MT3: I'm Here To Answer Your Questions!!

[Mr. 7]

How often do you guys have someone go down for 90 days? I don't think I've ever seen it around here. Is it that common?

It happens more often than you would think. It's more the principal of the matter. If I break my leg in 10 different places and after all the surgeries and P.T. it takes me 5 months to learn to walk again enough to do my job, why is my position gone?

Happens at every station and ususally the same 3 or 4 people every time. Most likely to happen right before peak.

^^ This too.

 

[STFXG]

Matt,

What is Dano's official title?

 

[MrFedEx]

Matt,

What is Dano's official title?

Dear STFXG,

Another great question!! Wow, and so many of them. What a great group of employees! To get right to your question, Dano is officially a Lackey Ass Boy (LAB). He's a great shoe-shiner, boot-licker, and knob-polisher. He does what he is told, and always gives 110%, just like all of you should...every day. Have a productive and safe weekend!!

Most Sincerely,
Uncle Matt

 

[MrFedEx]

Hi Matt-
Do you have any recommendations for a CPA in the Phoenix area that is familiar with FedEx?

Dear Moose,

Sorry, but I have to consult FedEx Legal before I can speak to you about attorneys or CPAs'. I have a really good one in Chi..err, Memphis, who is telling me to sell all of my stock because FedEx Express is run by some black guy who is an absolute freaking maroon! Glad I don't know him! Have a great day!

Hugs and Kisses,
MT3

 

[bbsam]

It happens more often than you would think. It's more the principal of the matter. If I break my leg in 10 different places and after all the surgeries and P.T. it takes me 5 months to learn to walk again enough to do my job, why is my position gone?



^^ This too.

If you can't make it to work for 3 months, why should I be obligated to keep you on? If it isn't work comp, forget it. No idea why that would even be a question.

 

[MrFedEx]

Hi Matt,

We're not very familiar with you up here in the great white North but after doing a little research I noticed you talk with your hands a lot in all the videos you're featured in. The VP of operations up here in Canada, Pina Starino is constantly waving her hands in all the video's she gives us the honour of seeing. Do you have to go through a course on how to talk with your hands in video's before you become big shot at FedEx?

Hi dezguy!!

Both Pina and I are both graduates of the Benny Hinn school of Faith Healing and Theft. It takes a great deal of faith in FedEx for me to wave my hands the way I do, and it's because I'm just so full of the Spirit of the Lord and of FedEx. In a lot of ways, they are the same!! Have faith that we care about you at FedEx...even if you live in Canada and work for Pina Starino !! She's a great gal!!

Have a great peak and Boxing Day!!

Your Friend,
MT3

 

[STFXG]

Dear Matt,

What's your response to those employees who consider you a token?

 

[Cactus]

If you can't make it to work for 3 months, why should I be obligated to keep you on? If it isn't work comp, forget it. No idea why that would even be a question.

What if I need 3 months off to groom scoccer fields?

 

[MrFedEx]

Dear Matt,

What's your response to those employees who consider you a token?

Dear STFXG,

I have "Nabisco" branded on each ass cheek and a creamy white filling. No, I'm no token!

Sincerely,
Clarence Thomas Mathew Thornton III

 

[MrFedEx]

What if I need 3 months off to groom scoccer fields?

Dear Cactus,

Great question, Cactus!! You should go into ASSPIRE or whatever they are calling it now. You clearly have leadership ability! 90 days off to groom a soccer field would unfortunately lead to that employee "leaving to pursue other career opportunities". Unless, of course, they aren't an employee at all, but a pretend one so a company sca.. err "strategy", can be realized. Master Smith!! Have I said too much?

Love,
MT3

 

[DontThrowPackages]

Dear MT3,
It's beyond obvious, when addressing the masses, you're reading from a script. I was just wondering if your hand movements are also scripted. I mean, most the time they don't seem at all to be in sync with one another(words to hands). Feels like I'm watching an old Mothra or Gamarra movie. It gets so bad that its just too hard to focus in on any words coming out of your mouth because we're trying to guess when you're going to go from the single-fist-thumb and index finger squeezed together to the very unnatural double-hands-fingers spread wide apart with a small dip( as if they're wet). I ask only because maybe its past time to do away with the hand Q-cards and just leave your hands in your pockets. We would definitely heard you better.
Sincerely, Living in my car.

 

[bbsam]

So, MFE, you guys are upset because Fred doesn't go above and beyond the FMLA? Really, there are alot of reasons not to like Fred. This probably isn't one of them. This really is the standard. But being the miserable haters you are, the standards Bill Clinton signed into law just aren't good enough?

 

[Route 66]

but I don't think MFE is even participating in this particular topic (oddly enuff!)....he's simply forwarding our letters on to His Lordship, Mr. Matthew Gullywumps Thornton the Turd. He sure is missing out on a golden opportunity here though - but I guess he's trying to remain a neutral party....very admirable of him I'd have to say.

 

[bbsam]

but I don't think MFE is even participating in this particular topic (oddly enuff!)....he's simply forwarding our letters on to His Lordship, Mr. Matthew Gullywumps Thornton the Turd. He sure is missing out on a golden opportunity here though - but I guess he's trying to remain a neutral party....very admirable of him I'd have to say.

admirable and a complete impossibility.

