M
moreluck
Guest
Peace!
Prosperity!
Happy New Year!
2002
Prosperity!
Happy New Year!
2002
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M
moreluck
Guest
Top Ten Signs You Bought a Lemon
10. Your tinted windows are also known as Hefty Garbage Bags.
9. The car reaches its top speed going downhill.
8. The hi-tech stereo system often requires a new phonograph
needle.
7. The rear-view mirror says, "Objects in Mirror Are Better Than
This
Piece of Junk."
6. The odometer is an abacus.
5. The radio station traffic reporter warns other drivers what
route
you're taking.
4. A sticker on the windshield says, "Batteries not included."
3. The emergency brake is an anchor.
2. You can only go to restaurants that offer Valet Pushing.
And, the number one sign you bought a lemon....
1. When you pass hitchhikers, they put their thumb down.
10. Your tinted windows are also known as Hefty Garbage Bags.
9. The car reaches its top speed going downhill.
8. The hi-tech stereo system often requires a new phonograph
needle.
7. The rear-view mirror says, "Objects in Mirror Are Better Than
This
Piece of Junk."
6. The odometer is an abacus.
5. The radio station traffic reporter warns other drivers what
route
you're taking.
4. A sticker on the windshield says, "Batteries not included."
3. The emergency brake is an anchor.
2. You can only go to restaurants that offer Valet Pushing.
And, the number one sign you bought a lemon....
1. When you pass hitchhikers, they put their thumb down.
M
moreluck
Guest
Gender Of Computers
A scientist had previously been a sailor. He was very aware
that ships were
addressed as "she" and "her". He often wondered what gender
computers should
be addressed as. To answer that question, he set up two
groups of computer
experts.
The first group was composed of women, and the second of
men. Each group was
asked to recommend whether computers should be referred to
in the feminine
gender, or the masculine gender. They were asked to give
four reasons for their
recommendations.
The group of women reported that computers should be
referred to in the
masculine gender because:
1.In order to get their attention you have to turn them
on.
2.The have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
3.They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half
the time they are
the problem themselves.
4.As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you
had waited a little
longer you could have had a better model.
The men, on the other hand, concluded that computers should
be referred to in
the feminine gender because:
1.No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2.The native language they use to communicate with other
computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else.
3.Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term
memory for later
retrieval.
4.As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find
yourself spending half
of your paycheck on accessories for it
A scientist had previously been a sailor. He was very aware
that ships were
addressed as "she" and "her". He often wondered what gender
computers should
be addressed as. To answer that question, he set up two
groups of computer
experts.
The first group was composed of women, and the second of
men. Each group was
asked to recommend whether computers should be referred to
in the feminine
gender, or the masculine gender. They were asked to give
four reasons for their
recommendations.
The group of women reported that computers should be
referred to in the
masculine gender because:
1.In order to get their attention you have to turn them
on.
2.The have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
3.They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half
the time they are
the problem themselves.
4.As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you
had waited a little
longer you could have had a better model.
The men, on the other hand, concluded that computers should
be referred to in
the feminine gender because:
1.No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2.The native language they use to communicate with other
computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else.
3.Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term
memory for later
retrieval.
4.As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find
yourself spending half
of your paycheck on accessories for it
M
moreluck
Guest
You Still Can't Take It With You
A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal
illness was
determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with
you."
After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser
finally
figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when
he
died.
He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough
money to
fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of
money to
the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan was
that
when he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his
way to heaven.
Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife, up
in the
attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed
with
cash. "Oh, that old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have
had me
put the money in the basement."
A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal
illness was
determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with
you."
After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser
finally
figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when
he
died.
He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough
money to
fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of
money to
the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan was
that
when he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his
way to heaven.
Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife, up
in the
attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed
with
cash. "Oh, that old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have
had me
put the money in the basement."
M
moreluck
Guest
Lucrative Profession
A Cardiologist came up with a new operating procedure that would
cut
down the time that heart surgery would take and would cause less
trauma to the patient. He was praised by his peers when he
presented
it at a convention in Washington D.C. He was also paid $50,000
to
present his find.
