One liners, short jokes, funny sayings, puns, etal

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A good pun is its own reword.

 

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Flying is plane fun!!

 

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If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.

 

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I once told a chemistry joke.....there was no reaction.

 

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I was going to make a joke about sodium and hydrogen but NaH !!

 

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Single-celled organisms have the oddest approach to math. They multiply by dividing.

 

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I heard on the news that hundreds of thousands of hogs died in China from some kind of swine flu. McDonalds brings back the McRib.....coincidence? I think not.

 

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Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender Missionary. I've baked them, I've roasted them, I've stewed them, I've tried every sort of marinade. I just can't seem to get them tender."
The second cannibal asks, "What kind of Missionary do you use?"
The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and they're sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads."
"Ah, ah!" the second cannibal replies. "No wonder...those are friars!"

 

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“If you are seeking spiritual renewal and new zeal land in Christchurch!”

 

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It had taken him several months, but the executive vice president had finally persuaded his new secretary to bend over the back of his leather couch and allow him to have sex with her that way.

"And just where have you been until this hour?" demanded his wife, when the wayward husband finally arrived home.

"Down at the office," he replied, "working like a dog."

 

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Question on second-grade math quiz: "Tony drank 1/6 of a glass of juice. Emily drank 1/4 of a glass of juice. Emily drank more. Explain."
My grandson’s answer: "She was more thirsty."

 

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How was Rome split in two?
With a pair of Ceasars.

 

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I cant seal the deal in my dreams. I hit on women in real life and theyre like, In your dreams. Im like, No. Not even there.

 

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"Two dead bodies were found inside a trunk this morning. Police are seeking the public's help, particularly in locating the rest of the elephant.”

 

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Some puns leave me numb...
But math puns make me even number!

 

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“The young meteorologist was embarrassed that he didn’t get the forecast for the tornado correct so he went into abasement to funnel his emotions.”

 

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It was four in the morning when Mr. Dartle's phone rang. The voice at the other end was pleasant and sweet. "I'm Mrs. Weber, and I would like to tell you that the refrigerator I bought in your store works like a charm."

Mr. Dartle said, "Thank you. But why call me about it at four in the morning?"

Mrs. Weber said, "Because they just delivered it!"

 

[moreluck]

Bobbie to neighbor: “What are you getting your children for Christmas?”
Neighbor: “Well, if my husband doesn’t stop staying out until three in the morning, I’ll give them a new dad.”

 

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“My buddies and I once got snowed in my cabin for days and played poker for feathers from an old duvet to pass the time. At least my friends were there when the chips were down.”

 

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I’m on a plane and the lunch choices are white meat chicken or German sausage. Unfortunately, I’m seated in the last row.

I’m hoping for the breast, but preparing for the wurst.