Heard Any Good Ones: Archive

[vic]

50 Ways To Annoy Osama bin Laden...

Fifty Ways To Annoy Osama bin Laden If You're Invited To A Dinner Party At His Secret Afghan Lair, by Alan Meiss

Point out the lice in his beard to make him feel self-conscious.
Pause for a moment, listen carefully, and say, "Doesn't that sound a lot like a B-52?"
Ask him if he's looking forward to replacing Hitler as Satan's favorite chew toy in the lowest inferno of Hell.
Tell him all about your great vacation to Saudi Arabia, where you went absolutely everywhere and did everything, just stomped all over the place.
Use his satellite phone to call the time and weather line in Buenos Aires and leave it off the hook.
Tell him how much less you paid for your Kalashnikov rifle.
Now that you know the address of his secret cave hideout, fill out magazine subscription cards for him for the Wine Spectator and Penthouse. But do not, under any circumstances, send him Popular Mechanics.
Order him ten Domino's pizzas with extra ham topping.
Correct him when he ends a sentence with a preposition.
Ask whether the Taliban gets cable, because you haven't seen "Sex and the City" for weeks.
Yank the end of his turban really hard to make him spin around like a top.
Switch all the CD's in the jewel boxes in his CD collection, so that when he reaches for Michael Bolton, he'll actually get the Oak Ridge Boys.
Mine his bathroom.
Use your dinner fork for your salad, and, if questioned by your host, mutter something about "spots".
Leave business cards for the Israeli Mossad in his Rolodex.
Take pictures of all his wives and post them on www.amihotornot.com.
Ask him if he wears boxers or briefs. Check. Take pictures. Again, post these on www.amihotornot.com.
Give him a Hot Chicks of Palestine calendar.
Ask him if Paradise is different for each person, and whether in your own paradise you'll get to, "kick his ass every day for eternity."
Reset his VCR and leave it blinking 12:00.
Refer to him as "Osama-osama-fee-fi-fo-fama bin Laden."
Ask whether suicide bombers have to pay union dues.
Tell him it's lovely what he's done with his cave, but that it'd look much nicer covered with huge, smoking craters.
At dinner, imply that the Northern Alliance has much prettier place settings.
Claim you once saw him at a Hooter's in Muncie wearing a yarmulke.
Ask him if he wouldn't mind if you opened the door and shined your laser pointer on his forehead for a few minutes.
Tell him that this is the worst pajama party you've ever attended.
Ask for some pork rinds and a good brew to wash them down.
Mix up his Rubik's Cube.
Ask him if he provides his employees with a 401K plan.
Compliment him on all his poppies outside, but mention that a few day lilies would be a nice accent.
Run your finger along his credenza, and say, "tsk, tsk" if there's dust.
Ask whether the Taliban is hoping to be bombed ahead into the Stone Age, or perhaps the Iron Age if enough shell casings survive.
Explain that America is a land of freedom and opportunity, filled with people of every race, religion, and background, including millions of women strong enough to knock the crap out of him.
Claim that they serve much better falafel at the public executions in Sudan.
Ask him if he's pursuing the Lesser Jihad, the Greater Jihad, or the "Completely Whacked Out of his Freaking Gourd" Jihad.
Swirl your drink thoughtfully and mention, "Just think, in a few weeks you might fit in this glass!"
Check to see if Saddam is on his speed-dial list.
They have to wait a few years to see current television shows in Afghanistan, so give away the secret of who's having a baby on "Friends."
Warn him that you're "in a New York state of mind."
Mention that his wives look quite fetching in their burkas, and ask whether they've ever thought of modeling.
Ask him, "Say, where do you keep all those Stinger missiles?" just in case he'll be caught off guard and answer correctly.
Give him a "noogie" or a "wedgie." If there's actually still a flush toilet left in Afghanistan, give him a "swirlie".*
Ask to borrow his hedge trimmer and never give it back.
Play a game of Monopoly with him. Make him play the thimble. See if he charges interest. Claim that his properties are your "holy lands" and blow up his hotels.
Fish out the secret toy surprises in all his cereal boxes.
Offer to take him "clubbing" in Tel Aviv with your friends Saul and Ivan.
Ask him which Ninja Turtle is his favorite.
Give him your cell phone as a gift and ask him to leave it on for a few days so your friends can call and say hi.
When you leave, wave and say, "Shalom!"

 

[moreluck]

If...

If you can live without caffeine,

If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you time,

If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can ignore a friend's limited education,

If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,

If you can face the world without lies and deceit,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

If you can honestly say that deep in your heart you have no prejudice against creed, color, religion, gender preference, or politics . . .

THEN, you have ALMOST reached the same level of character development as your dog.

