Heard Any Good Ones: Archive

[moreluck]

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly
funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years, whereby
the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pickup
trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal
accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash. They
were surprised to find in 44 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in
61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, S _ _ _!"

Only the states of West Virginia, Kentucky, Tennessee, Montana, Alabama,
Texas, Arkansas and Kansas were different, where over 89.3 percent of the
final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this."

 

[moreluck]

> Regarding job layoffs in the U.S.: Joe S started the day early
> having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6 a.m. While his
> coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his electric
> razor (MADE IN HONG KONG). He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI
> LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE)and tennis shoes (MADE IN
> KOREA).
>
> After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN
> INDIA) he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how
> much he could
> spend today. After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio
> (MADE IN INDIA) he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY) and continued
> his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB. At the end of yet
> another discouraging and fruitless day, Joe decided to relax for a
> while. He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL) poured himself a
> glass of wine
> (MADE IN FRANCE) and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA), and then
> wondered why he can't find a good paying job in.....AMERICA.

 

[moreluck]

> Dear Abby:
> My husband is a lying cheat. He tells me he loves me, but he has cheated
our entire marriage.
>
> He is a good provider and has many friends and supporters. They know he is
a lying cheat, but they
> just avoid the issue.
>
> He is a hard worker but many of his coworkers are leery of him.
>
> Every time he gets caught, he denies it all. Then he admits that he was
wrong and begs me to forgive
> him.
>
> This has been going on for so long, everyone knows he is a cheat.
>
> I don't know what to do.
>
> Signed,
> Frustrated
>
> -------------------------------------------
>
> Dear Frustrated:
>
> You should dump him. Now that you are finally a New York Senator, you
don't need him anymore
>
>

 

[michael]

And that is one thing that the government can NOT take from you ! hahahahaha

 

[moreluck]

Just received this from my broker. Normally I don't pass along stock
tips, but thought this explosive situation might prove to be another
"ENRON".

Please review any holdings you might have in the following stocks:

American Can
Interstate Water
National Gas Company
Northern Tissue Company

Due to uncertain market conditions, we advise you to:

Sit tight on your American Can,
Hold your Water, and
Let go of your Gas.

You may be interested to know that Northern Tissue touched a new bottom
today, and millions were wiped clean

 

[thedrooler]

Do you know why the Teamsters use a horse as a part of their logo?


Because its one of the few animals that can sleep standing up.

 

[moreluck]

Imagine. . . .
> >>
> >> There is a bank that credits your account each morning with
> >>$86,400.
> >>It carries over no balance from day to day. Every evening deletes
> >>whatever part of the balance you failed to use during the day. What
> >>would you do? Draw out ALL OF IT, of course!!!!
> >>
> >> Each of us has such a bank. Its name is TIME. Every morning, it
> >>credits you with 86,400 seconds. Every night it writes off, as
> >>lost, whatever of this you have failed to invest to good
> >>purpose. It carries over no balance. It allows no overdraft.
> >>
> >> Each day it opens a new account for you. Each night it burns the
> >>remains of the day.
> >>If you fail to use the day's deposits, the loss is yours.
> >>
> >> There is no going back. There is no drawing against the
> >>"tomorrow."
> >>You must live in the present on today's deposits. Invest it so as
> >>to get from it the
> >>utmost in health, happiness, and success!
> >>The clock is running. Make the most of today.
> >>
> >> To realize the value of ONE YEAR,
> >>ask a student who failed a grade.
> >>
> >> To realize the value of ONE MONTH,
> >>ask a mother who gave birth to a premature
> >>baby.
> >>
> >> To realize the value of ONE WEEK,
> >>ask the editor of a weekly newspaper.
> >>
> >> To realize the ! value of ONE HOUR,
> >>ask the lovers who! are waiting to meet.
> >>
> >> To realize the value of ONE MINUTE,
> >>ask a person who missed the train.
> >>
> >> To realize the value of ONE-SECOND,
> >>ask a person who just avoided an accident.
> >>
> >> To realize the value of ONE MILLISECOND,
> >>ask the person who won a silver medal in the
> >>Olympics.
> >>
> >> Treasure every moment that you have! And
> >>treasure it more because you shared it with
> >>someone special, special enough to spend your
> >>time.
> >>
> >> And remember that time waits for no one.
> >>Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery.
> >>Today is a gift. That's why it's called the
> >>present!!!
> >>
> >> Friends are a very rare jewel, indeed.
> >>They make you smile and encourage you to
> >>succeed. They lend an ear, they share a word
> >>of praise, and they always want to open their
> >>heart to us.
> >>
> >>

 

[thedrooler]

Michael

Get a haircut!