He did a couple more of these presentations and realized that it
would
be more lucrative to do lectures on his find than to work as a
surgeon.
So he decided to do the lectures full-time. He hired a driver
and
purchased a limousine.
One day, after he'd been doing the lecture circuit for about 6
months,
his driver turns to him and says, "You know.... This is
completely
unfair."
"What do you mean?" asks the surgeon.
"Well, you get paid $50,000 every time you do this lecture and
that's
more than I get paid in a year," replies the driver.
The surgeon explains to him that it is a very complicated
procedure and
that he is the only person that can give this lecture.
"That's not true. I can do your lecture blindfolded. I have seen
you do
your lecture so many times that I know it by heart," says the
driver.
"Well if that's the case, I'll tell you what. You do this
lecture and you
can keep the $50,000 if you do it right." replies the surgeon.
The driver replies, "Ok. You're on."
So when they arrive at the lecture hall, the surgeon and the
driver
change coats and the surgeon puts on the driver's hat and sits
in the
back of the room.
The driver nails the presentation. Not only that, he also
answers all the
questions without any problems. Just when the driver thinks he's
done,
an audience member, wearing a lab coat and tape covered glasses
stands up and asks a complex question that the driver is not
able to
answer.
"You know..." says the driver, "I have done this lecture 287
times and I
have never been asked such a stupid question. As a matter of
fact,
that question is SO stupid that I am going to let my driver
answer it."
A Cardiologist came up with a new operating procedure that would
cut
down the time that heart surgery would take and would cause less
trauma to the patient. He was praised by his peers when he
presented
it at a convention in Washington D.C. He was also paid $50,000
to
present his find.
He did a couple more of these presentations and realized that it
would
be more lucrative to do lectures on his find than to work as a
surgeon.
So he decided to do the lectures full-time. He hired a driver
and
purchased a limousine.
One day, after he'd been doing the lecture circuit for about 6
months,
his driver turns to him and says, "You know.... This is
completely
unfair."
"What do you mean?" asks the surgeon.
"Well, you get paid $50,000 every time you do this lecture and
that's
more than I get paid in a year," replies the driver.
The surgeon explains to him that it is a very complicated
procedure and
that he is the only person that can give this lecture.
"That's not true. I can do your lecture blindfolded. I have seen
you do
your lecture so many times that I know it by heart," says the
driver.
"Well if that's the case, I'll tell you what. You do this
lecture and you
can keep the $50,000 if you do it right." replies the surgeon.
The driver replies, "Ok. You're on."
So when they arrive at the lecture hall, the surgeon and the
driver
change coats and the surgeon puts on the driver's hat and sits
in the
back of the room.
The driver nails the presentation. Not only that, he also
answers all the
questions without any problems. Just when the driver thinks he's
done,
an audience member, wearing a lab coat and tape covered glasses
stands up and asks a complex question that the driver is not
able to
answer.
"You know..." says the driver, "I have done this lecture 287
times and I
have never been asked such a stupid question. As a matter of
fact,
that question is SO stupid that I am going to let my driver
answer it."
M
moreluck
Guest
The Military Way
One reason the Services have trouble operating jointly is that
they
don't speak the same language.
For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building,"
they
would turn off the lights and lock the doors.
Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter.
Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it
with
suppressive fire and close combat.
The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year
lease
with an option to buy.
One reason the Services have trouble operating jointly is that
they
don't speak the same language.
For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building,"
they
would turn off the lights and lock the doors.
Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter.
Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it
with
suppressive fire and close combat.
The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year
lease
with an option to buy.
M
moreluck
Guest
Why Dogs Can't Use Computers
10. He's distracted by cats chasing his mouse.
9. SIT and STAY were hard enough; CUT and PASTE are out of the
question.
8. Saliva-coated floppy disks refuse to work.
7. Three words: carpal paw syndrome.
6. Involuntary tail wagging is a dead give-away that he's
browsing
www.purina.com instead of working.