 

[moreluck]

Test your Knowledge

Lets see how smart you are. Read the question, then try to
answer---then check your answer by scrolling down!!

WHAT DO YOU PUT IN A TOASTER?


ANSWER: BREAD.... IF YOU SAID "TOAST" THEN GIVE UP NOW AND GO AND
FIND YOURSELF A SHOE BOX AS YOU CAN'T HANDLE LIFE....
IF YOU SAID "BREAD" THEN PLEASE PROGRESS ON TO QUESTION 2


Q2) SAY "SILK" 5 TIMES, NOW SPELL "SILK".....WHAT DO COWS DRINK?


ANSWER: "WATER"
IF YOU SAID "MILK," THEN MAY I SUGGEST THAT YOU DO NOT TRY THE NEXT
QUESTION, AS IT MAY SEEM THAT YOUR BRAIN CELL IS OVER - TAXED, YOU
NEED A HOLIDAY...MAY I SUGGEST CHILDREN'S WORLD?
IF YOU SAID "WATER" THEN YOU MAY GO ONTO QUESTION 3


Q3) IF A RED HOUSE IS MADE FROM RED BRICKS, A BLUE HOUSE IS MADE
OUT OF BLUE BRICKS, A PINK HOUSE IS MADE OUT OF PINK BRICKS, A BLACK
HOUSE IS MADE OUT OF BLACK BRICKS....
WHAT IS A GREEN HOUSE MADE OUT OF?


ANSWER: "GLASS" IF YOU SAID "GREEN BRICKS" THEN WHAT THE WORLD ARE YOU
STILL DOING HERE READING THESE QUESTIONS!!!!
IF YOU SAID "GLASS" THEN PLEASE PROGRESS ONTO QUESTION 4


Q4) 20 YEARS AGO A PLANE IS FLYING AT 20,000 FT, OVER THE OLD
COUNTRY GERMANY WHEN 2 OF THE ENGINES FAIL, THE PILOT REALIZING THAT
THE LAST REMAINING ENGINE WAS FAILING, HE DECIDES A CRASH LANDING
PROCEDURE, BUT UNFORTUNATELY THE ENGINE FAILS BEFORE TIME AND THE PLANE
CRASHES SMACK BANG IN THE MIDDLE OF "NO MANS LAND" THE LAND BETWEEN EAST
GERMANY AND WEST GERMANY IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BERLIN WALL, .....
WHERE WOULD YOU BURY THE SURVIVORS EAST GERMANY, WEST GERMANY OR IN
"NO MANS LAND"? !


ANSWER: YOU DON'T BURY "SURVIVORS." IF YOU SAID ANYTHING OTHER THAN
THE SENTENCE ABOVE THEN PLEASE NEVER FLY, YOU MAY CAUSE MORE DAMAGE
SHOULD THE PLANE CRASH!!!
IF YOU SAID THE SENTENCE ABOVE THEN CARRY ON TO QUESTION 5


Q5) IF ON A CLOCK THE HOUR HAND MOVES 1/60th OF A DEGREE EVERY MINUTE
THEN HOW MANY DEGREES WILL THE HOUR HAND TRAVEL IN 1 HOUR?


ANSWER: "1 DEGREE" IF YOU SAID "360 DEGREES", OR ANYTHING OTHER
THAN THE ANSWER, MAY I CONGRATULATE YOU ON GETTING THIS FAR...BUT BE
HONEST WITH YOURSELF, DO YOU THINK YOU CAN HANDLE THE LAST AND FINAL
QUESTION?
IF YOU SAID "1 DEGREE" THEN PLEASE GO ON TO THE LAST QUESTION


Q6) **WITHOUT USING A CALCULATOR**
YOU ARE DRIVING A BUS FROM LONDON TO MILFORD HAVEN (WALES) IN LONDON
17 PEOPLE GET ON THE BUS, IN READING 6 PEOPLE GET OFF, 9 PEOPLE GET ON,
IN SWINDON 2 PEOPLE GET OFF, 4 PEOPLE GET ON, IN CARDIFF 11 PEOPLE GET
OFF, 16 PEOPLE GET ON, IN SWANSEA 3 PEOPLE GET OFF, 5 PEOPLE GET ON, IN
CARMARTHEN, 6 PEOPLE GET OFF, 3 PEOPLE GET ON THE BUS THEN PULLS INTO
MILFORD HAVEN BUS DEPOT.....
WHAT WAS THE NAME OF THE BUS DRIVER?


ANSWER: "YOUR NAME." READ THE FIRST LINE.

 

[moreluck]

The Wonderful English Language

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes; but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes. One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese, yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice; yet the plural of house is houses, not hice. If the plural of man is always called men, why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?

If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet, and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet? If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those, yet hat in the plural would never be hose, and the plural of cat is cats, not cose.

