MrFedEx
Engorged Member
Dear Team Members,
Bravo Zulu, and thanks for making me so rich and powerful. Once again, my handlers have left me alone on a Saturday, so I'm going to be completely honest with you about the "10 Step Plan"...with the help from Jim Beam.
First, we intentionally named it a 10 step plan so many of you would confuse it with a 10 year plan, which will NEVER happen. This has been completely successful, and a perfect example of how you morons go for the carrot on a stick EVERY time. God, are you dumb.
Second, we've already wasted over a year implementing it, saving me many additional millions. We've directed management to tell you that it's a complicated process due to our many market levels and pay scales, which is pure crap. This is just another delaying tactic.
Third, this "plan" is really academic anyway, because my real plan is to not have any employees working for FedEx for 10 years or 10 "steps". I want you here for 3 to 4 years and then to go away. If you get hurt or sick, I want you gone immediately. Realistically, very few of you will ever be here to see the 10th step.
Anyway, here is the official 10 step plan, and points structure:
1. You get one step for being here 10 years (+1)
2. A step is rewarded if you are between 70 and 100 years old (+1)
3. Not being sick for 10 years will earn you a step (+1)
4. No accidents/incidents/injuries for 10 years earns a step (+1)
5. No OLCCs or letters for 10 years equals a step (+1)
6. 10 Bravo Zulus equals a step (+1)
7. 100% service for 10 years equals a step (+1)
8. No customer complaints for 10 years equals a step (+1)
9. No overtime for 10 years earns a step (+1)
10. Being part of IamFedEx.com for 10 years earns a step (+1)
11. Exceeding SPH goals by at least 50% for 10 years equals a step.
See how easy it is to get 10 steps? Of course, any deviation from any of the steps equals the deletion of a step, and extends the amount of time to reach the next opportunity to earn a step. All of this is conditioned upon a Leap Year calendar, and you can only earn points during a Leap Year. However, points may be deducted during any year(s). Once you've earned your maximum 10 points, there is a 12-month probationary period during which any violation will remove ALL your points, forcing you to start over.
Points may also be removed at any time for any reason at management's discretion, or my dictate. The program may be cancelled and/or modified at any time, and is subject to all of the usual FedEx policies and procedures.
We don't expect a single person to ever reach these goals, so we haven't bothered to establish a pay increase commensurate with attaining the 10 points and/or steps. Besides, I'll just fire you so I don't have to pay you anyway. You can fight it out with FedEx Legal.
Good luck, SUCKERS!!
God, I am so good and so smart. I deserve to be effing rich. I piss on all of you!!
Sincerely,
Frederick W. Smith
Bravo Zulu, and thanks for making me so rich and powerful. Once again, my handlers have left me alone on a Saturday, so I'm going to be completely honest with you about the "10 Step Plan"...with the help from Jim Beam.
First, we intentionally named it a 10 step plan so many of you would confuse it with a 10 year plan, which will NEVER happen. This has been completely successful, and a perfect example of how you morons go for the carrot on a stick EVERY time. God, are you dumb.
Second, we've already wasted over a year implementing it, saving me many additional millions. We've directed management to tell you that it's a complicated process due to our many market levels and pay scales, which is pure crap. This is just another delaying tactic.
Third, this "plan" is really academic anyway, because my real plan is to not have any employees working for FedEx for 10 years or 10 "steps". I want you here for 3 to 4 years and then to go away. If you get hurt or sick, I want you gone immediately. Realistically, very few of you will ever be here to see the 10th step.
Anyway, here is the official 10 step plan, and points structure:
1. You get one step for being here 10 years (+1)
2. A step is rewarded if you are between 70 and 100 years old (+1)
3. Not being sick for 10 years will earn you a step (+1)
4. No accidents/incidents/injuries for 10 years earns a step (+1)
5. No OLCCs or letters for 10 years equals a step (+1)
6. 10 Bravo Zulus equals a step (+1)
7. 100% service for 10 years equals a step (+1)
8. No customer complaints for 10 years equals a step (+1)
9. No overtime for 10 years earns a step (+1)
10. Being part of IamFedEx.com for 10 years earns a step (+1)
11. Exceeding SPH goals by at least 50% for 10 years equals a step.
See how easy it is to get 10 steps? Of course, any deviation from any of the steps equals the deletion of a step, and extends the amount of time to reach the next opportunity to earn a step. All of this is conditioned upon a Leap Year calendar, and you can only earn points during a Leap Year. However, points may be deducted during any year(s). Once you've earned your maximum 10 points, there is a 12-month probationary period during which any violation will remove ALL your points, forcing you to start over.
Points may also be removed at any time for any reason at management's discretion, or my dictate. The program may be cancelled and/or modified at any time, and is subject to all of the usual FedEx policies and procedures.
We don't expect a single person to ever reach these goals, so we haven't bothered to establish a pay increase commensurate with attaining the 10 points and/or steps. Besides, I'll just fire you so I don't have to pay you anyway. You can fight it out with FedEx Legal.
Good luck, SUCKERS!!
God, I am so good and so smart. I deserve to be effing rich. I piss on all of you!!
Sincerely,
Frederick W. Smith