Jokes

[moreluck]

A dentist ran out of anaesthetic just before the last extraction for the day was scheduled.
He gave the nurse a very large needle, instructing her to jab it hard into the patient's butt when the signal was given, so it would take his attention away from the tooth extraction.
It all happened in an instant.
The nurse, patient, and pliers were in place. The signal was given, and the nurse bayoneted the patient with the needle just as the dentist yanked the tooth.
Afterwards, the dentist asked, "Hurt much?"
The patient hesitated, "Didn't hardly feel it come out....... And, man, those roots were really deep!"

 

[upsgrunt]

Being nervous, and embarrassed about my upcoming colonoscopy on a recommendation I decided to have it done while visiting friends in San Francisco, where the beautiful nurses are allegedly more gentle and accommodating.
As I lay naked on my side on the table, the gorgeous nurse began my procedure. "Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection," the nurse told me.
,
"I haven't got an erection," I replied "No, but I have," replied the nurse.
Don't get a colonoscopy in San Francisco...........

 

[moreluck]

What should you do if your round of golf is interrupted by a lightning storm?

Walk around holding your 1-iron above your head, because even God can't hit a 1-iron!

 

[moreluck]

You might be a redneck if...



Motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.

There are more dishes in your sink than in your cabinets.

You think a turtleneck is a key ingredient in soup.

You've ever stood in line to get your picture taken with a freak of nature.

Your anniversary present was getting the septic tank pumped.

Your local ambulance has a trailer hitch.

You watch cartoons long after your kids get bored.

You think the French Riviera is a foreign car.

You think you are an entrepreneur because of the "Dirt for Sale" sign in the front yard.

You're still scalping tickets after the concert is over.

 

[moreluck]

Top Ten Things Men SHOULDN'T say out loud at Victoria's Secret


10 Does this come in children's sizes?

9 No Thanks. Just Sniffing.

8 I'll be in the dressing room going blind.

7 Mom will love this.

6 Do you have this with a Dallas Cowboys Logo on it?

5 No need to wrap it up, I'll eat it here.

4 Will you model this for me???

3 Oh honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that!

2 45 bucks?? You're just gonna end up NAKED anyway!!

1 The Miracle What??? This is better than world peace!!

 

[phoophiter]

 

[moreluck]

 

[moreluck]

 

[moreluck]

A country preacher decided to skip services one Sunday to spend the day hiking in the wilderness. Rounding a sharp bend in the trail, he collided with a bear and was sent tumbling down a steep grade. He landed on a rock and broke both legs.
With the ferocious bear charging at him from a distance, the preacher prayed, "O Lord, I'm so sorry for skipping services today. Please forgive me and grant me just one wish--make a Christian out of that bear that's coming at me!"
At that very instant, the bear skidded to a halt, fell to his knees, clasped his paws together, and began to pray aloud at the preacher's feet: "Dear God, please bless this food I am about to receive."

 

[moreluck]

The following is a true story written by an educational psychologist and her experience on a plane.
On a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of the parent-education seminars I conduct as an educational psychologist.
The elderly woman sitting next to me explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten great-grandchildren in Boston.
Then she inquired what I did for a living.
I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free professional advice.
Instead she sat back, picked up a magazine and said, "If there's anything you want to know, just ask me."

 

[moreluck]

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."

 

[moreluck]

A very tall man walks into a bar, and a lady recognizes him as a basketball player. They start to talk, and eventually, go back to his place. They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt. On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK.
"What's that?" the lady questions.
"Oh, I have this so that when I'm on TV, people will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays me."
Then the man takes off his pants, and on his leg, he has a tattoo that says NIKE.
"What's that?" the lady questions again.
"Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid when this tattoo is seen on TV."
Then the man drops his underwear and on his willy he has a tattoo that says AIDS.
"You didn't tell me you had AIDS!" the lady screams.
"No, no! Calm down," the man replies. "This will say ADIDAS in a minute."

 

[moreluck]

an explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, "Oh God, I'm screwed."

There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: "No you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."

So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living crap out of the chief.
As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, God's voice booms out again: "Okay . . . NOW you're screwed."

 

[moreluck]

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.
Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!"

"So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

 

[moreluck]

 

[moreluck]

Two bees ran into each other. The first bee asked the other how things were going.
"Really bad," said the second bee. "The weather has been really wet and damp and there aren't any flowers or pollen, so I can't make any honey."
"No problem," said the first bee. "Just fly down five blocks and turn left. Keep going until you see all the cars. There's a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fruit."
"Thanks for the tip," said the second bee, and he flew away.
A few hours later, the two bees ran into each other again. The first bee asked, "How'd it go?""Great!" said the second bee. "It was everything you said it would be."
"Uh, what's that thing on your head?" asked the first bee.
"That's my yarmulke," said the second bee. "I didn't want them to think I was a wasp."

 

[moreluck]

 

[moreluck]

My friend, an intern, was given $50 to get the chairman of the bank some lunch. Told to get himself something, he bought a shirt.

 

[UpstateNYUPSer(Ret)]

My friend, an intern, was given $50 to get the chairman of the bank some lunch. Told to get himself something, he bought a shirt.

Wouldn't this be more of a life lesson than a joke?

 

[moreluck]

Wouldn't this be more of a life lesson than a joke?

shepherds have no sense of humor..........
people actually laugh after reading this, that's why it's in the Reader's Digest "All in a Day's Work"......funny stories.
Quit torturing yourself with reading.........a real glutton for punishment!!