Spouses & Friends, Truths & Lies

Discussion in 'Life After Brown' started by dilligaf, Apr 5, 2009.

  1. dilligaf

    dilligaf IN VINO VERITAS

    I need some different perspectives.

    My friends are important to me but I don't keep secrets from my spouse. Ever. Maybe I'm not seeing the 'big picture' here, but trust is important to me. And to me the #1 trust is always at home. So I need some other perspectives.
  2. over9five

    over9five Moderator Staff Member

    Then as soon as your friend said, "Don't tell your spouse", you definitely should have told her that you were going to. Hopefully, that way they just won't tell you things like that anymore!

    I would keep a confidence if someone asked me, even from wifey.

    DISCLAIMER!!!! I suppose someone could come up with some weird, out there scenario that might make me change my mind....
  3. dilligaf

    dilligaf IN VINO VERITAS

    And what would you do if your wife found out that you didn't tell her? How would you feel if it was your wife that kept the 'secret' from you?
  4. over9five

    over9five Moderator Staff Member

    I'm not sure. There's probably hundreds of things one of us knows that the other doesn't. I'm sure my wife keeps lots of peoples secrets!

    Maybe there's situations where you can't or shouldn't keep something secret from your spouse.

    But your scenario said to keep a secret about something happening in the friends life. I took that to mean it had nothing to do with your spouse. If your friend doesn't want your hubby to know about it (and it has nothing to do with your hubby), I think it's fine not to tell your hubby.

    Believe me, as a hubby, I really don't even want to know what is going on in my wifes friends lives!!!

    But I think this secret is very specific to you, so I'm not sure we can relate to it not knowing what/who it involves.
  5. dilligaf

    dilligaf IN VINO VERITAS

    This is just a general scenario. The 'secret' that was told was not specific to anyone but the friend that told the secret. It was not illegal in any way.

    This is why I am looking for outside points of view. I am to close to the situation and am trying not to jump to conclusions.
  6. Big Babooba

    Big Babooba Well-Known Member

    Scenario 1

    Your friend (very close to both you and your spouse) comes to you and tells you something personal and important going on in his/her life. Only the friend asks you to not repeat the 'secret' to your spouse. Do you keep your friends confidence or do you trust your spouse and repeat the 'secret'?

    I have mixed feelings about this. The friend has put the spouse between a rock and a hard place. I would tell my wife unless it was something that would be totally embarrassing to the friend. If the subject was illegal or deceitful, I would tell. There is no doctor-patient confidentiality here, but friends will sometimes tell all with that expectation. It can a form of therapy for someone. Telling could lose you a friend. Not telling could put you in the dog house or worse.

    Scenario 2
    The other side of the coin: You find out that your spouse kept the 'secret' from you. How do you react?

    The secrets my wife kept from me didn't bother me except for the last one she kept from me. That was a hell of a secret and I'm glad she's gone.:happy2:
  7. dilligaf

    dilligaf IN VINO VERITAS

    If your spouse is 'trustworthy' then there is no issue of losing a friend. To me, it is a slap in the face to not be trusted. If you can't talk to your spouse about everything then what kind of relationship do you really have?
  8. Jones

    Jones fILE A GRIEVE! Staff Member

    I'm in the "tell your spouse everything" camp. No secrets in this house. A friend should know better than to ask you to keep secrets from your wife/husband.
  9. Big Babooba

    Big Babooba Well-Known Member

    I had no worries about her blabbing when she's sober. She doesn't handle liquor well and when she's had a few too many, she doesn't hold back. Also sometimes people unintentionally act or treat others differently when they know something they weren't supposed to know. She's an expert with the cold shoulder and "the look". I am immune to it - others weren't.
  10. dilligaf

    dilligaf IN VINO VERITAS

    I'm just trying to get a different perspective than from where I am sitting. I don't like what was done, not one little bit. But I am having a problem deciding where to go with it.
  11. trplnkl

    trplnkl 555

    Here's something to think about. Tell DH that someone has confided in you with a personal secret and doesn't want you to tell ANYONE. Then ask DH, if he would feel you were dishonest with him for not sharing the secret. His response should tell you what to do.
    Is there a chance that DH knowing the secret will change the way he feels about your friend? That's a consideration also.

    I'm guessing you have already told the friend not to ever ask you to do this again?
  12. dilligaf

    dilligaf IN VINO VERITAS

    You have it backwards Trpl. I wasn't the one that was asked to keep the secret.
  13. stevetheupsguy

    stevetheupsguy sʇǝʌǝʇɥǝndsƃnʎ

    Ouch, now I know why you feel that way. It's sort of a tease if someone tells you that someone told them something, that they are not allowed to tell you. I, personally, would let a friend tell me anything even if I couldn't tell my wife. I say friend, as in, someone I have known quite some time and have become quite close to.

    I feel your pain, in that, you are willing to tell hubby everything/anything, and you don't feel that this is mutual. I would accept Hubby's promise not to tell and move on. I wouldn't change my way of being all open, in any way, whatsoever, dilli. Just be the same you, you've always been, and that Hubby loves. This is no biggie.
  14. soberups

    soberups Pees in the brown Koolaid

    If the friend asked me to keep a secret from my wife, I would first ask him if that secret had anything to do with my wife or was in any way her business to know. If he said yes I would respond by telling him that I couldnt promise to keep anything from her that she had a right to know about. Otherwise, I wouldnt have a problem keeping a secret that wasnt her business in the first place.

    It is wrong to keep a secret from your spouse at their expense.

    My wife is the Human Resources and finance manager of a company. She deals with personnel and financial issues involving her employees such as garnishments, people taking a leave of absence to go into rehab, etc etc. She doesnt share that stuff with me because its none of my business in the first place and she has a legal and moral obligation to keep those things confidential.
  15. rod

    rod retired and happy

    I don't have any connection to these problems at all. My wife says I never listen to her and I swear she never tells me half the stuff she says she did. Thirty-seven years of marriage does that to a person.:peaceful:
  16. dilligaf

    dilligaf IN VINO VERITAS

    You crack me up. :happy-very:
  17. JimJimmyJames

    JimJimmyJames Big Time Feeder Driver

    Pillow talk between a husband and wife should be regarded by everyone as a given. If anyone tells me something they should expect that my wife will now probably know about it also.
  18. moreluck

    moreluck golden ticket member

    I agree with J.J.J.
  19. dilligaf

    dilligaf IN VINO VERITAS

    This is my feeling on it. I really appreciate everyones thought, it helps. Thank you!
  20. wrecker

    wrecker Member

    Hey... That sounds like my marriage!