We speak of a brother and also of brethren, but though we say mother, we never say methren. Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him, but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.

T

 

[moreluck]

Amazing....

German scientists dug 50 meters underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nation-wide telephone network.
Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 meters down, they found small pieces of glass, and they soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nation-wide fibre net.
Israeli scientists were outraged. They dug 50, 100 and 200 meters underground, but found absolutely nothing...
They concluded that the ancient Hebrews 55,000 years ago had cellular telephones.

 

[moreluck]

The Top 10 Signs Your Co-Worker Might Be A Computer Hacker

10. Everyone who makes him mad gets a $26,000 electric bill.

9. Has won the Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes three years running.

8. Somehow gets HBO on his PC at work.

7. Has four Pentagon computers listed in his "Network Neighborhood."

6. For laughs, passes around a list of the boss' movie rentals for the last 5 years with the words "bikini" and "cheerleader" underlined in red.

5. Massive 401(k) contribution made in half-cent increments.

4. Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeeez!" 295 times during the movie "The Net."

3. Laughs out loud at telephone long distance commercials.

2. Instead of the "Welcome" voice on AOL, you overhear, "Good Morning, Mr. President."

And the Number One sign your co-worker might be a computer hacker --

1. You hear them murmur, "Let's see you use that VISA card now, Professor "I-Don't-Give-A's-In-Computer-Science!"

 

[moreluck]

A Lifetime of Learning

I've learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sing "Silent Night".......
--Age 6

I've learned that our dog doesn't want to eat my broccoli either.
--Age 7

I've learned that when I wave to people in the country, they stop what they are doing and wave back.
--Age 9

I've learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up again.
--Age 12

I've learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up.
--Age 14

I've learned that although it's hard to admit it, I'm secretly glad my parents are strict with me.
--Age 15

I've learned that silent company is often more healing than words of advice.
--Age 24

I've learned that brushing my child's hair is one of life's great pleasures.
--Age 26

I've learned that wherever I go, the world's worst drivers have followed me there.
--Age 29

I've learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it.
--Age 39

I've learned that there are people who love you dearly but just don't know how to show it.
--Age 42

I've learned that you can make some one's day by simply sending them a little note.
--Age 44

I've learned that the greater a person's sense of guilt, the greater his or her need to cast blame on others.
--Age 46

I've learned that children and grandparents are natural allies.
--Age 47

I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.
--Age 48

I've learned that singing "Amazing Grace" can lift my spirits for hours.
--Age 49

I've learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away from the phone.
--Age 50

I've learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.
--Age 52

I've learned that keeping a vegetable garden is worth a medicine cabinet full of pills.
--Age 52

I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you miss them terribly after they die.
--Age 53

I've learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life.
--Age 58

I've learned that if you want to do something positive for your children, work to improve your marriage.
--Age 61

I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.
--Age 62

I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catchers mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back.
--Age 64

I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, the needs of others, your work, meeting new people, and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you.
--Age 65

I've learned that whenever I decide something with kindness, I usually make the right decision.
--Age 66

I've learned that everyone can use a prayer.
--Age 72

I've learned that it pays to believe in miracles. And to tell the truth, I've seen several.
--Age 75

I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.
--Age 82

I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch - holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.
--Age 85

I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.
--Age 92

I've learned that you should pass this on to someone you care about. Sometimes they just need a little something to make them smile.
--Ageless.

 

[nevadapaul]

<FONT SIZE="-2">(deleted by moderator)</FONT>

 

[moreluck]

Nevadapaul:

Laughter keeps you young and is good for the heart. I have been posting nearly daily on this site for over a year. How long have you been here??

If you don't appreciate humor, don't read it! I don't have to justify my prescence here, except to say ...... having a spouse at UPS for 28 years gives me every right to be here.

Now you've totally pissed me off and I have high blood pressure. You should be ashamed of yourself!

 

[michael]

moreluck...

Keep posting some of us have a sense of humor !

Michael

 

[cheryl]

nevadapaul,

Consider yourself warned, one more time and you're outta here

 

[moreluck]

Paradoxes

From George Carlin

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings, but shorter tempers; wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints.

We spend more, but have less; we buy more, but enjoy it less. We have bigger houses and smaller families; more conveniences, but less time; we have more degrees, but less sense; more knowledge, but less judgment; moreexperts, but more problems; more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little,drive too fast, get too angry too quickly, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too seldom, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.

We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life; we've added years to life, not life to years.

We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet the new neighbor.

We've conquered outer space, but not inner space.

We've done larger things, but not better things.

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul.

We've split the atom, but not our prejudice.

We write more, but learn less.

We plan more, but accomplish less.

We've learned to rush, but not to wait.