TheDrooler

 

[bendrivin]

THINGS THAT PISS OFF THE UPSMAN
1.NO, I HAVE NO FRIGGIN IDEA WHAT IT IS, IF I HAD TIME TO OPEN IT YOU MAY NOT HAVE GOT IT!
2.NO IT'S NOT HEAVY, I ALWAYS TURN RED AND STRAIN LIKE THIS WHEN IM WAITING FOR YOU TO DECIDE WHERE THE HELL YOU WANT YOUR CRAP!
3.YES THE CAT IS CUTE, I REALLY LIKE THE WAY SHE HAS SUNK HER CLAWS INTO MY FLESH TO SHOW SHE LIKES ME.
4. YES I KNOW THEY ARE SWEET KIDS, I COULD TELL BY THE WAY THEY WERE PEPPERING MY TRUCK AND ME WITH SNOW BALLS.
5.WOW, THAT TEDDY REALY SHOWS OFF YOUR 350LBS.
6.NO MAM IM SORRY YOU ARE NAKED BUT I CANT WAIT A FEW MINUTES, ITS OK I'M A PROFESIONAL(UNLESS YOU ARE THE BEFORE MENTIONED 350LB LADY).
7.SURE I DONT MIND WAITING 10 MINUTES WHILE YOU GOOF OFF BEFORE WRITING A CHECK FOR THE COD YOU KNEW WAS COMING DAYS AGO, HELL I GOT ALL DAY, HELL I GOT NO LIFE OR FAMILY OR ANYTHING.
8.HEY HOW ABOUT WE ALL PARK OUR CARS IN THE STREET AND LEAVE OUR BEAUTIFUL DRIVEWAYS CLEAR SO WE CAN ADMIRE THEM, WHO CARES THAT WE ARE BLOCKIN THE WHOLE DAMN STREET.
9.WOW! THAT WAS A SLICK DRIVING MOVE!YOU KNOW SOME PEOPLE ACTUALY STOP AT SIGNS AND RED LIGHTS BUT I GUESS YOU HAVE MOVED BEYOND THE REST OF US.
9B. HEY PEOPLE WITH AN I.Q. OF A POSSUM'S ASS CAN GET A DRIVERS LISCENSE NOW, THATS A STEP UP!
9C. I APOLOGIZE TO ALL POSSUM ASSES OUT THERE IF I INSULTED YOU AND YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.
10.YES LADY I KNOW THE DOG DON'T BITE AND IS A WONDERFUL DOG, BUT DO YOU THINK I COULD BORROW A RAG OR SOMETHING TO STOP THE BLEEDING.





FRIENDS DONT LET FRIENDS BE A UPSMAN.

 

[moreluck]

You ever hear the story about the two borthers, optimist and pessimist?...
One is the happiest child the world. The other, the saddest. Parents are desperate. Want little optimist to understand reality and little pessimist to lighten up. A psychiatrist suggests putting each in his own room; little pessimist with all the toys he ever wanted and little optimist with ten tons of horse manure. Teach each of them that things are never as bad, or as good as they think Parents do it. Five hours later, they check on the boys. Little pessimist is crying. Parents ask him why. He says he's played with all the toys and he's bored. In the other room, little optimist is singing at the top of his lungs, digging in the manure as fast as he can. Parents ask the child what he's so happy about. He replies, "With all this , there must be a pony in here somewhere."

