One liners, short jokes, funny sayings, puns, etal

[moreluck]

Went to the gym and there's a new machine.
I used it for an hour and felt sick.
Its good though, it does everything.
Kit Kats, Mars bars, Snickers, etc...

 

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Why are mountains so funny?

Because they are hill areas

 

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Think about it...
Even Popeye didn't eat his spinach until he absolutely had to!

 

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First man: "I hear the First National Bank is looking for a new teller."
Second man: "I thought they just hired a new teller last week."
First man: "Right, that's the one they're looking for."

 

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A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West.
He slides up to the bar and announces, ''I'm looking for the man who shot my paw!''

 

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"Armstrong," the boss said, "I happen to know that the reason you didn't come to work yesterday was that you were out playing golf."
"That's a rotten lie!" Armstrong protested. "And I have the fish to prove it!"

 

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After Sunday mass, I wished aloud a blessed afternoon for our priest. "Enjoy your time with the angels!"
"Oh, no," he said. "I'm a Dodgers fan!"

 

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Q: Why did the blonde quit her job as a restroom attendant?
A: She couldn't figure out how to refill the hand dryer!

 

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Me: I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present.
Cop: You ARE the lawyer.
Lawyer: So where’s my present?

 

[moreluck]

So many items are no longer made in America...
I just bought a new tv and the box said “built in antenna”...
I don’t even know where that is!

 

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A cement mixer and a prison bus crashed on the highway...
Police advise citizens to be on the lookout for a group of hardened criminals!

 

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Q: How did the blond burn her ear?
A: The phone rang while she was ironing.

 

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Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know, I get a little each month, but not enough to live on.”

 

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“My lawyer wants to represent Santa. He says if there is a Claus he will find a way to make money from it.”

 

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“When the manual clock manufacturer sold his business with the digital transition, it changed hands!”

 

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“When my wife asked me where the TV control was, I had to tell her that I did not have the remotest idea.”

 

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It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub.
It’s a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering.

 

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“The government ensures you're safe from exercising through the Fitness Protection Program.”

 

[moreluck]

Teacher: "Why are you late this morning?"
Student: "Its my alarm clock. Everyone got up except me!"
Teacher: How did the alarm clock make you the only one not to get up?"
Student: "There are eight of us in the my family and the alarm clock was only set for seven."

 

[moreluck]

One summer evening, a 3-year-old came in while his parents were setting the table for supper. Quite surprisingly, he asked if he could help. His mother said, "No, but I appreciate your asking."
The child responded, "Well, I appreciate your saying no."