Heard Any Good Ones: Archive

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Job Placement Test
A new assessment exercise...

Does your organization struggle with the problem of properly fitting people to jobs? Here is a handy hint for ensuring success in job placement.

Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.


If they have taken the table apart in that time, put them in Engineering.

If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Accounting.

If they are screaming and waving their arms, send them off to Manufacturing.

If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.

If they are sleeping, they are Management material.

If they are writing up the experience, send them to Tech Pubs.

If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.

If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.

And if they've left early, put them in Sales.

 

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Art of Recruiting
One day while walking down the street a highly successful executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the pearly gates by St. Peter himself.

"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an executive make it this far, and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in." said the woman.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want, to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind; I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman.

"Sorry, we have rules..."

And with that, St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell.

The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives whom she had worked with, and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her.

They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner.

She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good bye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and she found St. Peter waiting for her.

"Now it's time to spend a day in Heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.

"So, you've spent a day in Hell and you've spent a day in Heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," he said.

The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went
down-down-down, back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth.

She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.

"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is, is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you. Today, you're STAFF."

 

[moreluck]

USELESS FACTS....

* Coca-cola was originally green.
* Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. treasury.
* It is possible to lead a cow upstairs, but not downstairs.
* Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters.
* City with the most Rolls Royces per capita: Hong Kong.
* State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work - Alaska.
* City with the highest per capita viewership of television evangelists: Wash.D.C.
* Cost of raising a med. size dog to age 11
$6,400.
* Only first lady to carry a loaded revolver: Eleanor Roosevelt.
* Only continent without reptiles or snakes: Antarctica.
* Ostriches stick their heads in the sand to look for water.
* In the Caribbean there are oysters that can climb trees.
* The youngest Pope was 11 years old.
* Mark Twain didn't graduate from elementary school.
* Pilgrims ate popcorn at the first Thanksgiving dinner.

 

[vic]

Airline Bloopers
From a disgruntled Airline employee.... "Welcome aboard
ZZZ Airlines Flight XXX, to YYY.

To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.

In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face.

If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs.

If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive.

Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than ZZZ Airlines."

 

[vic]

Corporate Buzzwords for 2000

Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

Body Nazis: Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively.

Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps over everything and then leaves.

Chainsaw Consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.

Idea Hamsters: People who always seem to have their idea generators running.

Mouse Potato: The online, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.

Squirt the Bird: To transmit a signal to a satellite.

Starter Marriage: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property, and no regrets.

Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

Swiped Out: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

Tourists: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in class; the rest were just tourists."

Treeware: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.

Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

Going Postal: Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for losing it. Makes reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who have snapped and gone on shooting rampages.

Alpha Geek: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the Alpha Geek around here."

Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

Chips and Salsa: Chips = hardware, Salsa = software. "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem is in your chips or your salsa."

Flight Risk: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.

GOOD job: A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.

Irritainment: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.

Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

Uninstalled: Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voicemail of a Vice President at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an uninstalled Vice President. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance." See also Decruitment.

Vulcan Nerve Pinch: The taxing hand positions required to reach all the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the warm re-boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control Key, the Command key, the Return key and the Power On key.

Yuppie Food Stamps: The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal: "We all owe $8 each, but all anybody's got is yuppie food stamps."

 

[moreluck]

MORE USELESS STUFF...

They have square watermelons in Japan...they stack better.

Starfish have 8 eyes...one at the end of each leg.

Iceland consumes more coca cola per capita than any other nation.

First novel ever written on a typewriter was Tom Sawyer.

Heinz Ketchup leaving the bottle travels at 25 miles per year.

Men get hiccups more often than women.

Armadillos can be housebroken.

The San Francisco cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

The combination "ough" can be pronounced in 9 different ways. The following sentence contains them all.: "A rough-coated, dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed."

 

[vic]

Funny from the Headlines
Will the Real Dummy Please Stand Up?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked "intellectual leadership". He received a $26 million severance package.

With a Little Help from Our Friends!
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting pleas to come out and give himself up...

...And What Was Plan B?
An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts...