5. The fire hydrant icon is simply too frustrating.
4. He can't help attacking the screen when he hears "You've Got
Mail".
3. It's too messy to "mark" every Web site he visits.
2. The FETCH command isn't available on all platforms.
And the #1 reason dogs can't use computers...
He can't stick his head out of Windows.
10. He's distracted by cats chasing his mouse.
9. SIT and STAY were hard enough; CUT and PASTE are out of the
question.
8. Saliva-coated floppy disks refuse to work.
7. Three words: carpal paw syndrome.
6. Involuntary tail wagging is a dead give-away that he's
browsing
www.purina.com instead of working.
5. The fire hydrant icon is simply too frustrating.
4. He can't help attacking the screen when he hears "You've Got
Mail".
3. It's too messy to "mark" every Web site he visits.
2. The FETCH command isn't available on all platforms.
And the #1 reason dogs can't use computers...
He can't stick his head out of Windows.
M
moreluck
Guest
Due to an extremely bad transition from excite @home to cox@ home, I have been unable to use the internet for over a week and a half. Hopefully, all is well now. I hope you missed the jokes!!!
A man returns from a foreign holiday and is feeling very ill.
> He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the
> hospital to undergo tests.
>
> The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the
> hospital, and the phone by his bed rings.
>
> "This is your doctor. We've had the results back from your
> tests and we've found you have an extremely nasty STD called
> G.A.S.H. It's a combination of Gonorrhea, AIDS, Syphilis, and
> Herpes!"
>
> "Oh my gosh," cried the man, "What are you going to do,
> doctor?"
>
> "Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and
> pita bread."
>
> "Will that cure me???" asked the man.
>
> The doctor replied, "Well no, but... it's the only food we can
> get under the door."
>
>
A man returns from a foreign holiday and is feeling very ill.
> He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the
> hospital to undergo tests.
>
> The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the
> hospital, and the phone by his bed rings.
>
> "This is your doctor. We've had the results back from your
> tests and we've found you have an extremely nasty STD called
> G.A.S.H. It's a combination of Gonorrhea, AIDS, Syphilis, and
> Herpes!"
>
> "Oh my gosh," cried the man, "What are you going to do,
> doctor?"
>
> "Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and
> pita bread."
>
> "Will that cure me???" asked the man.
>
> The doctor replied, "Well no, but... it's the only food we can
> get under the door."
>
>
M
moreluck
Guest
Oversleeping
Tom had a problem with oversleepng and was always late for work.
His boss threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about
it. So
Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take
it
before he went to bed.
Tom slept very well, in fact, he woke up before the alarm went
off. He
had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.
"Boss," he said, "the pill actually worked!"
"That's great," said the boss, "but where were you yesterday?"
Tom had a problem with oversleepng and was always late for work.
His boss threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about
it. So
Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take
it
before he went to bed.
Tom slept very well, in fact, he woke up before the alarm went
off. He
had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.
"Boss," he said, "the pill actually worked!"
"That's great," said the boss, "but where were you yesterday?"
M
moreluck
Guest
Ten Commandments for "Working Hard"
1. Never walk without a document in your hands
People with documents in their hands look like hardworking
employees
heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their
hands look
like they're heading for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper
in their
hand look like they're heading for the toilet. Above all, make
sure you
carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the
false
impression that you work longer hours than you do.
2. Use computers to look busy
Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual
observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, chat and
generally
have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work.
These
aren't exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the
computer revolution would like to talk about but they're not bad
either.
When you get caught by your boss - and you *will* get caught --
your
best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new
software,
thus saving valuable training dollars.
3. Messy desk
Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of
us, it
looks like we're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of
documents
around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks
the
same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and
wide.
If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document
you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it
when
he/she arrives.
4. Voice Mail
Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call
you
just because they want to give you something for nothing - they
call
because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's no way to live.
Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a
voice mail
message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during
lunch hour when you know they're not there - it looks like you're
hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious
weasel.
