U110, your situation reminds me of myself over 20 years ago. Being “old fashioned and traditional”, I kept going with my marriage, trying to make it work. Four years ago, my wife presented me with divorce papers. She already had other “plans” for her life; there was no changing her mind. At that time, between my 401k and teamster pension, I was well on track to retire in 9 more years if I wanted to. Fast forward to today: half my 401k is gone, a significant portion of my pension is spoken for, house and many other “material” things are gone, and alimony and child support cost me $1259 a month and my child support obligations run well into my 60’s. The possibility of retiring in 5 more years is completely nonexistent.
Don’t be “this” me. We all know that hindsight is “20/20”, but if I would have seen the “writing on the wall” during the first few years of our marriage, before kids, the losses: physically, emotionally, mentally, monetarily, ect, would have been insignificant compared to today.
Yes, there is more to the story than I can post here. And Yes, there are TWO sides to every story, but the enormous cost remains the same. Trying to hang on to a dysfunctional marriage, and delaying what was “inevitable” came with a staggering cost.
There has been some good advice here. I think TOS nails it best in post #26. Rainman, in post #63, has invaluable advice. Mine is just one of MANY possible outcomes if you choose to continue with your marriage. But you need to ask yourself if you are willing to accept this as a possible, and realistic, position you could find yourself in 15, 20 years down the road.
Very tough choices. Been there, done it, I get it. My choices came at a VERY high price. I hope that your choices -whatever they may be- will not.
Sometimes a the toughest decision involves undoing the toughest decision. Getting married is a tough thing to get through, but with love it gets easier. Getting divorced comes with no love, a lot of hate and dysfunction.
I appreciate your understanding of my underlying point.
Reflection isnt a good pill to swallow, but looking at something with a clear view when relevant makes a decision that much easier.
Nobody wants to talk someone out of their marriage, but we all know a person in this kind of situation. It matters not male or female, the circumstances are all the same.
A growing disconnect cannot be solved by prayer or fingers crossed.
My advice is based purely on a financial position. As you pointed out, the extreme cost to wait it out can take a huge bite out of your future.
If the poster and his wife are on a collision course with separation, better to be open about it now, discuss it frankly before either one invests any deeper.
As was pointed out, there is always someone out there looking for a hard working man or woman, someone who will greet them no matter what time it is or how upset they are, or where they work.
A team is a team until one of the players finds the M.E. in tEaM.
At that point, if there is an affair involved, or the begining of an affair, things will never recover.
A good sit down and open discussion is better than spending hours dealing with attorneys dividing possessions and your pension and salary somewhere down the road.
I feel bad for anyone stuck in this situation. We can all have that feel good moment where we tell them to stick it out and pray for the best, but this is 2015 and not 1950 anymore.
Times have changed and its too easy to get divorced and half the stuff.
Better to cut the losses early before the losses cut you into half a man.
TOS.