And These Nitwits Are Teaching Our Children?!!
A 9-year-old Manassas, Virginia boy received a one-day suspension under his elementary school's drug policy last week - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him "jump higher." And a student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance" policy.

Some Days, It Just Doesn't Pay to Gnaw Through the Straps...
Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system."

And for the Main Course...
A man in Taormina, Italy was hospitalized after swallowing 46 teaspoons, 2 cigarette lighters, and a pair of salad tongs.

...The Getaway
A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

...Do-It-Yourself Brain Surgery?!
In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.

Have I Got a Deal for You!
More than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a spaceship badly enough to pay $10,000 a piece for the first tourist flight to Mars. According to the Italian police, the would-be space travelers were told to spend their "next vacation on Mars, amid the splendors of ruined temples and painted deserts; ride a Martian camel from oasis to oasis and enjoy the incredible Martian sunsets. Explore mysterious canals and marvel at the views. Trips to the moon also available." Authorities believe that the con men running this scam made off with over six million dollars...

Did I Say That?!
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a line-up. When detectives asked each man in the line-up to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

Ouch, That Smarts!
A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around," said police spokesman Mike Carey, "with an explosion taking place inside his pants." Police have the man's charred trousers in custody...

Are We Not Communicating?
A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"

Not the Sharpest Knife in the Drawer!
In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.

 

[xbrown]

A little boy asks his father how much it costs to get married to which his father replies "I don't know, I'm still paying."

 

[moreluck]

A young couple got married and went away on their honeymoon. After 2 weeks they came back and finally put away all of the gifts they received from friends and family. Since this was a new home, the process took some time.
The silver went into the closet, items were put on the wall for display and some of the more intimate apparel was put in the bedroom drawers.
A week later they received in the mail 2 tickets for a popular show where tickets were impossible to get. They were very excited and warmed by the gesture of the person who sent this. Inside the envelope, however, was only a small piece of paper with a single line...."Guess who sent them".
The pair had much fun trying to identify the donor, but failed in their effort. They went to the theatre and had a wonderful time. On their return home late at night, still trying to guess the identity of the unknown host, they found the house stripped of every article of value. And on the bare table in the dining room was a piece of paper on which was written in the same hand as the enclosure with the tickets: "Now you know."

 

[moreluck]

Four gents go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other 3 are discussing their children while walking to the first tee. "My son," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."
The second man, not to be outdone, allows how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend 2 brand new cars as a gift."
The third man continues on how his son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage firm and in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.
As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, another tells him that they have been discussing their sons and asks what line of work his son is in.
"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son has turned out," he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser and I've just recently discovered he's a practicing homosexual. But, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars and a big pile of stock certificates."

 

[vic]

OOOPSIE!
A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a VERY sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

 

[moreluck]

A Hillbilly was in court, charged with killing and eating a white spotted owl, which is on the endangered species list. "Your honor, I didn't know. I have 5 kids and we were hungry."
A compassionate man, the judge let him go, if he promised never to do it again.
On the way out of the courtroom, the judge asked, out of curiosity, what a white spotted owl tasted like..
"Well, judge, it's kind of like a cross between a bald eagle and a condor!"

 

[vic]

ALERT! The Work Virus
There is a new virus going around, called "work." If you receive any sort of "work" at all, whether via e-mail, internet or simply handed to you by a colleague...DO NOT OPEN IT.

This has been circulating around our building for months and those who have been tempted to open "work" or even look at "work," have found that their social life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly.

If you do encounter "work" via e-mail or are faced with any "work" at all, then to purge the virus, send an e-mail to your boss with the words "I've had enough of your crap! I'm off to the pub." The "work" should automatically be forgotten by your brain.

If you receive "work" in paper-document form, simply lift the document and drag the "work" to your garbage can. Put on your hat and coat and skip to the nearest bar with two friends and order three pints of beer (or rum punch). After repeating this action 14 times, you will find that "work" will no longer be of any relevance to you and that "Scooby Doo" was the greatest cartoon ever.

Send this message to everyone in your address book. If you do NOT have anyone in your address book, then I'm afraid the "work" virus has already corrupted your life.