5. Looking Impatient and Annoyed
According to George Costanza, one should also always try to look
impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you
are
always busy.
6. Leave the office late
Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still
around.
You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to
read but have no time until late before leaving. Make sure you
walk
past the boss' room on your way out. Send important emails at
unearthly hours (e.g. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc.) and during public
holidays.
7. Creative Sighing for Effect
Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the
impression
that you are under extreme pressure.
8. Stacking Strategy
It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots
of
books on the floor etc. (thick computer manuals are the best).
9. Build Vocabulary
Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon
and
new products. Use the phrases freely when in conversation with
bosses. Remember: They don't have to understand what you say, but
you sure sound impressive.
10. MOST IMPORTANT:
DON'T forward this to your boss by mistake!!!
1. Never walk without a document in your hands
People with documents in their hands look like hardworking
employees
heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their
hands look
like they're heading for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper
in their
hand look like they're heading for the toilet. Above all, make
sure you
carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the
false
impression that you work longer hours than you do.
2. Use computers to look busy
Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual
observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, chat and
generally
have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work.
These
aren't exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the
computer revolution would like to talk about but they're not bad
either.
When you get caught by your boss - and you *will* get caught --
your
best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new
software,
thus saving valuable training dollars.
3. Messy desk
Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of
us, it
looks like we're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of
documents
around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks
the
same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and
wide.
If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document
you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it
when
he/she arrives.
4. Voice Mail
Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call
you
just because they want to give you something for nothing - they
call
because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's no way to live.
Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a
voice mail
message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during
lunch hour when you know they're not there - it looks like you're
hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious
weasel.
5. Looking Impatient and Annoyed
According to George Costanza, one should also always try to look
impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you
are
always busy.
6. Leave the office late
Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still
around.
You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to
read but have no time until late before leaving. Make sure you
walk
past the boss' room on your way out. Send important emails at
unearthly hours (e.g. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc.) and during public
holidays.
7. Creative Sighing for Effect
Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the
impression
that you are under extreme pressure.
8. Stacking Strategy
It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots
of
books on the floor etc. (thick computer manuals are the best).
9. Build Vocabulary
Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon
and
new products. Use the phrases freely when in conversation with
bosses. Remember: They don't have to understand what you say, but
you sure sound impressive.
10. MOST IMPORTANT:
DON'T forward this to your boss by mistake!!!
M
moreluck
Guest
Vice President
Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President at the
company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for
weeks
on end.
Finally she couldn't take it any longer, and told him, "Listen,
it means
nothing, they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery
store!"
"Really?" he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided
to call
the grocery store.
A clerk answers and Tom says, "Can I please talk to the Vice
President
of peas?"
The clerk replies, "Canned or frozen?"
Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President at the
company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for
weeks
on end.
Finally she couldn't take it any longer, and told him, "Listen,
it means
nothing, they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery
store!"
"Really?" he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided
to call
the grocery store.
A clerk answers and Tom says, "Can I please talk to the Vice
President
of peas?"
The clerk replies, "Canned or frozen?"
M
moreluck
Guest
A man is driving down a road. A woman is driving down the same road from
the opposite direction.
As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and yells "PIG!!"
The man immediately leans out his window and yells, "<FONT COLOR="ff0000"></FONT>!!"
They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next curve he
crashes into a huge pig in the middle of the road.
If only men would listen.
the opposite direction.
As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and yells "PIG!!"
The man immediately leans out his window and yells, "<FONT COLOR="ff0000"></FONT>!!"
They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next curve he
crashes into a huge pig in the middle of the road.
If only men would listen.
M
moreluck
Guest
> > >Aging Mildred was a 93 year old woman who was particularly despondent
> over
> > >the recent death of her husband, Earl. She decided that she would just
> > >kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to
> get
> > >it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the
> > >decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in
> the
> > >first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable
> and
> > >burden someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just
> > >exactly
> > >where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, "Your heart would
> be
> > >just below your left breast."
> > >
> > >Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot
> wound
> > >to her knee.
