayings, puns, etal

moreluck

golden ticket member
Nick Kroll: Same Perfume
My mother and my girlfriend are wearing the same perfume, which is weird because, all of a sudden, Im attracted to my girlfriend.
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A. They're married.

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
One night a lady with a black eye stumbled into a police station. She told the desk sergeant that she heard a noise in her back yard and went to investigate. The next thing she knew, she was hit in the face and knocked out cold.
An officer was sent to her house to investigate, and he returned a few minutes later, also with a black eye.
"Did you get hit by the same attacker?" his captain asked.
"No, sir," he replied. "I stepped on the same rake."
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
SMART ASS ANSWER #6

It was mealtime during an airline flight.
'Would you like dinner?' , the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied .


SMART ASS ANSWER #5

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'


SMART ASS ANSWER #4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead...'


SMART ASS ANSWER #3

The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said.
The kid replied, 'Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.


SMART ASS ANSWER #2

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
A tourist was admiring the necklace worn by a local Indian.
"What is it made of?" she asked.
"Alligator's teeth," the Indian replied.
"I suppose," she said patronizingly, "that they mean as much to you as pearls do to us."
"Oh no," he objected. "Anybody can open an oyster."
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money I wouldn't be here."
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
A man walked up to the counter of an auto-part store. "Excuse me," he said, "I'd like to get a new gas cap for my Yugo."
"Sure," the clerk replied. "Sounds like a fair exchange to me."
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
I was arrested the other day for stealing people’s electrons.

I was heavily charged, despite my victims saying it was an overall positive experience
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Upon arrival, the lumberjack started to swing at the tree, when the tree suddenly shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!”
The lumberjack grinned and said, “And you will dialogue!”
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
There's a boat sinking out at sea with men, women and children on it, along with a minister, a rabbi, and a priest.

The minister said, "Oh my god, will somebody think of the children."

The rabbi said, ":censored2: the children."

The priest said, "Do we have time?"
 
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