MrFedEx
Engorged Member
Dear Team Members,
As you know, FedEx Express is in the midst of organizational restructuring in order to raise our operating margin to 10%. WE CAN DO THIS!! As dedicated employees who are committed to the Purple Promise, I know you will cooperate 100% with our new and improved PSP system, which has been altered slightly in order to conform with the new profit directive.
The PSP acronym will remain the same, but the meaning has changed. What was formerly "People-Service-Profit" is now "Plantation-Structured-Profit". Let me explain and summarize some of the exciting new changes that will help us both reach our profit expectations and add value to your experience as a FedEx employee.
1. Your station will now be called a "plantation". Your former station identifier will remain basically the same, but will be preceded by a "P". For example, what was formerly LAX will now be known as PLAX.
2. The Ops Manager title will be replaced with the title of "overseer".
3. The Senior Manager title will be replaced with the title of "plantation owner". As alternatives, you may call them "Colonel", or "Master".
4. The Progressive Discipline system has been replaced with the Whipping and Beating System (WABS). If you have ANY lates, a whipping will be applied in your overseer's office. If it happens again, a beating will occur, but this time in the parking lot in a public manner.
5. The PPP retirement plan has been ended. The new and improved retirement plan allows you to live out your days after you reach the minimum retirement age of 75, and you can choose between a wooden shack or a retired AMJ container placed on plantation property. Running water will be provided, but any food, sanitation, or medical costs will be the responsibility of the retiree.
We have been tolerant of your laziness for far too long. We have been good to you, and you are lucky to be employed at all, but especially lucky to be at FedEx. We know it's your nature to try and steal from Mr. Smith by moving slowly and attempting to make his DRA system work poorly. But we cannot afford to be nice any longer, so any "Friday Pace" or "Payday Pace" behavior will be dealt with firmly and quickly using the WABS system. This is for your own good, because we know you are ignorant and incapable of doing anything without direction from your superiors.
We have also heard of employees rebelling through something called WAD. This is bad, bad, bad, and will dealt with harshly!! Anyone who is found performing WAD, will get a double application of WABS. Understand? Be a good, compliant employee and understand what Uncle Mattie is trying to do for you, OK?
FedEx is also aware of The FedEx "underground railroad", where employees are escaping to other jobs that pay more and treat employees better. This is impossible, because FedEx is the best company EVER!! You can take that to the bank!! Don't listen to anyone who tells you that you can be "free" outside FedEx. It's a big LIE. Mr. Smith loves all of you like his children...and so do I.
Your upper management team here in Memphis knows what is best for you, and,more importantly, what is best for us. So, Bravo Zulu, Golden Falcons, and PSP for all of you!!! Embrace the new PSP with the same pride and enthusiasm you have for all of our other extremely great ideas and policies. My jet is waiting, Dano has the caviar ready, and I've got to get home to Chicago.
Remember, "Ground is Good!", and WE LOVE YOU!!
Sincerely,
MT3
As you know, FedEx Express is in the midst of organizational restructuring in order to raise our operating margin to 10%. WE CAN DO THIS!! As dedicated employees who are committed to the Purple Promise, I know you will cooperate 100% with our new and improved PSP system, which has been altered slightly in order to conform with the new profit directive.
The PSP acronym will remain the same, but the meaning has changed. What was formerly "People-Service-Profit" is now "Plantation-Structured-Profit". Let me explain and summarize some of the exciting new changes that will help us both reach our profit expectations and add value to your experience as a FedEx employee.
1. Your station will now be called a "plantation". Your former station identifier will remain basically the same, but will be preceded by a "P". For example, what was formerly LAX will now be known as PLAX.
2. The Ops Manager title will be replaced with the title of "overseer".
3. The Senior Manager title will be replaced with the title of "plantation owner". As alternatives, you may call them "Colonel", or "Master".
4. The Progressive Discipline system has been replaced with the Whipping and Beating System (WABS). If you have ANY lates, a whipping will be applied in your overseer's office. If it happens again, a beating will occur, but this time in the parking lot in a public manner.
5. The PPP retirement plan has been ended. The new and improved retirement plan allows you to live out your days after you reach the minimum retirement age of 75, and you can choose between a wooden shack or a retired AMJ container placed on plantation property. Running water will be provided, but any food, sanitation, or medical costs will be the responsibility of the retiree.
We have been tolerant of your laziness for far too long. We have been good to you, and you are lucky to be employed at all, but especially lucky to be at FedEx. We know it's your nature to try and steal from Mr. Smith by moving slowly and attempting to make his DRA system work poorly. But we cannot afford to be nice any longer, so any "Friday Pace" or "Payday Pace" behavior will be dealt with firmly and quickly using the WABS system. This is for your own good, because we know you are ignorant and incapable of doing anything without direction from your superiors.
We have also heard of employees rebelling through something called WAD. This is bad, bad, bad, and will dealt with harshly!! Anyone who is found performing WAD, will get a double application of WABS. Understand? Be a good, compliant employee and understand what Uncle Mattie is trying to do for you, OK?
FedEx is also aware of The FedEx "underground railroad", where employees are escaping to other jobs that pay more and treat employees better. This is impossible, because FedEx is the best company EVER!! You can take that to the bank!! Don't listen to anyone who tells you that you can be "free" outside FedEx. It's a big LIE. Mr. Smith loves all of you like his children...and so do I.
Your upper management team here in Memphis knows what is best for you, and,more importantly, what is best for us. So, Bravo Zulu, Golden Falcons, and PSP for all of you!!! Embrace the new PSP with the same pride and enthusiasm you have for all of our other extremely great ideas and policies. My jet is waiting, Dano has the caviar ready, and I've got to get home to Chicago.
Remember, "Ground is Good!", and WE LOVE YOU!!
Sincerely,
MT3
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