From The Chairman: Bon Voyage Matt Thornton and Welcome Ron Johnson

Discussion in 'FedEx Discussions' started by MrFedEx, Aug 19, 2013.

  1. MrFedEx

    MrFedEx Engorged Member

    Dear Team Members,

    First, thanks for everything you do for Purple Pride and to fulfill the Purple Promise. A satisfied customer made your tiny check possible and I made it smaller...because I can. Even though I'm so important that my crap doesn't stink and I can walk on water, I've decided to discuss an important matter with you lowly hourly workers, and that is the fact that our beloved MT3 has decided to "pursue other career opportunities". In other words, I've let him go. Don't worry, though, Matt will be well taken care of in his new position as Benny Hinn's new Associate Pastor. For parting gifts, Matt will receive a new Gulfstream G650 jet, a home in Aspen, a $25M golden parachute lump sum termination bonus, and free medical care at the Mayo Clinic for life. He will also assume complete ownership of his beloved lackey, Dano. May they prosper in their new career helping people dig deeper into their wallets to find Jesus.

    But, speaking of gaping holes, Matt's departure has created one in our leadership team. Now, having a colored person on the plantation came in handy because then Uncle Fred could say FedEx was diverse and that anyone could rise to the top in this organization. I know we're not really diverse at the top, but you don't, and neither will the public. I was hoping for an Oriental, Meskin, another colored, or a broad, but instead I found a true diamond...Ron Johnson. Even though he's white, he comes to the table with some incredible experience and outstanding ideas on how to transform FedExinto a profit powerhouse!! After turning around JCPenney, Ron was suddenly available, so we snapped him up for a measly $50M per year, and he's actually willing to live in Memphis. MT3 always preferred Chicago...but I digress. Ron is a find!!

    For starters, here a few of Ron's terrific ideas. I hope you find them as exciting as I do!!

    1. Kinko's will be re-branded as "FedEx Expresso" (get it?), and all locations will become office boutiques/coffeehouses where customers can fill all their shipping and caffeine needs. Watch out, Starbucks!! This should only cost around $5B or so.

    2. Document Sort Bags will now be produced in dark blue, and when they are worn-out, employees can cut them up into uniforms that will replace our current Stan Herman designerware. Estimated cost-savings...$100M!!

    3. Express Evacuation Sacks (ESS). The new ESS program is another Ron Johnson gem. These same used Document Sort Bags will be fitted to all Express vehicles, allowing you to "do your business" without stopping, another huge leap in productivity.

    4. DRP. The new DRP (Directed Reprogrammed Pickups) program will create the same efficiencies for pickups that DRA has accomplished for deliveries.

    5. Blimp Overnight Service (BOS). In order the take advantage of the short-haul capability of blimps and airships, FedEx Express is announcing BOS Service in limited areas. *not available when winds exceed 10 mph, during any sort of inclement weather, or when Acts Of God cause the blimp to crash. Delivery is guaranteed by 10 pm or none of your money back. I get to keep it. All of our blimp fleet will be decorated with images of our FedEx panda family.

    6. Self-insured Self-Insurance (SISI). To allow you more control over your healthcare spending dollars, we are creating SISI so you not only pay increased premiums, but you also pay for ALL your medical and dental care. I'll still collect the premiums, but won't be spending any of them on you. More $$ to that bottom line for ME.

    7. Minimum Acceptable OLCC Allotment. Effective immediately, each employee must receive at least one negative OLCC per week as per a negotiated agreement with FedEx managers. If you are making 100% service, that means you could be making 101% service. Think about it.

    These are just a few of the new, exciting enhancements to your career here at FedEx. Ron Johnson has even more great ideas, like using kites to deliver packages close to stations, and electric-shock collars that will "motivate" employees to do more in less time, which, of course, means (ka-ching!!), bank for me!!

    Bravo Zulu, be safe, and always provide the Purple Promise when the Package Insertion Specialist asks for a delivery. Praise God, Praise me, and may you always make me more money so I can fool Wall Street into thinking I have an actual clue.

    Bye,Bye, Uncle Mattie!!

    Frederick W. Smith
    Last edited: Aug 19, 2013

    MAKAVELI Well-Known Member

    BZ, BZ MFE! One of your best. Lmao!
  3. thedownhillEXPRESS

    thedownhillEXPRESS Well-Known Member

    Must be why we are having a station cookout next week!!
  4. newgirl

    newgirl Member

    Um, what?
  5. MrFedEx

    MrFedEx Engorged Member

    Parody, sarcasm, poking fun....
  6. newgirl

    newgirl Member

    Copy that. I am off today. Thought I missed some big news
  7. Cactus

    Cactus Just telling it like it is

    I laughed so hard I'm gonna have to call in sick tomorrow. :funny:
    Last edited: Aug 19, 2013
  8. El Morado Diablo

    El Morado Diablo Active Member

    Our manager suddenly decided we needed a cookout too. That couldn't just be a coincidence, could it?
  9. DontThrowPackages

    DontThrowPackages Well-Known Member

    I rarely read these things all the way through but that had to be one of the funniest letters I've ever read on this forum. And the sad part of it all is most of those ideals could easily be implemented. :entertaining:
  10. MrFedEx

    MrFedEx Engorged Member

    The BIG news is confirmed BBQ!! Wow, they are still on that train to nowhere, aren't they?
  11. Pure poetry, as usual. I was reading this on the crapper and laughing hysterically, so I got some strange looks when I came out.