> over
> > >the recent death of her husband, Earl. She decided that she would just
> > >kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to
> get
> > >it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the
> > >decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in
> the
> > >first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable
> and
> > >burden someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just
> > >exactly
> > >where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, "Your heart would
> be
> > >just below your left breast."
> > >
> > >Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot
> wound
> > >to her knee.
M
moreluck
Guest
The Mechanic and the Surgeon
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a
Harley,
when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his shop.
The heart surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come
take a
look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey
Doc
can I ask you a question?"
The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic
working on the motor cycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped
his
hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I also
can open
hearts, take valves out, fix 'em, put in new parts and when I
finish this
will work just like a new one. So how come I get a pittance and
you get
the really big money when you and I are doing basically the same
work?"
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the
mechanic... "Try doing it with the engine running!"
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a
Harley,
when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his shop.
The heart surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come
take a
look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey
Doc
can I ask you a question?"
The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic
working on the motor cycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped
his
hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I also
can open
hearts, take valves out, fix 'em, put in new parts and when I
finish this
will work just like a new one. So how come I get a pittance and
you get
the really big money when you and I are doing basically the same
work?"
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the
mechanic... "Try doing it with the engine running!"
L
legs
Guest
A man comes home to find his 55 year old wife jumping up and down on the bed.
"What are you doing?" he asked
"I went to the doctor today and he said that I have the breasts of an 18 year old." she giggled
"What did the doctor say about your 55 year old ass?"
"Your name never came up"
"What are you doing?" he asked
"I went to the doctor today and he said that I have the breasts of an 18 year old." she giggled
"What did the doctor say about your 55 year old ass?"
"Your name never came up"
M
moreluck
Guest
> A glimpse of the world . . .
> >
> > If we could shrink the earth's population to a village
> >
> > of precisely 100 people, with all the existing human
> >
> > ratios remaining the same, it would look something like
> >
> > the following:
> >
> >
> >
> > There would be:
> >
> >
> >
> > 57 Asians
> >
> > 21 Europeans
> >
> > 14 from the Western Hemisphere, both north and south
> >
> > 8 Africans
> >
> >
> >
> > 52 would be female
> >
> > 48 would be male
> >
> >
> >
> > 70 would be non_white
> >
> > 30 would be white
> >
> >
> >
> > 70 would be non-Christian
> >
> > 30 would be Christian
> >
> >
> >
> > 89 would be heterosexual
> >
> > 11 would be homosexual
> >
> >
> >
> > 6 people would possess 59% of the entire world's
> >
> > wealth and all 6 would be from the United States.
> >
> >
> >
> > 80 would live in substandard housing,70 would be unable
> >
> > to read
> >
> >
> >
> > 50 would suffer from malnutrition 1 would be near
> >
> > death; 1 would be near birth
> >
> >
> >
> > 1 (yes, only 1) would have a college education
> >
> >
> >
> > 1 would own a computer
> >
> >
> >
> > When one considers our world from such a compressed
> >
> > perspective, the need for acceptance, understanding and
> >
> > education becomes glaringly apparent. The following is
> >
> > also something to ponder...
> >
> >
> >
> > If you woke up this morning with more health than
> >
> > illness... you are more blessed than the million who
> >
> > will not survive this week.
> >
> >
> >
> > If you have never experienced the danger of battle,
> >
> > the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture,
> >
> > or the pangs of starvation ...you are ahead of 500
> >
> > million people in the world.
> >
> >
> >
> > If you can attend a church meeting without fear of
> >
> > harassment, arrest, torture, or death...you are more
> >
> > blessed than three billion people in the world.
> >
> >
> >
> > If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your
> >
> > back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep...you are
> >
> > richer than 75% of this world.
> >
> >
> >
> > If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and
> >
> > spare change in a dish someplace ... you are among the
> >
> > top 8% of the worlds wealthy.
> >
> >
> >
> > If your parents are still alive and still married, you
> >
> > are very rare.
