St. Patrick's Day
- Thread starter moreluck
- Start date
moreluck
golden ticket member
For a holiday, Mulvaney decided to go to Switzerland to fulfill a lifelong dream and climb the Matterhorn.
He hired a guide and just as they neared the top, the men were caught in a snow slide.
Three hours later, a Saint Bernard plowed through to them, a keg of brandy tied under his chin.
"Hooray!" shouted the guide. "Here comes man's best friend!
"Yeah," said Mulvaney. "An' look at the size of the dog that's bringin' it!"
He hired a guide and just as they neared the top, the men were caught in a snow slide.
Three hours later, a Saint Bernard plowed through to them, a keg of brandy tied under his chin.
"Hooray!" shouted the guide. "Here comes man's best friend!
"Yeah," said Mulvaney. "An' look at the size of the dog that's bringin' it!"
moreluck
golden ticket member
O'Malley, a plumber by profession, was called by a lady with an emergency in her bathroom. Arriving at the scene, he turned off the water with a sigh, and replaced the faucet washer, ending the emergency. The lady was nice-looking, and lonely to boot, so before long Sean was helping her to heat up the bedroom. About four-thirty, the telephone rang, and after she hung up, the lady told O'Malley: "That was my husband. He'll be home in about half an hour, but he'll be leaving on a business trip to Chicago this evening at seven. Why don't you come back at about seven-thirty, and we'll continue where we left off?" "Saints!" exclaimed Sean, aghast. "On me own time?"
rod
Retired 22 years
Pass the mustard, please!
We bought 60 bucks worth of corn beef and boxcar full of potatoes ,cabbage and carrots. The bon-fire is lit at 2:00pm Saturday. BYOB------ feel free to piss and puke in the woods. The neighbors have been warned and invited.
rod
Retired 22 years
rod
Retired 22 years
moreluck
golden ticket member
- 'Ah, that was a lovely dress,' announced Colleen, 'and it would have fitted me if I could have got into it, so it would.'
- O'Gara was arrested and sent for trial for armed bank robbery.
After due deliberation, the jury foreman stood up and announced, 'Not guilty.'
'That's grand,' shouted O'Gara, 'Does that mean I get to keep the money?' - Reilly is walking through a graveyard when he comes across a headstone with the inscription "Here lies a politician and an honest man."
'Faith now,' exclaims Reilly, 'I wonder how they got the two of them in one grave. - Donncha is shocked at finding out all his cows are suffering from "Bluetongue." 'Bejabbers,' Donncha murmurs, 'I didn't even know they had mobile phones.'
- Murphy lost a hundred dollars on the Melbourne Cup, a famous Australian horserace. He also lost another hundred on the television replay.
moreluck
golden ticket member
Funny Irish One-Liners
- Where were you going when I saw you coming back?
- I ran after you, but when I caught up to you you'd gone.
- 'What's wrong with Murphy?' asked Father Green.
'I don't know, Father. Yesterday he swallowed a spoon and he hasn't stirred since,' said Mrs Murphy. - 'How far is it to the next village?' asked the American tourist. 'It's about seven miles,' guessed the farmer. 'But it's only five if you run!'
- 'I'm the unluckiest person in the whole world,' moaned Betty McGrath. 'I bought a non-stick pan and can't get the label off.'
moreluck
golden ticket member
An Irish daughter had not been home for over three years.
Upon her return home, her father yelled at her, "Where have ye been all this time?
Why did ye not write to us? Not even a line! Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer ol' mother thru?"
The girl, crying, replied, sniff....sniff.... "Dad, I was too embarrassed for I became a prostitute."
Ye what?!! Out of here, ye shameless hussy! Sinner! Ye're a disgrace to this Catholic family, so ye are."
"OK Daddy, as ye wish... I just came back to give Mommy this luxurious fur coat, a cheque for 2 million pounds and the title deed to an eight bedroom mansion.
For me little brother Shamus, this solid gold Rolex.
And for ye, Daddy, the sparkling new limited edition convertible Mercedes parked out front plus a life membership to the Limerick Country Club."
She takes a deep breath and continues, "And an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board me new yacht in the Caribbean."
"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" her father asked.
The girl, crying again, said, sniff...sniff... "A prostitute Daddy." sniff...sniff.
"Oh! Me goodness! Ye scared me half to death girl! I thought ye said ye had become a PROTESTANT! Come here and give yer ol' Dad a big hug."
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