One liners, short jokes, funny sayings, puns, etal

[moreluck]

Harry and his wife are driving in the country when he sees a sign that reads: "Cow For Sale -- $5,000."
He pulls in and says to the farmer, "There's no cow in the world worth $5,000."
The farmer says, "Oh, yeah? Take a look at this." He lifts the cow's tail and Harry sees that the cow has a snatch just like a woman.
Harry gets back in the car, turns to his wife and says, "It's just not fair. Here's this farmer with a cow that has a snatch like a woman and it's worth $5,000, and here I am, with you, with a snatch like a cow, and you're not worth ."

 

[moreluck]

“At first no one believed Edison when he said he'd made an electric bulb. They dismissed it as a filament of his imagination.”

 

[moreluck]

President Trump should nominate Hillary Clinton for the next opening on the supreme court. Then he can finally get her investigated.

 

[moreluck]

When a woman in my office became engaged, a colleague offered her some advice. "The first seven years are the hardest," she said.
"How long have you been married?" I asked.
"Seven years," she replied.

 

[moreluck]

An infectious disease walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “We don’t serve infectious diseases here.”
The infectious disease says, “Well, you’re not a very good host.”

 

[moreluck]

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
The other replied, "It makes sense, don't you think? After all I married the wrong man."

 

[Jkloc420]

what did the cow say to the truck driver

moooooooo over

bahaaaaa

 

[moreluck]

Did you hear about the big power outage last week that hit New York City’s Theater District ?
It was a real show stopper!

 

[moreluck]

What's the difference between a dog barking on the front porch and an angry spouse yelling on the back porch?
The dog quits barking once back inside.

 

[moreluck]

Doctors at a hospital in Brooklyn, New York have gone on strike.
Hospital officials say they will find out what the doctors' demands are as soon as they can get a pharmacist over there to read the picket signs!

 

[moreluck]

I got fired from my job as a taxi driver...
It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.

 

[moreluck]

Two women archaeologists are down in Mexico excavating an ancient Mayan burial ground looking for some remains to take back to their museum.
Unfortunately, everything they run across is badly decomposed. One of the two says, "We don't seem to be having much luck."
The other replies, "Keep on digging, honey, a good Mayan is hard to find!"

 

[moreluck]

I meet a lot of strippers, and they always say the same thing: Im paying my way through medical school. Now, if thats the truth, why is that you never meet a doctor that used to be a stripper? Youd think theyd be everywhere.

 

[moreluck]

Becoming thirsty at exercise class, Reverend Spooner drank chai tea during tai chi.

 

[moreluck]

For all those men who say "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"......Here's an update for you. Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig, just to get a little sausage...….

 

[moreluck]

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.
"Yes, Sir." the new recruit replied.
"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you.

 

[moreluck]

Droughts are because God didn't pay his water bill.

Is "tired old cliche" one?

if you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.

Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what for?"

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.

I Xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.

 

[moreluck]

Old man walks up and says, "For sixty years I've been trying to figure out why we vote in November. Finally found the answer this year."
"Why's that?"
"Better selection of turkeys!"

 

[moreluck]

Im watching some television tonight. Im watching The Discovery Channel. You know, this channel, you never ever plan on watching this. It just happens. Youre flickin' around, all of a sudden -- boom -- youre watching a mole for an hour-and-a-half.

 

[moreluck]

"Now this is the verbal part of your employment test," said the interviewer. "Can you tell me what gross aggrandized annuity means?"
"Certainly," replied the applicant. "It means I don't get the job."