Aloha From Hawaii!!

Discussion in 'FedEx Discussions' started by MrFedEx, Jan 1, 2014.

  1. MrFedEx

    MrFedEx Engorged Member

    Dear Team Members,

    Wow, it sure is nice here. Happy New Year from the Aloha State! Just wanted to touch base with the team and say that I was there with you in spirit over Peak as I lounged on the beach and had Dano rub me down with cocoa butter...yummy. Plus, he always had a nice cool drink with a cute little umbrella in it for me to maintain my extreme chill factor.

    I'll be back in Memphis soon, and I've got some great new ideas that will both add to your productivity and job satisfaction.
    1. No pay after 10 hours. If you cannot get your job done within this time frame, you work for free until you get all of your stops delivered. The 14-hour rule doesn't apply to FedEx...Mr. Smith is working on a special exemption like the wonderful RLA rule that protects you from unions.

    2. No more DEX 08s. If need be, you'll stand by at the recipient until they arrive to accept their precious package. If it's a residential, you need to try at least 10 neighbors before you return later to await their arrival home.

    3. All Amazon packages will be delivered first, and so will all Apple packages, all medical packages, and all vital packages. Is that clear?

    4. Effective immediately, all stations will start their sorts 30 minutes later. However, SPH goals and expectations will remain the same.

    5. When delivering Amazon packages, you must don white gloves and wrap the package with a purple bow, and then place a mint on top of the package before gently placing it on a bed of rose petals on the recipient's porch. All flower, bow, and mint costs will be the responsibility of the employee.

    6. The belts at all stations will be modified to go 60 mph, and any missed packages on the sort will result in the employee receiving an OLCC.

    7. If you get injured, you are terminated immediately so you can pursue new career opportunities.

    8. Each morning, employees will sing the company song, bow towards Memphis for 5 minutes, and then chant the mantra "Work harder, work faster" 100 times. This activity will be off-the-clock, but mandatory. At the end of the ceremony, all employees will file past a picture of Mr. Smith and touch it with great respect and reverence.

    9. Your new fuel allotment is 5 gallons per day. Any amount over and above 5 gallons is the responsibility of the employee. All normal wear and tear items such as tires, brakes, headlights, and windshield wipers are also the responsibility of the employee and these costs will be deducted from your weekly check.

    10. Effective immediately, your insurance deductibles will rise to $10,000 per person, and you will have a choice of one (1) doctor per state. All travel costs will be the responsibility of the employee and cannot interfere with work hours scheduled.

    11. Part-time employees must now work all hours as-directed by management. All school, other work, and child and/or elder care issues are secondary to the mission at FedEx.

    12. All corporate officers will receive a $1M bonus for outstanding leadership during Peak 2013 and shall receive another 100,000 stock options.

    I have so much more!! But Dano says it's time to cuddle and then we're off to the cabana for some hula lessons!! Aloha, Ground is Good, and Bravo Zulu!!

    Book Em' Dano!!

    Kona Matt
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  2. Route 66

    Route 66 Throbbing Member

  3. oldngray

    oldngray nowhere special

    Mele Kalikimaka
  4. moreluck

    moreluck golden ticket member

    Now I've got visions of Randy Quaid bouncing on the diving board, in a speedo........... UGH!!!
  5. moreluck

    moreluck golden ticket member

  6. MrFedEx

    MrFedEx Engorged Member

    I think Cousin Eddie would be the perfect Ground Driver.
  7. DontThrowPackages

    DontThrowPackages Well-Known Member

    Girl Drink Drunk??
  8. Goldilocks

    Goldilocks Well-Known Member

    Bravo zulu!!!!:likeit:
  9. Doc Sorting Dude

    Doc Sorting Dude Active Member

    Matt...speedo's ain't working. You're the reason why there's a mass exit from the beach you're at.
  10. hypo hanna

    hypo hanna Well-Known Member

    Wow uncle Matt, thank you for taking a break from your awsome well deserved vacation to address us lowly drivers. I know how hard you must work on your time off so its extra special to hear from you.

    I had a friend from Hawaii who told me the greatest thing to do out there is to swim with the sharks. The sharks in that part of the Pacific are extra friendly and you don't even need a shark cage! He said the thing to do is to bring a really fresh cow liver to attract them in really close for a picture! This is really important as they are kinda shy. If you want to attract a lot of sharks, you can pour buckets of cow blood in the water before you dive. Have fun!
  11. oldngray

    oldngray nowhere special

    I caught baby hammerhead sharks right off the pier. Babies are so cute!
  12. Goldilocks

    Goldilocks Well-Known Member

    Is it true you don't know how to swim?
  13. MrFedEx

    MrFedEx Engorged Member

    Hi Ho!!

    I went swimming with the sharks today and did they ever give my wiggle-waggle a thrill! I kept asking to be brought back up, but Dano was flirting with the captain, so I was down there a long time! Maybe I shouldn't have worn my purple and orange Speedo with the silver fringe!! Anyway, I waved my hands around a lot and started talking about SPH and the shark fell asleep and dropped to the ocean floor!! Maybe I'm divine or something!!

    Hunky Matt
  14. Mr. 7

    Mr. 7 The monkey on the left.

    Instead of talking about SPH, you could have mentioned what a great peak season it was only for the stock price. That certainly would have flabbergasted the shark and it would probably would have grown a set of legs and run out of the ocean.