UPS Appearance Standards Guidelines For 2019 v. 2.0 (Part 1)

Captain Qwark

"I don't deserve these bulbous buttocks."
1) Uniforms are now required to sit for a minimum one (1) day in the dryer after washing to maximize wrinkles. Ironing uniforms is now grounds for discipline and any driver who appears to have ironed their uniform will receive a verbal warning followed by suspension depending on if pants and shirt sleeves have been creased.

2) New uniforms will not be issued until one (1) year AFTER all brown has been washed out and has taken on the green tinge look.

3) Shaving is now optional and is scheduled to be phased out by 2023. Preferred beard styles will now include, in addition to "full", the "goatee", "mutton chops" and the "imperial" with the "imperial" being the Gold Standard.

4) The new required waist line for all pants and shorts is now halfway down the butt cheeks to maximize cheek exposure and crack visual. Pants and/or shorts must also be three to five (3-5) times too big for maximum bagginess.

5) Pants are to be altered into shorts and hem is to be stapled or duct-taped in place. Altered pants must sit at least one (1) inch below the knee.

6) Any type of hat is now considered acceptable. This includes the following: Cowboy, slouchy, beanie, boater, beret, fedora, baseball, etc. Top hats are not allowed at this time and are still under beta testing (which has so far been favorable).

6a) Any color and any logo is acceptable as long as said cap is worn on the head backwards. Sideways is generally
frowned upon, but Center Managers have been instructed to "look the other way" (similar to "don't ask, don't


BrownCafe Innovator & King of Puns


You want a toe? I can get you a toe.
I know this is a joke but we’ve already seen the new uniforms. I would guess ordering to start in 2019 and I’ve heard a lot of rumors about shaving going away in 2019 also. We shall see.