One liners, short jokes, funny sayings, puns, etal

[moreluck]

Farmer Gossman goes to the vet and says, "My horse is constipated."
The vet says, "Take one of these pills, put it in a long tube, stick the other end in the horse's ass, and blow the pill up there."
Farmer Gossman comes back the next day, and he looks very sick.
The vet says, "What happened?"
Farmer Gossman says, "The horse farted first."

 

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A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat.
"Are you crazy?" yelled the customer, "with your hand on my steak?"
"What" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again

 

[moreluck]

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 4, 2, 28 and 44?"
Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO, and the Cartoon Network!"

 

[moreluck]

My wife and I decided not to have kids

The kids are taking it pretty hard.

 

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“When the atheist observed his plight he realized he didn't have a prayer.”

 

[moreluck]

A secretary walked into her boss's office and said, "I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you."
"Why do you always have to give me bad news?" he complained. "Tell me some good news for once."
"Alright, here's some good news," said the secretary. "You're not sterile."

 

[moreluck]

How does a Scotsman find a sheep in tall grass?
Very satisfying.

 

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Q: Why did the blond climb the glass wall?
A: To see what was on the other side

 

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I wanted to be a monk, but I never had the chants!

 

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Why do men like to watch porno movies backward?

They like the part where the hooker gives the money back.

 

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There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married...
A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.

 

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“Is photography of internal organs the wave of the future, or just a flash in the pancreas?”

 

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“When ferns cohabitate, are they fronds with benefits?”

 

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Her: "I don't even know what the cloning machine does?"
Me: "Well, that makes two of us."

 

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Poop jokes aren't my favorite kind of jokes...but they're a solid number two!

 

[moreluck]

My local college just announced the end of a scientific study...
Results showed that out of 2,293,618,367 people, 94% are too lazy to actually read that number.

 

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A Mexican magician was doing a magic trick. He said, Uno, Dose, and he disappeared without a trace.

 

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Little Johnny walked into his classroom with a fried egg on his head.
The teacher asked, "Why do you have a fried egg on your head?"
Little Johnny responded, "Because a hard boiled egg rolls off."

 

[moreluck]

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.
A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty 4-Wheel drive vehicles."
"She did," he replied. "But where in the world was I gonna find a fake Jeep?"

 

[moreluck]

Death and taxes are inevitable...
But at least death doesn't get worse every year!