> >
> >
> >
> > If you can read this message, you just received a
> >
> > double blessing in that someone was thinking of you,
> >
> > and furthermore, you are more blessed than over two
> >
> > billion people in the world that cannot read at all.
>
> >
> > If we could shrink the earth's population to a village
> >
> > of precisely 100 people, with all the existing human
> >
> > ratios remaining the same, it would look something like
> >
> > the following:
> >
> >
> >
> > There would be:
> >
> >
> >
> > 57 Asians
> >
> > 21 Europeans
> >
> > 14 from the Western Hemisphere, both north and south
> >
> > 8 Africans
> >
> >
> >
> > 52 would be female
> >
> > 48 would be male
> >
> >
> >
> > 70 would be non_white
> >
> > 30 would be white
> >
> >
> >
> > 70 would be non-Christian
> >
> > 30 would be Christian
> >
> >
> >
> > 89 would be heterosexual
> >
> > 11 would be homosexual
> >
> >
> >
> > 6 people would possess 59% of the entire world's
> >
> > wealth and all 6 would be from the United States.
> >
> >
> >
> > 80 would live in substandard housing,70 would be unable
> >
> > to read
> >
> >
> >
> > 50 would suffer from malnutrition 1 would be near
> >
> > death; 1 would be near birth
> >
> >
> >
> > 1 (yes, only 1) would have a college education
> >
> >
> >
> > 1 would own a computer
> >
> >
> >
> > When one considers our world from such a compressed
> >
> > perspective, the need for acceptance, understanding and
> >
> > education becomes glaringly apparent. The following is
> >
> > also something to ponder...
> >
> >
> >
> > If you woke up this morning with more health than
> >
> > illness... you are more blessed than the million who
> >
> > will not survive this week.
> >
> >
> >
> > If you have never experienced the danger of battle,
> >
> > the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture,
> >
> > or the pangs of starvation ...you are ahead of 500
> >
> > million people in the world.
> >
> >
> >
> > If you can attend a church meeting without fear of
> >
> > harassment, arrest, torture, or death...you are more
> >
> > blessed than three billion people in the world.
> >
> >
> >
> > If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your
> >
> > back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep...you are
> >
> > richer than 75% of this world.
> >
> >
> >
> > If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and
> >
> > spare change in a dish someplace ... you are among the
> >
> > top 8% of the worlds wealthy.
> >
> >
> >
> > If your parents are still alive and still married, you
> >
> > are very rare.
> >
> >
> >
> > If you can read this message, you just received a
> >
> > double blessing in that someone was thinking of you,
> >
> > and furthermore, you are more blessed than over two
> >
> > billion people in the world that cannot read at all.
>
M
moreluck
Guest
DEALING WITH STRESS......
Life is more pleasant when we don't let stresses get us down.
Remember, when someone annoys you, it takes a full 42 muscles in your face to frown.
BUT it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and smack the son-of-a-gun up side the head.
Life is more pleasant when we don't let stresses get us down.
Remember, when someone annoys you, it takes a full 42 muscles in your face to frown.
BUT it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and smack the son-of-a-gun up side the head.
M
moreluck
Guest
FIXING THE CAR..........
An auto mechanic received a repair order that said to check for a
clunking noise when going around corners.
He took the car out for a test drive and made two right turns, each
time hearing a loud clunk.
Back at the shop, he returned the car to the service manager with this
note: "Removed bowling ball from trunk."
An auto mechanic received a repair order that said to check for a
clunking noise when going around corners.
He took the car out for a test drive and made two right turns, each
time hearing a loud clunk.
Back at the shop, he returned the car to the service manager with this
note: "Removed bowling ball from trunk."
M
moreluck
Guest
> > THE SILENT TREATMENT
> > >
> > > A man and his wife were having some problems at home and
> > > were giving each
> > > other the silent treatment. The next week, the man
> > > realized that he would
> > > need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early
> > > morning business flight to
> > > Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the
> > > silence (AND LOSE), he
> > > wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM."
