Than he pulls out a third tupperware of grapefruit and cottage cheese. I stopped, looked at him and asked him when he applied did they check him for testicles?!
This will be a long peak with this kid!
Step one; take away his girly-man food the moment he gets on car with you, and toss it in the trash. Tupperware and plastic forks are forbidden.
Real UPS manly men eat finger food with their dirty hands, wipe the grease onto the customers package, and get back to work. Our burgers and sandwiches get set on the dashboard or shelf with no regard at all for the dirt and filth. Napkins? We dont have time for no stinking napkins, they just get blown out the door anyway.
Step two; buy him some real UPS driver food. Im talking a bag of pork rinds sliding around on the dash, a box of stale doughnuts on shelf 2, and a sack full of cold Egg Mcmuffins on shelf 4. Dont forget the Christmas cookies that your customers will hand out; those make a great survival meal at 7:15 at night when you have 50 stops left. By the end of the day the floor of your truck will be an ocean of sunflower seed shells, candy wrappers, and stepped-on Christmas candy. Real UPS manly-men are like Rambo....they eat food that will make a billy goat puke.
Step three; Get a huge thermos and fill it with
bad coffee. You dont want good coffee because its enjoyable to just sip it, and there is no time during peak for such girly-man foolishness. You want thick, strong, black, lukewarm nasty coffee that tastes so bitter and gritty that you just chug it down in one gulp to get the wicked caffeine buzz that both of you will need. As for cups...you dont need 'em. Real UPS manly men drink their coffee straight from the thermos and pass it between themselves like it was a bottle of Jack Daniels. We share our germs and wipe the grounds off our chins with a grimy sleeve and get back to work.
Step four; Make sure you have a few empty plastic, wide-mouth water bottles. For the coffee. Not to drink the coffee from, but to piss the coffee into. Real UPS manly men dont ask politely to use a customers restroom, they piss in a bottle and dump it in the customer's back yard. Or front yard. Or wherever. When you are a real UPS manly man, the world is your urinal.
Red, you have a golden oportunity to take this 26 yr old cottage-cheese eating girly-boy and make a MAN out of him. Dont disappoint us!