 

[hypo hanna]

Dear Matthew Thornton III, AKA "EmptyX3",

how do I explain to my family the record profits of FedEx while we have to live on Raman noodles, government cheese and bologna we bought from the clearance bin? My kids see all the years of hard work and sacrifice I put into this company yet I don't share in its successes. I'm afraid they are giving up on the American dream before they get started. What should I tell them?

 

[Cactus]

So, MFE, you guys are upset because Fred doesn't go above and beyond the FMLA? Really, there are alot of reasons not to like Fred. This probably isn't one of them. This really is the standard. But being the miserable haters you are, the standards Bill Clinton signed into law just aren't good enough?

Fred and MT3 expect us to above and beyond every day, so why shouldn't we expect the same in return?

This is sure a hypocritical comment from someone who's choosing to hide from the action this year at the busiest time.

 

[MrFedEx]

Dear MT3,
It's beyond obvious, when addressing the masses, you're reading from a script. I was just wondering if your hand movements are also scripted. I mean, most the time they don't seem at all to be in sync with one another(words to hands). Feels like I'm watching an old Mothra or Gamarra movie. It gets so bad that its just too hard to focus in on any words coming out of your mouth because we're trying to guess when you're going to go from the single-fist-thumb and index finger squeezed together to the very unnatural double-hands-fingers spread wide apart with a small dip( as if they're wet). I ask only because maybe its past time to do away with the hand Q-cards and just leave your hands in your pockets. We would definitely heard you better.
Sincerely, Living in my car.

Dear DTP,

Great question!! When I'm talking to employees I never do pre-scripted material, read from a cue card, only cover certain topics and/or avoid controversial topics...I'm completely spontaneous! When I wave my hands and do finger motions, I'm actually signing to you that "You are so lucky to work for the world's BEST company"! My hands do get wet sometimes, just because I'm so excited to be presenting you with all of the new opportunities you have here at FedEx.

If you are living in your car, that's a personal responsibility issue. You are paid excellent industry-leading wages at FedEx, and your benefits are second to none. Sounds like you need to work harder and faster!!

Your Friend,
Matt

 

[MrFedEx]

Dear Matthew Thornton III, AKA "EmptyX3",

how do I explain to my family the record profits of FedEx while we have to live on Raman noodles, government cheese and bologna we bought from the clearance bin? My kids see all the years of hard work and sacrifice I put into this company yet I don't share in its successes. I'm afraid they are giving up on the American dream before they get started. What should I tell them?

Dear HH,

Wow, what a great question!! Right now, FedEx is going broke!! We are barely staying afloat in stormy economic waters. My family and I economize all the time. My wife likes shoes from a New York City store, and when they go on special for $5,000 per pair, we buy them!! Usually, they are $7,500 per pair...so she has to wait and "be tough" in tough times . I used to send her up there on Happy Hands 1, but now I make her fly first-class instead. And when she stays overnight, it's The Waldorf Astoria for her, not some fancy place!

This has affected me as well. I only make $55,000 per year, and all of that stock options information you read is a lie! My Mercedes, Ferrari, and big fancy mansion(s) in Chicago and Memphis? They were gifts! I've made huge sacrifices...just like you!

And my my kids? They live on French government cheese flown-in fresh every day from Paris, noodles imported from Beijing and also flown here fresh, and bologna made from special lobster-fed pigs and beef in Italy. I've got one at Yale and one in private school here in Chi..Memphis, and I pay their tuition by working a second job at the 7-11 down the street here in Memphis.

Don't give-up on your dreams, because at FedEx, that's all you've got!!

Your Buddy and Pal,
Uncle Matttie

 

[MrFedEx]

So, MFE, you guys are upset because Fred doesn't go above and beyond the FMLA? Really, there are alot of reasons not to like Fred. This probably isn't one of them. This really is the standard. But being the miserable haters you are, the standards Bill Clinton signed into law just aren't good enough?

You're a joke. I guess we just better buckle-down and be miserable haters. Glad things are good for you. Wish I could sit on my ass and decide whether or not I wanted to play golf, watch TV, or groom the local soccer field. You're sounding more and more like JC Watts every day.

 

[MrFedEx]

but I don't think MFE is even participating in this particular topic (oddly enuff!)....he's simply forwarding our letters on to His Lordship, Mr. Matthew Gullywumps Thornton the Turd. He sure is missing out on a golden opportunity here though - but I guess he's trying to remain a neutral party....very admirable of him I'd have to say.

Dear Route 66,

I can tell from your conversations here at Brown Café that you are either a 4-digit troublemaker or possibly a 5-digit troublemaker...just like MrFedEx!! You should thank your lucky stars that you work for the greatest company on the world! You need to go to IamFedEx.com and see how real FedEx employees admire their organization. I personally give 99% of my $55,000 salary to charity each year, and live in abject poverty so others might have a better life.

Shame on you and MFE for trying to make fun of Master Smith. His plantation is the best one around!!
Love,
Kunta Kinte Thornton III