> > > The next morning the
> > > man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and that he
> > > had missed his
> > > flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his
> > > wife hadn't woken him
> > > when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper
> > > said, "It is 5:00
> > > AM. Wake up."
> > >
> > > (MEN JUST AREN'T EQUIPPED FOR THESE SORTS OF CONTESTS...)
> >
>
> > >
> > > A man and his wife were having some problems at home and
> > > were giving each
> > > other the silent treatment. The next week, the man
> > > realized that he would
> > > need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early
> > > morning business flight to
> > > Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the
> > > silence (AND LOSE), he
> > > wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM."
> > > The next morning the
> > > man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and that he
> > > had missed his
> > > flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his
> > > wife hadn't woken him
> > > when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper
> > > said, "It is 5:00
> > > AM. Wake up."
> > >
> > > (MEN JUST AREN'T EQUIPPED FOR THESE SORTS OF CONTESTS...)
> >
>
M
moreluck
Guest
Mudpuddles & Dandelions.......
> >
> > When I look at a patch of dandelions, I see a bunch
> > of weeds that are going to take over my yard. My kids
> > see flowers for Mom and blowing white fluff you can
> > wish on.
> >
> > When I look at an old drunk and he smiles at me, I see
> > a smelly,dirty person who probably wants money and I
> > look away. My kids see someone smiling at them and
> > they smile back.
> >
> > When I hear music I love, I know I can't carry a tune
> > and don't have much rhythm so I sit self consciously
> > and listen. My kids feel the beat and move to it. They
> > sing out the words. If they don't know them, they make
> > up their own.
> >
> > When I feel wind on my face, I brace myself against
> > it. I feel it messing up my hair and pulling me back
> > when I walk. My kids close their eyes, spread their
> > arms and fly with it, until they fall to the ground
> > laughing.
> >
> > When I pray, I say thee and thou and grant me this,
> > give me that. My kids say, "Hi God! Thanks for my toys
> > and my friends. Please keep the bad dreams away
> > tonight. Sorry, I don't want to go to Heaven yet. I
> > would miss my Mommy and Daddy."
> >
> > When I see a mud puddle I step around it. I see muddy
> > shoes and dirty carpets. My kids sit in it. They see
> > dams to build, rivers to cross and worms to play with.
> >
> > I wonder if we are given kids to teach or to learn
> > from? No wonder God loves the little children!!
> >
> > "Enjoy the little things in life, for one day you may
> > look back and realize they were the big things."
> >
> > I wish you mud puddles and dandelions...
> >
> > When I look at a patch of dandelions, I see a bunch
> > of weeds that are going to take over my yard. My kids
> > see flowers for Mom and blowing white fluff you can
> > wish on.
> >
> > When I look at an old drunk and he smiles at me, I see
> > a smelly,dirty person who probably wants money and I
> > look away. My kids see someone smiling at them and
> > they smile back.
> >
> > When I hear music I love, I know I can't carry a tune
> > and don't have much rhythm so I sit self consciously
> > and listen. My kids feel the beat and move to it. They
> > sing out the words. If they don't know them, they make
> > up their own.
> >
> > When I feel wind on my face, I brace myself against
> > it. I feel it messing up my hair and pulling me back
> > when I walk. My kids close their eyes, spread their
> > arms and fly with it, until they fall to the ground
> > laughing.
> >
> > When I pray, I say thee and thou and grant me this,
> > give me that. My kids say, "Hi God! Thanks for my toys
> > and my friends. Please keep the bad dreams away
> > tonight. Sorry, I don't want to go to Heaven yet. I
> > would miss my Mommy and Daddy."
> >
> > When I see a mud puddle I step around it. I see muddy
> > shoes and dirty carpets. My kids sit in it. They see
> > dams to build, rivers to cross and worms to play with.
> >
> > I wonder if we are given kids to teach or to learn
> > from? No wonder God loves the little children!!
> >
> > "Enjoy the little things in life, for one day you may
> > look back and realize they were the big things."
> >
> > I wish you mud puddles and dandelions...
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