And that's when the fight started...

Discussion in 'Lighten UPS' started by Hoaxster, Oct 22, 2008.

  1. Monkey Butt

    Monkey Butt Dark Prince of Double Standards Staff Member

    When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive. So, I took her to a gas station.

    And that's when the fight started.....


    I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

    And that's when the fight started.....


    After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

    The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt.'

    So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,' and she processed my Social Security application.

    When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

    She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

    And that's when the fight started.....


    My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

    My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

    'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

    'My God!' says my wife. 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

    And that's when the fight started.....


    I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

    You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and littl e things just seem funny?

    Yeah, well I couldn't be lieve it. He was a DWARF!!!

    He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

    So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

    And that's when the fight started.....

    I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

    'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

    He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

    'Nah, she can order for herself.'

    And that's when the fight started.....
  2. dillweed

    dillweed Well-Known Member

    Hoaxter, those are darned funny, thanks for the early AM laugh!
  3. Misloaded21

    Misloaded21 New Member

  4. chev

    chev Nightcrawler

    :happy-very: I love the dwarf joke........
  5. Mike23

    Mike23 Guest

    It was my fav too! I tried to share it with my gf when she was watching a movie...that's when the fight started... :(

    BLACKBOX Life is a Highway...
  7. bubsdad

    bubsdad "Hang in there!"

    Well done, Hoke. I like the beer vs. cold cream. Wife didn't get it.
  8. tarbar66

    tarbar66 Active Member

    One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...

    The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

    When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

    And that's how the fight started.....


    My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

    I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'

    'No,' She answered.

    I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

    She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes...'

    So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'

    And that's when the fight started...

    My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.

    She asked , 'What's on TV?'

    I said , 'Dust'

    And then the fight started...

    My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

    She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.'

    I bought her a set of bathroom scales.

    And then the fight started...
  9. brownedout

    brownedout New Member

    Because they're all so great (and funny) how 'bout a couple more:

    Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

    I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

    My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

    And that's when the fight started.

    A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."

    The husband replied, "Your eyesight is damn near perfect."

    And that's when the fight started.
  10. bbsam

    bbsam Moderator Staff Member

    Ok. This one is actually true.

    Recently, since I'm getting up there in age and want to live to see my children grow up, my doctor strongly suggested I get a colonoscopy. Throwing all insecurity and stupid machismo to the side, in I went. All went well but they did find three internal hemhroids that for some reason they determined had to be dealt with. First one was "banded" under anasthesia. Went in for the second "procedure" which consisted of no anasthesia, a tube of KY, a four foot long "applicator" and a very ungentle gastroenterologist.

    Arriving home feeling rather violated and understanding the shower scene from "The Crying Game" I mustered up what little self-deprecating humor I could and announced to my wife, "Honey, I am 100% NOT gay!"

    She looked at me with a hint of suspicion and said, "That's nice, dear. Care to explain how it took you 42 years one wife and three kids to figure that out?"

    And that's when the fight broke out.