Best zingers given or received?

[SnakePlissken]

Anything to or from management or fellow union brethren is fair game:

One day management wanted me to do something pretty near impossible so I replied "Hey man, I'm from Earth not Krypton." On another occasion I said "Do you see a big red "S" on my chest?" as well.

In my area of the country we're known to substitute "if you were me" for "in this situation" fairly commonly. One day while talking to my coworkers about something that management had tried to do to me I said, "If you were me, what would you do?" Without missing a beat a fellow driver said, "Shoot myself!"

I gave him a round of applause and heaped generous kudos on him because that was a spectacular burn of epic proportions!

 

[Brownslave688]

When sent pick ups 30 minutes away that closed in 5 minutes. I asked for the mechanics number so I could "activate the flux capisitor.

Also a dispatch sup thought she would be cute. She asked for help by saying. Help me obi won. Your my only hope. My reply. "There is another."

 

[STFXG]

I still laugh any time a manager asks someone how they're doing and they reply with "I'm FedExd!" (friend*d Every Day Except Xmas Day). And walk off.

 

[alwaysoverallowed]

Had a black driver tell the on road your grandfather never worked my grandfather this hard

 

[soberups]

To a manager who was whining at me about failing to follow EDD by the required 85%...
"Im a driver. I deliver the packages. If I wanted to screw around with meaningless numbers for a living I would be doing your job."

 

[Richard Harrow]

Our center manager pulls me and the other two guys in my loop aside. To be noted, the three of us get more signatures than any other loop in our center because of the amount of businesses and security concerns on our area. So our center manager's concern is "send again percentage" for closed holiday stops. center manager tells us we average out at 15%, that we need to be at 2%. The three of us look at each other, look at center manager, and literally laugh in center manager's face and walk away.

Routes are a mess, preload doesn't wrap, drivers punching out at 8:00, but this is their concern?

 

[hurricanegunner]

One day our center manager was droning on about cutting down on miles. One of our stewards chimed in: "You tell me how many miles you want me to run and I'll run that number of miles and sheet the rest of the route as missed."
They haven't said a thing about miles since.

 

[bumped]

There may be a God, but I'm not Him.

 

[Re-Raise]

I walked into the rail yard where a bunch of the guys who work there were sitting around waiting for their train. I know them all , and one of them asked what was in the package.

I said " It has your name on it , and says it is from tinycondoms.com."

Got a pretty good laugh from the peanut gallery, but without missing a beat he replied " I did that for you, because you said you didn't like how the big ones taste"

All I could say was well played sir.

 

[The Blackadder]

To a manager who was whining at me about failing to follow EDD by the required 85%...
"Im a driver. I deliver the packages. If I wanted to screw around with meaningless numbers for a living I would be doing your job."

That's an easy fix, old center manager I had wanted us following it 90% of the time. I said fine fix it. He instead sent on on-road sup out with me for the day, guy was new and he said we are going to follow EDD better then 90%. I said fine we will, 11 hours later and 2 drivers sent to bail me out we got back. I NEVER heard about following EDD again.

 

[Babagounj]

While customers are filling out the form on the Customer Counter's computer , they always hit a writers block on the part that requires them to list the contents of their parcel to be shipped .
I always chime over to them " thermal nuclear trigger device " .

 

[upschick95]

Now that the temperature is hotter out they are constantly pushing hydration. To the point where are center manager has told us how to check our urine color to see how well hydrated we are keeping ourselves throughout the day.
One of the drivers who has been driving for 25 plus years was in the office the other day having a virtual OJS review. The on car supervisor asked " why were you at this pick up for 5 minutes and did not pick up anything?"
Without skipping a beat the driver replied " well to be honest with you I believe I was checking the color of my urine". The on car supervisor then said he had "no other questions"

 

[Cementups]

I couldn't begin to list the amount of crap that comes out of my mouth when asked certain question. But it's always at the expense of someone else.

 

[soberups]

A couple of years ago when I was being issued that bogus warning letter for "failure to follow methods" after bringing 28 missed stops back to the building at 9:00, I politely suggested to the center manager that he "go ahead and mail that letter to someone who gives a about it." Not one of my finer moments, but at the time I was really pissed off and I lost my temper just a bit.

 

[soberups]

One time we had a PCM given by some gung-ho rookie with about 4 months of seniority who had just joined the Safety Committee and was on a mission to change the world. He gave us this big elaborate demonstration of the proper way to lift an (empty) box up off the floor, while reciting the 8 keys to lifting and lowering. He then went around to each member of our group, placed a candy bar on the floor in front of us, and told us we could have the candy bar if we demonstrated proper lifting methods for getting it up off of the floor while at the same time accurately reciting the 8 keys. When it was my turn....I simply stepped on the candy bar and squashed it flat into the floor with my boot as I turned and walked away.

 

[canuck.7]

When sent pick ups 30 minutes away that closed in 5 minutes. I asked for the mechanics number so I could "activate the flux capisitor.

Msg from ctr " I called customer, he will wait 30 mins "

 

[Signature Only]

During an terrible preload, all drivers loading after 9:00 a.m., the safety supervisor starts moaning about lack of egress. "Come on guys, I need to get through...I work here to."

Real Mike, who was loading next to me, turned to her and said: "That's debatable"

We all lost it.
​

 

[uber]

Why did you have so many backs today? I had to adjust to a lot of changing conditions.

 

[kingOFchester]

Rookie runner/gunner trips and falls flat on face on way to PCM. Another driver "And you want to be my latex deliveryman?"

 

[serenity now]

One day our center manager was droning on about cutting down on miles. One of our stewards chimed in: "You tell me how many miles you want me to run and I'll run that number of miles and sheet the rest of the route as missed."
They haven't said a thing about miles since.

When accused as a group of running up miles, one of our drivers will always reply: "We don't need to run up our miles; dispatch does that for us."