 

[moreluck]

> "Performance Evaluations"
> >
> > These useful quotes are from actual federal employee
> > performance evaluations:
> >
> > 1. Since my last report, this employee has reached
> > rock bottom and has started to dig.
> >
> > 2. I would not allow this employee to breed.
> >
> > 3. This employee is really not so much of a has-been
> > but more of a definite won't-be.
> >
> > 4. Works well when under constant supervision and
> > cornered like a rat in a trap.
> >
> > 5. When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only
> > to change feet.
> >
> > 6. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
> >
> > 7. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
> >
> > 8. He sets low personal standards and then consistently
> > fails to achieve them.
> >
> > 9. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of
> > an idiot.
> >
> > 10. This employee should go far, and the sooner he
> > starts, the better.
> >
> > 11. Got a full six-pack but lacks the plastic thing to
> > hold it all together.
> >
> > 12. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an
> > ordinary ignoramus.
> >
> > 13. He does not have ulcers, but he is a carrier.
> >
> > 14. I would like to go hunting with him sometime.
> >
> > 15. He has been working with glue too much.
> >
> > 16. He would argue with a signpost.
> >
> > 17. He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves
> > the room.
> >
> > 18. When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.
> >
> > 19. If you see two people talking, and one looks
> > bored, he is the other one.
> >
> > 20. A photographic memory but with the lens
> > covered glued on.
> >
> > 21. A prime candidate for natural de-selection.
> >
> > 22. Donated his brain to science before he was
> > done using it.
> >
> > 23. Gates are down, the lights are flashing but
> > the train is not coming.
> >
> > 24. Has two brains: one is lost and the other is
> > out looking for it.
> >
> > 25. If he were any more stupid, he would have
> > to be watered twice a week.
> >
> > 26. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you
> > would get change.
> >
> > 27. If you stand close enough to him, you can
> > hear the ocean.
> >
> > 28. It is hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000
> > other sperm.
> >
> > 29. One neuron short of a synapse.
> >
> > 30. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge;
> > he only gargled.
> >
> > 31. Takes him two hours to watch 60 Minutes.
> >
> > 32. The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
> >
>
>

 

[moreluck]

> My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make you
> happy tonight."
> He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the
> doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> "It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of
> the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed
> the lawn like this?"
> "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Q: What must a woman do when a man is running around in circles?
> A: Reload and continue shooting.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Q: Why can't men get Mad Cow Disease?
> A: Because it only attacks the brain.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
> A: A rumor.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Q: A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the
> happiest woman in the world"
> A: The woman says, "I'll miss you."
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Q: What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain?
> A: Shoot him again.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Q. Why does it take 100,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
> A. Because not one will stop and ask directions.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Q. Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
> A. Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Q. How does a man keep his youth?
> A. By giving her money, diamonds and furs.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Q. How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
> A. Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"
> ---------------------------------
>
>

 

[michael]

For Sale

 

[vgpa]

LOL, this is true

 

[moreluck]

> Acts 2:38

> An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church
>services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act
>of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!" (Repent
>and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be
>forgiven.) The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the
>police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to
>take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the
>old lady did was yell a scripture to you."
> "Scripture?" replied the burglar.
> "She said she had an axe and two 38's!"
>
> > > > > **************
> 17th Chapter of Mark
> At the end of the service the minister said "next Sunday I am going to
>preach on the subject of liars. And in this connection, as a preparation for
>my discourse, I would like you all to read the seventeenth chapter of Mark."
> On the following Sunday, the preacher rose to begin, andsaid, "Now, then,
>all of you who have done as I requested and read the seventeenth chapter of
>Mark, please raise your hands." Nearly every hand in the congregation went
>up.
> Then said the preacher, "You are the people I want to talk to. There is no
>seventeenth chapter of Mark."
>
> > > > > ***********
> Getting Better
> A little girl was sitting next to her grandfather as he read her a bedtime
>story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up
>and touch his wrinkled cheek. She touched her own cheek after she touched
>his.
> After a little while of thinking she asked,
> "Grandpa, did God make you?"
> He looked at her and said, "Yes, sweetheart God made me a
> long time ago."
> She paused for a few seconds and then asked,
> "Grandpa, did God make me too?"
> He replied, "Yes, indeed pumpkin, God made you just a
> little while ago."
> Feeling their respective faces again, she whispered to him,
> "God's getting better at it, isn't he?"
>

