From The Chairman: Peak Edition

Discussion in 'FedEx Discussions' started by MrFedEx, Dec 14, 2012.

  1. MrFedEx

    MrFedEx Engorged Member

    Dear FedEx Team Members,

    First, I want to thank each and every one of you for your outstanding efforts during this Peak season. It isn't over yet, but I'm proud of your outstanding dedication to The Purple efforts are appreciated, and each of you is a valued member of this organization.

    Despite your efforts, we are facing serious challenges at the Express opco, and I'm going to be asking for not only your allegiance, but continued sacrifices during the coming year. Why? So I can get even more rich and powerful than I already am. It's great being incredibly wealthy, and every penny I can take from you translates into millions in my bank account. Here, let me show you.

    As we enter the new year, I'm renewing my efforts to expand the expense of Express. It's simple Math...I make way more money per package over at Ground, so I've directed our Sales Team to try and direct existing customers to start using Ground. Sure, some of them will still need to use Express, but most will love the discounts we offer them and the service improvements we've made over at Ground. Ever notice the huge amount of money I'm investing in new Ground facilities? Over at Express, I buy a few electric or hybrid vehicles now and then to satisfy the enviros, and also some new planes, which will also make us seem more green. It's only a few bucks, and boy, does it ever pay-off in PR hype.

    I'm also slashing your hours. We couldn't quite pull-off the Ground shiftover in October, so we're pushing it back awhile and keeping Express Saver so a few of you more intelligent employees don't tar and feather me when I dare leave my secured mansion. I'm still going to do it, but riots are bad PR and there's some nasty rumors that some of you may go postal and start doing bad things. Either way, I don't want the bad publicity. Maybe some of you saw the CYA video a few months back that we required you to watch? Legal said I had better get something out there pronto, so we did.

    You see, I'm going to make Express a part-time company. Sure, there will be a few positions I can't convert, but for most of are screwed. That pesky Black guy in the White House is going to make me pay for benefits for anyone who makes over 30 hours per week anyway, so I'm going to slash and burn my workforce into a lean, mean, Marine Corps machine where almost everyone is under that magic 30 number. And then your benefits will go away entirely. Man, it took a huge contribution, but when Obama said I was a top-notch CEO, it was worth every penny. I would have much preferred Mitt Romney, and I gave him a pile of money, but then he kept flapping his gums and, well, you know the rest. Anyway, Mitt guaranteed me that my Ground scam would be safe forever, something Obama just won't do. I'll keep working on him.

    Your Dental Plan is the first step, and then the Medical Plan will follow. As I slowly reduce your benefits I'll be able to purge Express of all of you over 40. That was the plan with BPP, but then we got sued and I had to go in another direction. A lot of you can't afford the current Medical options as is, and that's great!! That means the plan is working. More money for me!!

    Because I think most of you are stupid, I'm going to send my thug...err, right-hand-man, Matt Thornton out into the field to preach the gospel of Ground. "Ground is good". A lot of people say Matt reminds them of a televangelist, so I'm putting his talent to work. We tried sending him to Washington, DC a few months back so he could rap with all of the Black employees who work there, but it didn't go so well. They slashed the tires on Matt's limo, and then tied Dano his driver to the roof with a sign taped across his mouth that said "Ground Sucks!" I guess they're smarter than we figured. They also chased Matt out to Reagan National and he barely made it into Happy Hands1 before they got a round into him.

    Anyway, when he visits the rest of you, he'll have extra security and a MattMobile, a limo with a glass-enclosed dome from which he will wave and answer pre-scripted questions. (In case you are wondering, it's bulletproof, so you can't put a cap in his ass). There will be lots of hot dog parties and free pizza so Matt can spread the Gospel of Ground, and you'd better listen...or you're fired. Well, you're good as fired anyway because I'm going to make your job so miserable that you'll be begging me to quit.

    In the meanwhile, we will be re-doubling our phony efforts to be green and responsible corporate citizens. Ling-Ling and Poo-Poo the pandas are really going to get a workout this year, and we're going to rescue whatever endangered creatures we can, as long as they aren't Express couriers. I've got plans to move our puny fleet of green vehicles all over the system, so it actually looks like we're doing something for the environment...NOT!!

    LOL, I love having such stupid employees. You know, we really are a bunch of effing idiots here in Memphis, and when we pretend to know what we're doing, some people actually believe it, especially on Wall Street. We are laughing all the way to the your expense.

    A few Holiday thank-yous before I close.

    To Jimmy Hoffa Jr...thanks for being my stooge and doing nothing about unionizing FedEx Express. That $10M I put into your Swiss bank account every year is well worth it.

    To Senators Corker, McConnell, and all of the other Republicans I own... I love you, and I couldn't screw my employees blind without you.

    To Barack Obama...thanks for being such a wussy lap dog. I was actually worried about the FAA Act and Card Check until we had "lunch".

    To the Democrats I own...there aren't as many of you, but thanks for taking my money and doing my bidding.

    And to all of my dedicated Express employees...thanks for being dedicated to a company (and a Chairman) who could care less about you. You keep making me millions, and I keep re-investing that money into politicians who will enact the policies that make you my virtual wage slaves. I keep treating you like crap, and you come right back for more.

    Happy Holidays!! Get ready for a pounding in the New Year!!

    Fred Smith
    Last edited: Dec 14, 2012
  2. TUT

    TUT Well-Known Member

    Wait, I thought you weren't in management.
  3. thedownhillEXPRESS

    thedownhillEXPRESS Well-Known Member

    And thanks once again for absolutely no Christmas bonus, while we work even harder with fewer people and less benefits.
    Even Clark Griswald got the jelly of the month club..
    I'm sure you'll be counting your money with family on Christmas Eve while we are putting ourselves at risk of accident and injury late into the night doing your bidding.
    You even look like Scrooge!!!
  4. Mr. 7

    Mr. 7 The monkey on the left.

    That address sounds an awful lot like last year's. Did you just cut and paste it and add a few new topics?
  5. MrFedEx

    MrFedEx Engorged Member

    Nope, all original. I never cut and paste. It probably sounds similar because the screwing is just about the same every year.
  6. Mr. 7

    Mr. 7 The monkey on the left.

  7. thedownhillEXPRESS

    thedownhillEXPRESS Well-Known Member

    Even if he did ( I'm too lazy to check and read the link) who gives a F***....
    There are hundreds of new fedex express courriers monitoring this site compared to last year, they deserve some MFE from years past.

    Maybe the Mod's can come up with something like that, "This day in Brown Cafe History" segment.....I like it...............
  8. MrFedEx

    MrFedEx Engorged Member

    I don't lie, and I never cut and I said. I just write it, and if it sounds like last year's it's because we're dealing with the same sheet...again.
  9. b33nman

    b33nman New Member

    Last Christmas Eve I fell down some stairs near our line because a box that had oil in it spilled and no one cleaned it up. I rolled my ankle rather bad and had a bruised up forehead. For my efforts I was written up and warned not to do it again. I hope I didn't displease mein fuhrer.
  10. UnsurePost

    UnsurePost making the unreadable unreadabler

  11. Joe Nuno

    Joe Nuno Member

    This is funny, LMAO, I think we should vote for Fred Smith as Scrooge of the year for the tenth time.
  12. Cactus

    Cactus Just telling it like it is