 

[vic]

Balloon Management
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realises he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts:
"Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says:
"Yes you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must work in Information Technology," says the balloonist.

"I do," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct and yet it's of no use to anyone."

The man below says, "You must work in management."

"I do," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well", says the man, "You don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help; and you're in the same position as you were before we met, but now it's my fault.

 

[moreluck]

The Future - as seen back in 1950

* I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it'll be impossible to buy a week's worth of groceries for $20.

* Have you seen the new cars coming out this year? It won't be long when $5000 will only buy a used one.

* If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous!

* Did you hear the Post Office is thinking about charging a dime just to deliver a letter?

* If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store.

* When I first started driving, who would've thought gas would someday cost 50 cents a gallon. I'm better off just to leave the car in the garage.

* I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies. Ever since Gone With the Wind, there's a "hell" or "damn" in every movie.

* Pretty soon you won't be able to buy a good 10 cent cigar.

* A baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year. It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the president.

* Do you suppose television will ever reach our part of the country?

* It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work.

* Next thing you know, the government will start paying us not to grow crops.

* There's no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend. It costs nearly $15 a night for the hotel.

* Why would you want to send your daughter to college? She'll just get married. It'd be different if she could be a doctor or lawyer.

* We can't afford to be sick. $35 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood.

* If a few idiots want to risk their necks flying across country that's fine, but nothing will replace trains.

* I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business.

* If they raise the price of a cup of coffee to 15 cents, I'll just have to drink mine at home.

NO, IT WASN'T SO LONG AGO!!

 

[moreluck]

MOST IRONIC CELEBRITY DEATHS.....

* Ellen DeGeneres - suffocates in a closet.
* Susan Lucci - trips and breaks her neck while running up steps to accept an Emmy.
* Jenny McCarthy - struck by a random thought.
* RuPaul - prostate cancer.
* O.J. Simpson - Murdered by the "real killer" in an apparent suicide.
* Madonna - exposure.
* Unabomber - mail bomb returned due to insufficient postage.
* Al Gore - Dutch Elm Disease.
* Bill Gates - falls out a window.

 

[vic]

Definition of a Tragedy
President Bill Clinton was addressing a group of school children and explaining the importance of choosing precisely the right words to express your thoughts.

He asked the class if someone could give an example of the word Tragedy.

A little boy raised his hand and said "If two children were having a catch and the ball rolled into the street and one of the children ran after it and got killed by a car, that would be a tragedy".

The President thought for a moment and replied "Son, that might be more like an accident than a tragedy. Anyone else have an idea? Yes, you down in the front row."

A little girl stood up and said "If a school bus full of children on the way to a museum got hit by a train and all the children got killed, would that be a tragedy?"

"It would be very sad and a great loss, but perhaps not a tragedy", the President replied. "Anyone else?"

A little boy in the back stood up.
"Sir, if you and Mrs. Clinton were on Air Force One and the plane was hit by a missile from Iraq and the plane blew up and you and Mrs. Clinton were killed, that would be a tragedy."

"Very good, son", said the President. "How did you decide to use that excellent example?"

"Well, Sir," said the boy, "I knew it wasn't an accident, and it wouldn't be a great loss, so I guess it must be a tragedy."

 

[vic]

Falling asleep at work
Things to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk:

"They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

"This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to.

"Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"

"I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"

"This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"

"Wasn't sleeping. Was trying to pick up my contact lens without my hands."

"I was actually doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.

"Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk:

1."...Amen

 

[vic]

Profession definitions
An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.

An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain)

An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.

A statistician is someone who is good with numbers, but lacks the personality to be an accountant.

An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.(Laurence J. Peter)

A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there. (Charles R. Darwin)

A topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.

A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000-word document and calls it a "brief." (Franz Kafka)

 

[moreluck]

REJECTED MOTEL SIX SLOGANS.....

We're workin' on that smell thing too.

Because you deserve better than the backseat of some car.

Not just for nooners anymore.

We'll leave the Lysol for ya!

We don't make the adultery. We make the adultery better.

It's Hookerific!

Hey, we're not the Ritz, but just try bringing your secretary there on YOUR salary, pal!

As seen on "COPS".