 

[moreluck]

> The Madam opened the brothel door to see a rather
> slick looking, well-dressed, just past middle-age gentleman.
> "Can I help you?" the madam asked.
> "I want to see Natalie," the old man replied.
>
> "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies,
> perhaps someone else
> ..."
> "No, I must see Natalie."
> Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the
> man that she charges $1,000 per visit. Without
> blinking, the man reached into his pocket and handed
> her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an
> hour, whereupon the mancalmly left.
>
> The next night he appeared again demanding to see
> Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever
> come back two nights in a row and that there were no
> discounts...it was still $1,000 a visit.
>
> Again the man took out the money, the two went up
> to the room, and an hour later, he left.
>
> When he showed up the third consecutive night, no
> one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the
> money and up to the room they went. At the end
> of the hour Natalie questioned the man: "No one
> has ever used my services three nights in a roll.
> Where are you from?"
>
> The old man replied, "I'm from Philadelphia."
> "Really?" replied Natalie. "I have family who
> lives there."
>
> "Yes, I know," said the old man. "Your father
> died, and I'm your sister's attorney. She asked me
> to give you your $3,000 inheritance."
>
> Moral: Some things in life are certain:
> taxes, death, and being screwed by an attorney.
>

 

[moreluck]

> I was going to bed the other night when my wife
> told me that I had left the light on in the shed.
> She could see from the bedroom window. As
> I looked for myself, I saw that there were people
> in the shed taking things.
>
> I phoned the police, but they told me that no one
> was in this area to help at this time, but they
> would send someone over as soon as they were
> available.
>
> I said OK, hung up, and waited one minute, then
> phoned the police back. "Hello. I just called you
> a minute ago because there were people in my
> shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them
> now cause I've shot them all."
>
> Within five minutes there were half a dozen police
> cars in the area, an Armed Response unit, the
> works. Of course, they caught the burglars red-
> handed. One of the officers said: "I thought you
> said that you'd shot them!"
>
> I replied with, "I thought you said there was
> nobody available!"

 

[donaldd]

Subject: The World's Smartest Woman

An airplane was about to crash, and there were 5 passengers left but only 4 parachutes.
The first passenger, Hillary Clinton, said, "I am the wife of theformer President of the United States, and a New York Senator,
and I am the smartest woman in the world."

So she takes the first parachute, and jumps out of the plane.

The second passenger, said, "I'm Antoine Walker, one of the best NBA Basketball players, and the Boston Celtics need me, so I can't afford to die."
So he takes the second parachute, and leaves the plane.

The third passenger, passenger, George W. Bush said, "I am President of the United States, and I have a great responsibility, being the leader of
nearly 300 million people, and a superpower, etc.".So he takes the third parachute and exits the plane.

The fourth passenger, the Old Man says to the fifth passenger, a 10 year old boy scout,
"I am old and frail and I don't have many years left, so as a Christian gesture and a good deed,
I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute.

The boy scout said, "It's OK, there's a parachute left for you.
The world's smartest woman took my back pack.

 

[moreluck]

THINGS YOU'D NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN AMERICAN SAY
I thought Graceland was tacky.
No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe.
Do you think my hair is too big?
Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
The tires on that truck are too big.
I've got it all on a floppy disk.
Do you think this ball cap goes with this shirt?
Damned if that polititian ain't honest!
We're vegetarians.
I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
You can't feed that to the dog.
Trim the fat off that steak.
I just love the Opera
Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
Wrasslin's fake.

 

[moreluck]

RULES TO LIVE BY....

1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

> > 2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

> > 3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a

> > garage makes you a mechanic.

> > 4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

> > 5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried

> > before.

> > 6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

> > 7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

> > 8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

> > 9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

> > 10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

> > 11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

> > 12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

> > 13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

> > 14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

> > 15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

> > 16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

> > 17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist

> > change places.

> > 18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

> > 19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks

> > before

> > you need it.

> > 20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

> > 21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a

mistake

> >

> > when you make it again.

> > 22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

> > 23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

> > 24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real

> > world.

> >

>