One liners, short jokes, funny sayings, puns, etal

[moreluck]

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

 

[moreluck]

Interviewer: What drives you?
Candidate: The bus mostly.
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
Candidate: Missing the bus!

 

[moreluck]

The famous sex therapist was on the radio taking questions when acaller asked, "Doctor, I want to know why men always want to marry a virgin?"
To which the doctor handily responded, "To avoid criticism."

 

[moreluck]

Ten Reasons Thanksgiving Dinner is Better than Sex......
10. You're sure to get at least one of your favorite dishes.
9. The turkey never suffers from modesty.
8. You can nibble before dinner even if mom sees you.
7. You are expected to pass the dishes around.
6. There are always at least two kinds of desert, with or without whipped cream.
5. They give you the day off WITH pay to have dinner.
4. Thanksgiving dinner is a "sure" thing.
3. Seconds are encouraged. Take home, too!!
2. You're expected to fall asleep after dinner.
1. You are EXPECTED to watch football BEFORE and AFTER dinner.

 

[moreluck]

To help me lose weight, my doctor recommends a glutton-free diet.”

 

[moreluck]

“Name of the Powerball lottery for dogs? From Wags To Riches!”

 

[moreluck]

A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods!

A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a God!

 

[moreluck]

Bill meets Doug shopping at the mall and sees he has a small gift wrapped box.
"It's my wife's birthday tomorrow." Doug said. "Last week I asked her what she wanted for her birthday."
"And???" Bill asked.
"Well, she said 'Oh, I don't know just give me something with diamonds in it'."
"So what did you get her?" asked Bill.
"I bought her a deck of cards!!"

 

[moreluck]

Three old ladies are sitting on a park bench when a flasher comes by and opens his trench coat right in front of them.
The first old lady has a stroke, the second old lady has a stroke, but the third old lady can't reach that far.

 

[moreluck]

Q. If pilgrims traveled on the Mayflower, what do college students travel on?

A. Scholar ships.

 

[moreluck]

Teacher: “Little Johnny, please spell the word 'pole'.”
Little Johnny: “P-O-L.”
Teacher: “But what is at the end of it?”
Little Johnny: “Electrical Wires, but I can’t spell that yet.”

 

[moreluck]

I was going to make a joke about sodium and hydrogen … but NaH

 

[moreluck]

 

[moreluck]

 

[moreluck]

 

[moreluck]

What do you call a broken can opener?

A can’t opener.

 

[moreluck]

Observing the baby one night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, scepticism.
Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband. "A penny for your thoughts," she said.
"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50."

 

[moreluck]

Me: "I think I have a crush on Beyoncé..."
Her: "Whatever floats your boat."
Me: "No, that’s buoyancy."

 

[moreluck]

Four priests in New York went golfing wearing typical "golfer" outfits. After a while, their caddy asked, "You guys wouldn't be priests by any chance?"
"Actually, yes, we are," one cleric replied. "How did you know?"
Easy," said the caddy, "I've never seen such bad golf and such clean language."

 

[moreluck]

“I owned two racetracks but I rented them to others. I was the lessor of two ovals.”