We build more computers to hold more information to produce more copies thanever, but have less communication.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion; tall men and short character; steep profits and shallow relationships.

These are the times of world peace, but domestic warfare; more leisure, butless fun; more kinds of food, but less nutrition.

These are days of two incomes, but more divorce; of fancier houses, but broken homes.

These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one-night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer to quiet, to kill.

It is a time when there is much in the show window and nothing in the stockroom; a time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete

 

[hubiebrown]

FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1. You believe in Santa Claus.
2. You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3. You are Santa Claus.
4. You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:
At age 4, success is ... not peeing in your pants.
At age 12, success is ... having friends.
At age 16, success is ... having a drivers license.
At age 20, success is ... having sex.
At age 35, success is ... having money.
At age 50, success is ... having money.
At age 60, success is ... having sex.
At age 70, success is ... having a drivers license.
At age 75, success is ... having friends.
At age 80, success is ... not peeing in your pants.

 

[moreluck]

19 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN
by Dave Barry

1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative
on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race
has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word
would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost
never want you to share yours with them.

5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its
glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use,
as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

6. You should not confuse your career with your life.

7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too
seriously.

8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one
individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command.
Very often, that individual is crazy.

9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

10. Never lick a steak knife.

11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and
compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely
suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual
baby emerging from her at that moment.

15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people
to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

16. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age,
gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep
down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to
annoy people who are not in them.

18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice
person.

19. Your friends love you anyway.

Thought for the day: Never be afraid to try something new. Remember
that amateurs built the Ark. Professionals built the Titanic.
>

 

[retired]

That was hilarious

Thank you

 

[moreluck]

Life Stages

FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1. You believe in Santa Claus.
2. You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3. You are Santa Claus.
4. You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:
At age 4, success is ... not peeing in your pants.
At age 12, success is ... having friends.
At age 16, success is ... having a drivers license.
At age 20, success is ... having sex.
At age 35, success is ... having money.
At age 50, success is ... having money.
At age 60, success is ... having sex.
At age 70, success is ... having a drivers license.
At age 75, success is ... having friends.
At age 80, success is ... not peeing in your pants.

 

[moreluck]

Ineffective Daily Affirmations

I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.

I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.

In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.

I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.

I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.

The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.

Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.

Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.

Does my quiet self-pity get to you or should I move up to incessant nagging?

Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."

False hope is nicer than no hope at all.

A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.

Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.

Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute and I'll find someone.

I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at.

The next time the universe knocks on my door, I will pretend I am not home.

To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.

 

[moreluck]

> HORMONES.....
> > The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man
> has to do is open his
> > mouth and he takes his life in his own hands! This is a handy guide that
> should be as common as a
> > driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant
> other of any description!
> >
> > DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
> > SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
> > SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
> >
> > DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
> > SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
> > SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
> >
> > DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
> > SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
> > SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
> >
> > DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
> > SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
> > SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
> >
> > And my personal favorite.....
> >
> > DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
> > SAFER: I hope you didn't over do it today.
> > SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
> >
> >

 

[moreluck]

A bum, who obviously has seen more than his
> > >>> > >> > share of hard times approaches a well dressed
> > >>> > >> > gentleman on the street.
> > >>> > >> > "Hey, Buddy, can you spare two dollars?"
> > >>> > >> >
> > >>> > >> > The well-dressed gentleman responds, "You are
> > >>> > >> > not going to spend it on liquor are you?"
> > >>> > >> > "No, sir, I don't drink," retorts the bum.
> > >>> > >> >
> > >>> > >> > "You are not going to throw it away in some
> > >>> > >> > crap game, are you?" asks the gentleman.
> > >>> > >> > "No way, I don't gamble,"answers the bum.
> > >>> > >> >
> > >>> > >> > "You wouldn't waste the money at a golf course
> > >>> > >> > for greens fees, would you?" asks the man.
> > >>> > >> > "Never," says the bum, "I don't play golf."
> > >>> > >> >
> > >>> > >> > The man asks the bum if he would like to come
> > >>> > >> > home with him for a home cooked meal.
> > >>> > >> >
> > >>> > >> > The bum accepts eagerly.
> > >>> > >> >
> > >>> > >> > While they are heading for the
> > >>> > >> > man's house, the bum's curiosity gets the better
> > >>> > >> > of him. "Isn't your wife going to be angry
> > >>> > >> > when she sees a guy like me at your table?"
> > >>> > >> >
> > >>> > >> > "Probably," says the man, "but it will be worth it.
> > >>> > >> > I want her to see what happens to a guy who doesn't
> > >>> > >> > drink, gamble or play golf."
> > >>> > >>

 

[michael]

moreluck ..

Great one ! I think I'll try that one on my wife and see what it gets me ! hahahahaha