One liners, short jokes, funny sayings, puns, etal

[moreluck]

The Priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night. Whispering firmly, the Priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of him!"
The dying man said nothing.
The priest repeated his order.
Still the man said nothing.
The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"
The dying man said, "Until I know for sure where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."

 

[moreluck]

A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses."
The woman answered "Well, I have contacts."
The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"

 

[moreluck]

As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane.

When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons. "Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" she asked.

"No, thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion."

 

[moreluck]

Her: What do you do?
Me: I race cars.
Her: Do you win many races?
Me: Not really, the cars are much faster.

 

[moreluck]

A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet GOD and asks GOD if he can ask him a few questions.

"Sure," GOD says, "Go right ahead".

"OK," the man says. "Why did you make women so pretty?"

GOD says, "So you would like them."

"OK," the guy says. "But how come you made them so beautiful?"

"So you would LOVE them", GOD replies.

The man ponders a moment and then asks, "But why did you make them such airheads?"

GOD says, "So they would love you!"

 

[moreluck]

The retired weaver liked to watch Star Trek and Lassie re-runs, dividing his leisure time between the warp and the woof.”

 

[moreluck]

 

[moreluck]

A man was walking down a street in Washington. A man walking behind him suddenly pulled out a gun and said, "Gimme all your money, now!"
The victim said, "You can't do this to me! I'm a Congressman!"
The robber thought for a moment, then said, "In that case, gimme all of MY money!"

 

[moreluck]

“The gymnast's feat of jumping on asymmetrical bars remains unparalleled!”

 

[moreluck]

Patient: Doctor I think I've been bitten by a vampire.
Doctor: Drink this water.
Patient: Will this make me feel better?
Doctor: No, but I'll be able to see leaks and know where the vampire bit you.

 

[moreluck]

A man walks into the psychiatrist’s office with a zucchini up his nose, a cucumber in his left ear, and a breadstick in his right ear.
He says, “Doctor, what is wrong with me?"
The psychiatrist replies, “You are not eating properly.”

 

[moreluck]

I entered my first marathon and finished first!
Two steps into it I stubbed my toe and finished, first.

 

[moreluck]

A cheetah and a lion are racing...
The cheetah wins...
The lion says, "You a cheetah!"
The cheetah replies, "Nah, you a lion!"

 

[moreluck]

Mom: "Little Johnny, why are you taking your ruler to bed with you?"
Little Johnny: "To see how long I sleep..."

 

[moreluck]

Sergeant: "Private, I think the enemy soldiers are hiding in the woods. I want you to go in there and flush them out for us."
Private: "Yes, sir! But if you see a bunch of guys running out the woods, don’t shoot the one in front, sir!"

 

[moreluck]

What's David Cameron's favourite Christmas song?
All I Want For Christmas is EU How did the ornament get addicted to Christmas?
He was hooked on trees his whole life What does the Grinch do with a baseball bat?
Hits a gnome and runs What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus

 

[moreluck]

Harlow was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to the hardware store. At the hardware store, Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Carl, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.
When Carl was finished, Mary asked how much for the teapot.
Carl replied, "That's silver and it costs $100!"
"My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Harlow had sent her to buy,and Carl went to the back room to find it.
From the back room Carl yelled, "Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?"
Mary replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."
This is why you can't send a woman to a hardware store.

 

[moreluck]

Matt's dad picked him up from school one afternoon. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part. Matt enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."
"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."

 

[moreluck]

“While its true I've been raking it in lately - when it comes to my neighbor's trees I wish they would just leaf me alone.”

 

[moreluck]

As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?"

The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped, "Didn't you get my E-mail?"


By Adam Sandler